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It's time for the filter adjustment. I'd suggest the nice conversation where you explain that you feel she is being critical which makes you feel that you've done a poor job raising your children. Start out nice, but stand your ground. You've raised good young people, people you love and no one has the right to snipe at that. Particularly someone who is only mid-way through the process themselves. Believe me, every parent thinks they walk on water in the parenting department until the kid becomes a teenager. Then they realized that their smug little perception disappears when the kid climbs out the window in the middle of the night...
I realize you're already considering this, but with her young child still in the picture, the parenting style issue is a deal breaker. Work it out with respect, or walk away and save all three of you a great deal of misery.
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Great advice. We basically had that filter adjustment conversation in May/June where I said I'm not changing, don't feel I need to, accept me as I am or let's be thankful for the time we've had and move on. She came back with the I've changed speech which at the time sounded very sincere and well thought out. The fact she has an 11 yo and we're having these difficult conversations about my young adults is a big red flag. Not that I've tried to be a father figure. He has a Dad who's involved and I don't want to ever try and sub for him in an innappropriate way.
We're seeing the therapist tonight but I think for me it will be a time to say what's on my mind and make the exit as graceful as possible. What's the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" I don't want to be in a position to be fooled again.