Lee, thanks for posting your progress and the good news on your new life.
Well, almost a year later here is where I am.
Ive been through hell and back. It got worse after I stopped posting. New information came out that let me off the hook. People kept that from me hoping to spare me the pain, but in reality it gave me closure.
In the meantime my head kept going around in circles trying to figure out where "I" went wrong. Before the split we'd be out, having fun, and within a short time of being home she'd turn on me, and I never understood why. What did I do wrong between the car and the house?
She was a master of guilt, which I'd been brainwashed into accepting, when in fact it was about her guilt. A friend suggested that she was probably trying to get me to leave. I was just too dumb to realize it.
As a result of all of this rumination, I probably killed any chance of motion asking me along on another motorcycle ride. This **** was so deep inside my head.
But, I found out the truth when I got home.two months and 23,000kms later. It set me free, but also set in motion a bunch of unexpected resentments, feeling my life had been stolen.
The hurt for her went away in the first coupe months, but the sting of having been played has not.
I realized that what I missed most was ME!
Ive followed a lot of the advice here and form others.
Ive found the true me.
I'll never sacrifice me again
in a new relationship, blow it up early if I have any indications of certain character traits.
I'm ok with ME.
As flatbutt said, I also go to bed with someone I love every night. ME!
I've separated in my mind the two women that I was married to:
1) the loving caring person I knew who I raised two children with. She was my biggest cheer leader.
2) The woman that she became in the last few years. She has to have been struggling with a lot of internal demons. I didn't recognize that woman (and Im not taking physically). Someone stole her brain. While that woman was evil, I thought malicious sometimes, but probably she was afraid or anxious and scared. That finely honed evolutionary defense mechanism is pretty convincing to ward off enemies. She is not now, and was not before an evil person. but in the height of it all She'd lose it in a scorched earth rage.
. But once in a while a glimmer of who she once was would appear, and that was confusing. I felt like someone on the walking dead, in love with the person she once was, not the person who's brain had shifted.
I got every crazy reason in the book for the split. One day it was that I hadn't;t finished building the dune buggy, but another it was because she even had to dress me???
Obviously none of the many reasons were the real reason but many of them left me off balance.
I know in the last few years she had people at work who were not looking out for her best interests, including women who were jealous of the life that she had. I believe they poisoned the well, and one day she announced to me that she realized that she was in a bad marriage. Like what, magically?
And for those who didn't have malicious intention, friends, the problem with friends is that they believe you. If she was feeling something, poor you. Who had MY back/ Who was there to question her assumption? My reading on Perimenopause really suggests that a stable but questioning voice can be beneficial for someone who is experiencing the anxiety and uncertainty etc that comes with that.. Thats what a good professional will do. People have told me since that I didn't stand a chance.
So here is how Ive spent the last year:
Step 1. Moved on from her in the first few months.
Step 2. Became OK with me. I can be alone with me for the rest of my life and Im ok with that. I hit that point after a lot of self examination after the first 3 months
step 3. let myself off the hook. Too much of the ridiculous reasons were pointed my way leaving me to travel for months while trying to solve these riddles inside my helmet. I've finally moved past that
Step 4.Purge the resentment. I've really working on that one but it keeps sneaking back up on me. She stoled my life, and while i was away even put down my dog. Its easy to sound like a victim, but thats the way I feel, but I don't want to be so I turn every negative victim thought around into an "I" statement. I take ownership. I let it happen. "I" will take control of what happens next.
Step 5. Cautiously allow myself to be around other women. Cautiously and slowly. And look for the signs.
Ive already had one stalker from a simple conversation. Pissed because I wouldn't give her a chance and go out with her even for a coffee. Boys. thats a sign. And I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than get tangled up with something like that.
My revenge will be to dig myself out of this financial and emotional hole, become a success again and most important happy. I think she has internal demons that will never let her enjoy the same happiness. I will be, in fact AM better for it.
The unfortunate thing is that the old me is gone. Will never return. I will remain guarded, less trusting in many situations, and I suppose less gullible or willing to give the benefit of the doubt. But I will live life with extreme honesty and expect exactly the same thing from anyone else. If a conversation about a difficult subject cannot be had, blow it up, its not worth it, I won't accept anything less from anyone. And if you can't handle me being honest, same goes.
Extreme integrity is the only thing that I will accept.
-Character is a beauty that attracts me.
-Empathy is an aphrodisiac.
-The ability to self reflect an absolute necessity.
TO answer the question "why are so many guys blindsided?
I think that the answer to that is that things appear to get better. We think we've made it through the toughest part of marriage, and now it time for us as a couple to enjoy the fruits of our labor.
I myself felt that in the kids and careers years, when the going got a bit tough, I imagined that we were swinging across a chasm, me hanging on to the vine, and her in my arms, soon to be safely across to the other side. All the signs seemed to be there that we had each others backs. But unfortunately just when the other side was in sight and we were about to land on solid ground, she cut the FN rope!
There is no way that I ever want her back. But I miss my life so I am building a new one.
Wayne
P.S.
For those with good relationships, possibly about to get blind sided, let me submit "exhibit A"
