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The tonsil hockey is BS - he should be smacked around for that and told to get out of high school.
No direct advice, just anecdotal evidence. I don't "spend" the holidays with my son and my ex, though I do go over for a brief visit. We also do his b-day together depending on the situation - this year we took him and a bunch of friends bowling. I specifically do not bring my g/f of 3+ years to these as I don't want to create any friction. My g/f does however stay over on some nights that I have my son so he's used to having her as part of our family - it is just separate from his mom and that aspect of "family."
No easy answers on how to navigate these things. I didn't have my g/f spend the night until we'd been together for almost 2 years though as I wanted to make sure that things were cool with my son in that regard. But the tonsil hockey in public is just stupid...
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