[GH85Carrera]

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen.
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
Screw that" says Mick" have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Spent $40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse! Do you think I should change dentists?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.