[Porsche-O-Phile]

A bit more for consideration:

I'm 44 so I like to think I've got a few more good years ahead of me. Part of what's bugging me is I see what's happened to my parents. They slogged out their whole lives here - difficult lives dealing with constant BS, crummy winters, all of it. My dad in particular spent the last 10-15 years killing myself (I'm sorry to say that's more literal than figurative) fixing up their house and making it what he wanted. It was a constant struggle because every single winter it would destroy part of the work and set him back. Then he'd spend 4-5 months rebuilding and making some progress forward, then winter would set in and destroy part of it again... It was a little bit comical and a little bit sad to watch both from afar (when I lived elsewhere) and nearby. It's the only thing that seemed to give him purpose though. He was in his 60s (now in his 70s) and too old to really consider a career change, etc. He was trapped. Like I said he recently had a stroke which has left him partially paralyzed and a heart attack which might've taken his life if he'd not been lucky. I see myself hurtling down the same sort of road - constantly playing Mr. Fix-it Man because everything gets so beat to hell here all the time - cars, houses, property, you-name-it.

It's also difficult to stay healthy here. I'm an outdoorsy kind of person. I love being able to get outdoors when I'm not at work and enjoy life (case in point I just came from a morning surf session and am now on the train to work - strictly because it's finally warm enough to do such things - the summer / summer-ish months here are perfectly fine. I can run, bike, hike, surf, swim, whatever. I can work on the cars and on the yard, which I actually kind of enjoy. I can build a campfire in the backyard and cook smores (did that the other night). But the other half of the year you're literally getting up in the dark, trudging through waist-deep snow to get to work, going home in the dark and going to bed - all the while trying to not freeze to death. It's a difficult and not-so-fun way to live. I've always been in good health and in the last 4-5 years I've let myself slip (trying to do something about that now that I can get out and do stuff). I don't want to end up another "Pillsbury dough boy" looking middle-aged, out-of-shape grump like so many people here turn into. That's not me. I'm not sure I want to put all that extra work into eking out an existence just to potentially end up the same way my dad has - beaten down, broken, burned-out, used up and in the same place he was when he started it all. It's a lot of "running to stand still" that happens by default here and it kinda scares me.

I know there's good and bad to everywhere and I don't want to say "the grass is greener". Truthfully there's a lot of good things here - for half the year. I've got a decent life, there's stuff to enjoy, I've got space (not stuck in an urban hell like I was in LA / Long Beach), schools are good, etc. It's not a bad deal - but only half the time. I can't stress enough that from November to about April, the entire area shuts down and there's really NOTHING to do. It's dark all the time, it's depressing, the SADS kicks in and... well... it's not pretty.

I guess the biggest thing that bugs me about it is that I feel like I'm stuck here by circumstance, not by choice. I left here twice in my life already (once to go to college in FL and the second time to go to graduate school in Chicago, then ultimately to the west coast). Both times I really didn't plan on coming back but I sort of got pushed into it - first for a job / internship and a relationship and the second time because it was literally the only game in town job-wise. If I hadn't taken the job here, I shudder to think what might've happened. 2009 was not a good year and a few more months being out of work might very well have seen me homeless - no joke. It got very scary. So there it is - I think it's okay here and I can deal with it, but only some of the year - and I never really asked to be here and I have real concerns about ending up throwing my life away on a lifestyle that's unnecessarily harder than it needs to be.

I'm not in a hurry per se but I do feel a certain amount of anxiety wanting to do something before another winter comes. If I'm going to do something this year, I need to make my plan, sell my house and make it happen in the next 3-4 months. Or I can give it a year or two (but then I'm committing to suffering through another winter or two, and I don't know if I've got it in me...)

Final thought (for now) - I don't really want to go back to CA necessarily. There are parts of it I'd consider but generally speaking I'm kinda' "been there, done that". I liked the lifestyle a lot better than here but there were a lot of things I didn't like about living there too (and I've beaten those to death so no need to rehash). I'm trying to keep open-minded about it and say "CA is a big place, if I wanted to I could find something somewhere there I'd be good with" which is the only reason I brought up places like SLO, San Fran, San Diego, etc. I'd really love to get to Hawaii but it's a tricky play to get work there. I'm also looking at places like AZ, TX, FL, GA, SC, NC and VA / DC. The problem with some of them (TX, VA, the Carolinas, AZ, GA, FL) is the salaries are pretty poor compared to say, HI, CA, DC, etc. I don't mind if it's expensive to live somewhere (although I prefer if it's not!) if it's worth it. People always were shocked about how expensive it was to live in CA when I told them what it cost. I'd shrug and just say "that's what it costs - if you want to live here that's just what it costs", which is true. And frankly a lot of people live in those "expensive" places just fine making a lot less than I do or would, so it comes down to finding the right area / neighborhood a lot of times. There's also the expat option but as with Hawaii, it's a hell of a lot of work (but maybe worth it?) Australia, NZ, parts of Asia, Italy, southern France... There are lots of options. I have pretty good credentials and could probably land something either directly practicing architecture or as a construction PM (which is what I do now). I've got options, which is nice. I just need to be careful about what I choose to do because at this point in my career a move may well define my "peak years" path and what I specialize in, etc.

The relationship situation is complicated and I won't get into the details because it doesn't really matter. Suffice to say this is my decision and mine alone. Whatever happens or doesn't happen as a result is pretty much irrelevant. I've been told it's my decision, so I'll decide on the basis of that and let other people react to it however they choose to (I've been told what they'd do supposedly, but talk is cheap and I won't believe it until I see it). Again, solely my call what I want to do.