[Andyrew]

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he
answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the
highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life,
and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home,
go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there
and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way,
what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread
truck."

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Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger
wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed
man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this -
I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
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One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where
did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime...

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"
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A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new
CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning
on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let
them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy
and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I
make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a
week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Surprisingly, the guy takes the cash with a smile, says
"Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" and leaves.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks
around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me
what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to
take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim,
Rescue Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for
storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice.
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked,
"Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to
listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and
exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"