[Rusty Heap]

Weasel Peeing, There IS squatting etiquette, however, and it should go something like this:

When squatting, the desired position to be in is with buttcheeks parallel to the seat --- but not touching. This is a great way to get those quadriceps in shape and at the same time preserve the sanctity of your bum.

It's pretty much impossible to aim if you're a woman. Make sure you are making a hole-in-one by checking your stream when you first begin. You can always readjust if necessary and avoid making a mess -- a technique other toilet patrons and the janitor will appreciate.

Always make sure to check the seat when you have finished and wipe up any stray spots. That's just courtesy -- you can use a giant wad of TP if you so desire, and you will hopefully wash your hands when you have finished.. and getting a little of your own urine on your fingertips won't kill you for a minute or two. At least it's your own urine.

Flush. Again, courtesy. Those especially germophobic can use their foot to karate kick the handle. Or TP to flush with their hand, then quickly throw it into the swirling bowl as it flushes.

Strong thigh muscles. Germ free tushy. Is it worth it? Consider this -- the handle on the sink you are turning on and off after you pee is more chock-full of germs than the toilet seat is. But, whatever makes you feel better.

Now, pooping this way is an art. I haven't been able to do it yet -- I'd much rather just relax while Sir Sphincter does his job. I think it's pretty much physically impossible, at least for me. I have spent my adult life trying to do it and for the most part all I can do is fart weakly while the urge gets stronger and stronger.

Double-paper if you feel better. Or use the handicap stall. Or for the extremely adventurous who know the "joys" of ****ting in a foreign country, imitate the French and stand on the toilet seat, squat, and **** that way. It's supposed to be great for the intestinal tract and it does produce logs that are faster than a speeding bullet.

Just be careful not to spray pee everywhere when you are done. If you make the mistake of missing, you either have one hell of a cleanup job, or a lot of explaining to do. Better make sure to give the janitor a fruitcake for Christmas.