[tweezers74]

Originally Posted by motion

Patrick's thread really put me in a somber mood and compelled me to think about what it would be like to be surrounded by loved ones when you go. Will they be crying, lamenting your passing, or happy and joyful, celebrating your life? What compels your loved ones to have the reaction they have? Is it what you've done with your life? I've spent my life dreading dying, and it is in my thoughts every day, for better or worse. I try to extract every last ounce of life while I have it, but of course, I am always going to fall short. I guess all I've really learned is to focus on what matters, and discard the rest. The endless pursuit is trying to figure out what really matters.

Just rambling... I hate death and am completely terrified at the thought of leaving this world, and the company of the people I love.

He's right, you set the tone. Being a hospice nurse and seeing quite a few deaths, I can confidently say you are in control of your death. Not when you die, but rather how you die. Even if it is something unexpected. For example, if I died tomorrow, I know my family and friends would be ok because of how I spoke of death. they would be sad, but they would be at peace. That being said, a lot of it still is in your control. You would think that a young father dying of cancer would be horrible or sad... Well, it was sad. All deaths are sad. But it wasn't horrible. In fact it was lovely. I know it is ironic to say but it was. Don't be fearful of it. It's part of the cycle. Everybody dies. So as soon as you embrace the idea that dying is what you are supposed to do, it brings some sort of peace and acceptance. And when you witness a good peaceful death, you realize it isn't so scary.

He chose what he was going to wear when he died. He picked his soccer uniform. He chose to have his two kids lay in his hospital bed as he took his last breaths. The wall behind him plastered with colorful crayon drawn pictures of him depicted as a cartoon character, kicking around a soccer ball. He chose to have his hospital bed in the living room as opposed to the bedroom because he knew that's where all the daily happenings occur. And even though at the near end, he laid with his eyes closed most of the day, he could still hear his kids watching TV, playing, his wife cooking dinner. When he took his last breath, I swear he was smiling. He had his arm around his son and his other around his daughter, with his head resting on the top of hers, eyes closed. His wife was standing at the foot of the bed, with one hand on his leg. And although she had tears streaming down her face, she also had a big toothy smile. You could see she was such in awe with the scene of her husband and her children. All of us were crying but I swear I have never felt so much love and peace as I did then.

It is customary to have follow up visits with family after their loved ones passed away. To make sure the family didn't need further assistance with anything. Finances, funeral arrangements, counseling, etc. When I went back to visit that family, the children were laying on the floor where the bed had stood, pictures were still up on the wall, they were coloring new ones. And as I sat there talking to their mother, she actually was smiling, talking about his passing. Yes, you could see she was grieving but you could see, she was looking at that spot, with that same look of peace and love in her face as that day. She told me she was so appreciative that they could all have that moment together and it would be something she would always cherish. She said the kids seemed to do very well with it and in fact, spoke about it a lot and instead of being scary, it helped them say goodbye to Daddy.

Yes, you set the tone. Your family can be hysterical and emotionally distraught. You can't help all of that. But if you show them that you are at peace with it, it helps them be at peace with it. Death is like a lot of things in life. It isn't necessarily the situation but how you handle it depends on if it ends up being a good or bad experience. You don't have control of when you die but you can control everything else about it.

And don't spend your the days of your LIFE, worrying about your death. That's just a waste. And another thing, I can tell you what really matters. You ask how I know? Well, when you take care of enough people when they are dying, they let you on to that secret. I can't remember one patient saying they wished they had taken that high paying job or wished they had a million dollars. Most said they wished they would have spent more time with their kids, their friend, their spouse. It sounds so boring and cliché but its the truth. And all of them said they wished they weren't so scared to live. Ironic, isn't it? That they would have taken more chances, more risks. Done what their inner voice was telling them rather than what other people thought.

And one more thought before I shut up, you say you are terrified to leave this world and the people you love. Don't you see if you are terrified, the loved ones you are leaving will be terrified as well? I have several books that might help you through that fear.

My patients have taught me a lot about death AND life. I am not scared of death. I think of it more as a phase in my life cycle. A phase that everybody goes through, not just me. And after seeing countless loving and peaceful deaths as I described above, no, death does not scare me.

PM if you want to know more about those books.