[DARISC]

Probed, WITHOUT LUBRICATION!!!

For fear of ridicule, I have never before revealed this to anyone. But how, under the cloak of anonymity, I'm compelled to tell my story. Maybe, just maybe, it will bring me just a small bit of piece-of-mind and I'll be able to get my first nightmare free night of sleep in many years.

It happened late at night while driving with my dog on a deserted country road under a full moon. I remember there was one, just one, lenticular cloud, slowly moving acroos the sky, towards the brightly shining orb (the moon).

As I tootled along, I watched the somehow eerie looking cloud with a puzzled fascination and began to feel a bit strange, a forboding feeling, tinged with ominousness and began to experience a growing sense of trepidation. I heard a whimper and looked at my dog who had laid down on the passenger seat and had his paws crossed over his ears. I sensed that my dog was experiencing abject fear and wondered if maybe I should be feeling the same.

Then, as the cloud slowly slid in front of the moon, it became very dark. At the exact instant that the last sliver of moon disapeared into the inky blackness, I detected an acrid smell, an unearthly acrid smell.

I've smelled many acrid smells over the years, but none were unearthly as this one was. I felt a cold chill run down my spine and shuddered. Then the cold chill ran back up my spine and I shuddered again, muttering softly to myself, WTF?!

Then it happened; the unearthly acrid smell suddenly became overwhelming and was joined by an unearthly metallic sound, a soft, unearthly grinding sound.

I've heard many metallic sounds over the years, but none were unearthly as this one was.

I felt my hands grasp the steering wheel in a white knuckle grip, my knuckles becoming as white as the moon (before it disappeared behind the eerie lenticular cloud, of course).

Then the horror truly began. My dog began wailing mournfully as the unearthly sound grew louder and louder and the acrid smell also (phew, it was bad!).

Then, as if being held back by some unearthly hand, my car began slowing down! The unearthly sound turned into a deafening grinding sound and a I felt myself being enveloped in an unearthly blue haze that blotted out the darkness. At this point I knew without a doubt that I should definitely be feeling abject fear (dogs are so prescient!).

I've been enveloped by many blue hazes over the years, but none were unearthly as this one was.

As the car continued to slow, the unearthly sound rose to a crescendo and so did the unearthly blue haze (I had NEVER before seen a blue haze rise to a crescendo!)

Then suddenly all was silent as I sat there in the middle of that lonely country road at a complete stop in the inky blackness. Slowly the moon began to reappear from behind the eerie lenticular cloud and the unearthly blue haze began to slowly clear as I sat there petrified, unable to loosen my panic stricken grip on the steering wheel and all was eerily silent, even my dog, who had taken his paws off his ears and was sitting there, calmly licking his balls.

As I sat there in the eerie silence (except for the sound of my dog licking his balls), I began to calm down and after what seemed to be an hour, slowly opened the door and cautiously stepped out of the car to find myself standing in an eerie dark brown puddle, a highly viscous puddle, a puddle that smelled hellishly evil, like horribly burned dinosaur bones, I remember thinking to myself.

At this point my return to rationality came to an end and I said angrily, "I'll never buy a cheap FKNG Ford econo car again!" to my dog Shaggy, who later jumped out of the tow truck and chased us all the way home.