[sammyg2]

Couldn't pull a nail out of my arse with a D9 tractor (uptight).

Like sticking a wet noodle up a wildcat's arse.

Clear as mother's milk.

roughing up the suspect (self-gratification).

she puts on her belt with a boomarang.

Dryer than a popcorn fart.

It's raining like a cow pissin on a flat rock

sharp as a beach ball

She didn't get hit with an ugly stick, they used the whole tree.

And the all-time classic:
Iffn my dog had a face like that I'd shave his arse and teach him to walk backward.