First marriage did not survive it, COVID only made it worse.

Second marriage is just starting menopause (much earlier). She is taking meds, but the anger outbursts are stressing. Alcohol makes everything worse. Sex becomes a chore when you can't keep her mouth shut. It's so hard to concentrate.

I'm going to get her on the one-a-day and see if it helps. This is great thread.

Seems like there should be more information out there for both of us, but there doesn't seem to be.

I'm soon to be 64, my (2nd) wife soon to be 58. We've been together for 22 years, work friends then dating @1 year prior. In the first few years my wife was absolutely gorgeous. dark long hair, lips, t*ts and hips standing 5' tall. Some of my friends thought she was a former stripper with all that going even though she was Christian and dressed conservatively. She had perfect skin, etc, etc. Just think of Wynona Judd (back in the day before she got fat). Our sex life as well as most everything else was really, very good overall. We'd both learned a lot from our previous relationships and were a lot older.

Then............................................me nopause hit @ 4 years ago. She gained a lot of weight right in her stomach as most women do. She was irrational, angry, depressed, couldn't sleep, then could not get up. She started to drink wine every evening and consumed more liquor on the weekends than ever before. She developed rosatia (sp?) on her face. She lost any and all interest in sex, forgetting that OK, I'm still a guy - I have the occasional needs, even if it's just a reach around.

She refused doctor's advice until last year when her doctor told her she was on the verge of being obese, had heart palpitations, high blood pressure. She then went on a 1000 calorie a day diet which has helped everything, but she refuses to consider hormone therapy, natural or otherwise.

We had a huge blowout over the 4th weekend where we had 4 days off together. I just could not take one more dinner of her complaining about (fill in the blank) It's been Hell honestly. If I were not saved, and had no real point of moral reference, I'm not sure where I would be

Reading these posts tell us "we never know what goes on behind closed doors"

You never really do.

Here's the thing. When growing up in the 60's / 70's I was advised on everything from drugs, hard drugs, gold digging women, work and work ethic(s), higher education, drive to succeed - most all of which I ignored. You know the ONE thing no one ever discussed with me? Effing menopausal women, cause and effects on the spouse. I actually brought this up in past monthly men's meetings with our church I was so frustrated. The guys who were older than me just laughed and patted me on the back, the younger ones looked all wide-eyed with gaping pie-holes

I'm seeing alcohol as a big contributor to the problem here...

I'm "dealing" with it now, too. Not much problem, really. The hot flashes suck for her and she HAS run me out of the bed a couple nights because it just gets TOO hot (I run hot already, too) but not a huge problem. Mood swings are non-existent, fortunately, and she's found some supplement that is really helping her hot flashes. She's done a lot of research and has decided to do HRT. Hopefully, that'll help her.

We have joked about a "bed divorce" (where couples sleep in separate beds) but I'd never do that to her unless it got REALLY bad. A couple bad nights of sleep over a 6 month period? I can deal with that.

This is such an under publicized issue. My 17 year marriage didn’t survive it. It’s never brought up because it’s deemed sexist, not PC or that you’re putting the blame on something besides yourself.
Children’s live are negatively impacted. It’s sad..
I’ve read that a women’s brain chemistry actual changes.. Most marriages are tenuous at best throw in some menopause issues and it’s over…

Maybe in some cases. My wife has less than 20 drinks a year. Perhaps this is the problem (she needs to drink more)…

I really appreciate everyone’s responses, even if there is no sage advice or silver bullet to fix the problem, atleast I know I’m not alone.

This is NOT pleasant. I’m going to encourage her to see our doctor about it and will send an email to our doc outlining the behaviours. If I suggest the vitamin regimen or HRT because I read about it here it won’t mean as much to her as if our beloved doc suggests these ideas.

We did this in the second year of my wife going through menopause and it saved our marriage. Between her hot flashes and snoring, I was not getting any sleep. We still sleep in separate rooms and don’t find it to be all that unusual.

Patience and understanding. If you love your wife, you will adapt to the changes.
Not easy for either of you. Been there, done that. Plenty of female friends going through the change, they all have similar challenges.

Easier to bail, but ask if you want to be that person. If the answer is yes, do it, don't prolong the suffering for either of you.

About that silver bullet?http://forums.pelicanparts.com/suppo...leys/king2.gif

Thanks man. 3 years on there's still some emotional toll to deal with. If you can keep good friends and your wits about you, emerging on the other side is wonderful when it happens.

IMO
When they reach this stage it amplifies how they really are. We've all seen the bits here and there. Menopause and boom, out come the true feelings.
I also feel that if the relationship fails because of this it was not strong to begin with.
Maybe I'm a dick.

Hey life can be brutal. Remember your wedding vows. If you had a strong marriage before then you likely will have a strong one after.
Cheers, Guy.

I’m thinking the ladies would be waaaay less tolerant of their spouses if allasudden those spouses turned into raging lunatics for months or years on end.

