[MRM]

You are right to be careful. If you don't handle this very delicately, it will cause problems with the family that will last three generations. My family also had a farm that we grew up on that needed to be divided between four kids after my father died and my mother didn't want it any more. Several years later, I still don't have contact with much of my family and barely talk to my mother. If things go as I plan, my grandchildren will never set foot on the farm I grew up on. Money was the least of our issues. With careful planning, you can avoid the same problems.

There are two things to consider. The most obvious issue is the monetary value of your estate. That's the easiest to take care of. You just leave each kid an equal share of the estate. There are many devices for leaving equal shares, from making them sell everything to leaving it in a trust with three equal shares, to anything else you can come up with. The real issue is the emotional attachment the kids have to the farm.

Trust me when I tell you that the money will not be the issue. The issue is two-fold: 1) The emotional attachment to the farm that can't be compensated by money; and 2) The respect each kids wants to feel that he has been dealt with fairly.

There is only one farm and three kids. Two kids love the farm and have sunk their blood and sweat into it. Both would love to someday own the farm, raise their kids on it, and pass it down to their children. The third doesn't care about the farm but knows that because the other two care about it so much that it is the most valuable piece on the board. He'll use their emotional attachment to the farm to negotiate a higher cash value in return for walking away from the farm. So you have to worry about two kids who would love to own Dad's farm and one who will manipulate the other two to his advantage over the farm.

My advice is to treat each kid equally. Regardless of your feelings for them and their success in life, their inheritance should not be dependent on who you think is more deserving or needs the help, or will benefit from it the most. And whatever you do, don't give it to one kid because he'll take care of it better than the other two. While that might be true and the others might agree, there is no way you can suggest that one will be the better caretaker without insulting the other two. If you want to send the farm to one kid or the other, do so in a way that allows the others something of equal value without suggesting they are somehow less worthy. It's just very hurtful for a kid to hear that his parent finds him unworthy or the other sibling is his parents' favorite.

In treating the kids equally, you have to account for the fact that even if the three kids get equal value, but only one gets the farm, the one with the farm has received more than the others, because they care about the farm more than money. So you have to somehow handicap the farm by giving the others something of similar emotional attachment, like the cars.

I do think that it is fair to recognize the work put into improving the farm while you own it.

I think you should start a conversation with all three boys about who wants the farm, who is likely to be able to afford to take it on, and how the rest should be compensated for not getting it. You might be surprised that they are able to work something out between them.

And finally, remember that circumstances change. The younger one might strike it rich in ten years and be able to retire to the farm comfortably. The middle one might take a job across the country and be happy that the younger one gets it. The older one might get religion and decide to move back to the farm and reconnect with his roots. Whatever you come up with, make it flexible enough to work in the future.