[Gogar]

At my house a Columbian man rides out of the mist on a donkey every morning and hands me a burlap pouch of fresh green coffee beans. I immediately remove them from the pouch and hand-roast the beans over an outdoor fire pit freshly stocked with Austrailian Cypress. Right at second-crack, a sextet of Hawaiian women first cools the roasted beans by fanning them with banana leaves, and just when the beans are perfectly rested, the women strap Samurai swords to their feet perform a ceremonial Samoan war dance on top of the roasted beans, which have in the meantime been rested on a slab of antique Italian marble. The women dance and jump with such a feverish pitch, it works the beans into oh the finest of fine espresso grinds. Upon completion of the ritual Samurai sword foot-grind, the women (who have since become topless due to the athletic tempo of their war dance,) pull Hommage straight razors from their bikinis and carefully collect the ground beans from the marble slab and deposit them into a solid gold espresso group said to have been designed by Leonardo da Vinci. After tamping the grounds carefully and precisely with a roll of gold coins collected from a the Atocha Shipwreck, boiling Perrier is pressure fed through the solid gold espresso group through a hydraulic hose collected from the completed NASA mission STS-135. The resulting espresso, rich with a golden-brown, almost auburn crema, goes in my mouth.