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This is a very tough situation and yes, I have seen it tear families apart. That is why I tell all my patients to do their children a huge favor: save up for their care/retirement and secondly, explain in grueling detail what is to be done in certain situations and have their funeral arrangements done. It saves their kids a lot of fights, tears, and stress.
Is your sister-in-law the POA and healthcare POA as well? Another fact, you can assign somebody different to be your healthcare POA. One who knows your wishes as far as life saving measures and what to do if you do lose your ability to make decisions regarding your health. The nice thing about this is that you can separate the areas of finances and your well being...
I can understand why you would want to keep your MIL at home but this can become a slippery slope quickly. Sounds like your MIL has not deteriorated at a rapid pace but that could change. Is she on Alzheimer's medication? Most of these medications have only shown marginal effects in slowing down the progression but in your case, every little bit helps to try and keep her at home. Secondly, as others have mentioned, you may have to choose to put her in an Alzheimer's facility. It can be exhausting to take care of a loved one with the disease and frankly, you don't have the same resources as a facility. I worked in an Alzheimer's unit the first year I was out of nursing school. We had doors that had automatic locking mechanisms when visitors left and an alarm if someone opened the door without swiping in. That alarm went off hourly. It is a major safety issue. You will have to have your eyes on her 24/7. In Arizona it is always scary, especially in the summer if they wander off. A couple hours in the sun without water... I remember one story of an Alzheimer's patient that wandered off was found but had third degree burns in their feet from walking on the asphalt barefoot.
All I can say is you need to have a family meeting. Throw it out there that this would be a temporary situation and that you two wanted to take care of her for as long as you can, in hopes that once they see it works out well for you and your MIL, they will keep it the same. Emphasize it might be less scary for your MIL to live with you rather than a facility. Have them visit a facility with you. Most are fine. Some are not. Maybe it will convince them they would rather have her at home as well.
Like Vash, this will be an issue for my family as well. My mother, who divorced my father, is a seamstress and didn't make a ton of money. She has very little retirement and even less saved for any health issues as she ages. Of my three sisters, one has filed bankruptcy and used all their retirement money to live on the last two years, another just moved back in with my mother at the age of 35 with her daughter and just got her car repossessed, and my older sister having to ask for $20,000 from my father towards a down payment on a house for her and her family of five kids and husband. And here I am. The only one with a good nest egg built up, never asked for a dime from my parents (full ride scholarship, got a job right out of college after passing the nursing boards) and the only one financially stable. It sucks to be responsible one sometimes. But I see it coming. That's why my mom has asked me to be both healthcare POA and POA. I told her I would only be so if she continuously verbalized her wishes to my sisters and get it all written in her living will and will. But I can still see it being a battle.
Hugs to you. Not a fun situation to be in at all. Keep us in the loop to what happens. The more situations and stories we hear, the more we learn on how to deal with these situations.
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