[Hawkeye's-911T]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked AAA van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .."Blow that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."



When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the effing thing!


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern..

Murphy says to Paddy, "What ya talkin into an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick eejit !"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 Irishmen go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

Cheers
JB