Denver is a really cool place for this kind of favor! I've already gotten multiple offers, thank you all.
The story is nothing very entertaining; bought a bike a week ago in Denver and have a life long friend there who went and grabbed it for me. Spur-of-the-moment, CL score.
My buddy dragged it home for me but he has so many bikes, (and lawn mowers/cars/etc.), that my bike basically pushed his wife's car outside. She's not thrilled, I can't retrieve it for at least several days and don't want it outside. That's about it!