Update: took this thing to TWO Apple stores.
First one insisted my wife pay $99 for the privilege of getting a replacement (I was not along for the visit).
At the second store I talked to one of the Dumbasses -- he insisted it was not under warranty (despite being purchased in 2010, according to their records), not covered under any recall, and that the $99 he was offering me was some sort of favor because the batteries list for $129.
I asked for his manager. I started up sweet & nice but within a few minutes I pretty much opened up on him with both barrels (my wife calls it "going into Jersey mode"). After much pressure from me he admitted that in all his years he had seen a total of TWO batteries behaving like this one. (Yeah, right
)
He then started trying to wheel & deal with me on the price. I was dumbfounded--as if I had been magically transported to a Jordanian bazaar. He offered $49 in the end and frankly at that point I would've paid that just to get him away from me. He went to their stockroom to get the battery and in the meantime another Dumbass came over from the back of the store and said, "Oh snap, check out your battery,
man. I had a MacBook 15 that went through like 5 batteries the same way. Totally."
I asked him why he didn't point that out when his boss was around.
I paid my $49, took my battery, and left.
F*(kers.