Leaving a marriage isn't always failing. If cracks were there to begin with, or the menopause comes with other things like drinking or drug abuse, then you have to preserve yourself and possibly other family members. That is the only way to possibly come back around to the relationship. If you both go down a black hole, there is nothing to preserve. People have to help themselves and if the wife isn't willing to work on making herself better through this, then she is the one doing the the damage. My second wife of now 7 years had ovarian cancer earlier in her life. She's now 67. She's been on HRT because of the hysterectomy for a long time. I guess the upside is she didn't go through "the change".

I'm seeing a trend with people not getting married in that sense (vows). If it weren't for spousal benefits, I doubt you would see as many marriages as you do. If I continue this, it will go to PARF and that is not my intention.

There have been quite a few studies that show soy can reduce symptoms. Maybe adding a little to her diet can help?

Good luck.

My wife is in the middle of it now the big issue for her are the hot flashes all day and night. No out of the ordinary mood swings, she is Latin/Irish so she can be feisty, but it is not directed at me. She recently retired and is focusing on Art which she has loved all he life, I do feel for her the flashes would make me crazy.
Soy? I will mention it to her. I'm in the fire service and can be gone for days in a row so i'm sure that helps too. FYI we have been together over 30 years.

35 for me,,

Agreed about this period of our lives and the susceptibility of those little cracks in relationships being widened. Recreational drugs and even alcohol have never held regular positions in our lives. I myself can go weeks or months at a time without beer in the fridge or a cocktail in my hand so, that influence (for both of us) has never come into play in our relationship. We started out as good friends for a couple of years before we both realized we wanted more than that so, we've always had a solid base to work out differences.

We liked each other before love even entered the picture. So, while it's been higher than normal on the 'difficult scale' for me, there's NEVER been a moment when I wanted out and I consider myself an extremely lucky man.

Didn't know about Soy.. Problem is that we love that on Chinese/Tai and that is anathema to the diet regime at the moment.:D

She still loves her lattes so, might have her try that.. Things have stabilized mood wise with the ongoing HT for both the Hashimotos and the MP.

Reading this thread has opened my eyes to what has been going on in my house. I’ve been on the verge of walking out, even willing to leave my dogs behind, for the last year. I’m constantly told how awful I am but it has become clear to me that her anger and snapping at me constantly over nothing has turned me into a monster neither of us recognize. When you throw in work stress, stress over dying parents, covid lockdown job loss, diabetes and other health issues etc…..it all becomes very overwhelming. I’ll admit that I have found myself lately saying “I hate my wife “ and “I’d rather be dead than deal with this”. I guess life is always throwing challenges at you and this is just another one but it’s easy to get to the point of being ready and willing to throw it all away out of desperation.

When I got married just 6 years ago at 45 yo, I was a very heavy drinker. She fell right into my lifestyle. Things got bad quick. My wife is Native American. Not sure if stereotypes are true but my wife simply can’t handle it. I shut it down when I lost my job in 2020 because of covid lockdowns knowing that being out of work and drinking all day, especially with diabetes, was a bad road to go down. She stopped too.

Unfortunately the seriously reduced alcohol consumption around here has not helped at all from what I can tell.

Frankly this is a remarkable, heartfelt thread...amazing insight and pathos.

Every marriage has a swale or two...or three. Mine certainly has.

I wish you all a path forward in your unique ways.

It is sad that there doesn’t appear to be any resources for men and family members who are navigating this.

My executive coach, a post menopausal woman, told me that there is nothing I can do and at times I’m going to be the biggest a55hole in my wife’s eyes and there is nothing I can do or will be able to do to make her better.

The reason there’s no help is because there is no problem. It’s all our imaginations supplemented with a heaping helping of misogyny.

Exactly! Everyone expects people to look different. And folks expect some people to be stronger/faster/more athletic due to visual differences. The same way that there's infinite variation in appearance and physical ability, the same can be said for intelligence or biochemical. And the results of major hormone changes can and will affect different people very differently.

In our instance, menopause was pretty much a non-event. My wife's physical and mental symptoms were super mild to non-existant. I got lucky.

+1
Good idea at any time in life. It took me a long time to understand that there are some hills not worth dying over.
This is what got me through it.
This is a KEY POINT. I fell in love with my wife and not her body or how well she makes me happy. I love the person. Love sometimes means attraction but with menopause it meant compassion for when the other person is hurting.

Did she make me frustrated and even furious at times? Absolutely. I just had to remember that she was a victim of this as well as me. I cared about her being so miserable.

We made our vows to God to love each other "in sickness and in health". Most folks think the phrase is "as long as we are having fun". When my commitment to her was almost to the breaking point, I remembered that I also made a commitment to God.

So how did I get through it?
-Be willing to let her win sometimes. Like above, "I'm sorry" really does work.
-Pray
-Be willing to overlook stupidity when she said absurd things.
-Pray
-Try to find things we could agree on as much as possible.
-Pray
-Recognize that although I didn't want to fight, I refused to be a victim as well. There were times where I had to draw the line and say "I'm not going to allow you to treat me this way and we can talk again later". I would go on with my day and at some point she would calm down and get her right mind back.
-Did I mention I prayed a lot?

I believe that our relationship is stronger now because we kept our commitment to God and each other and got through it.

Passed the middle of this and feel pretty blessed that it has been hot flashes and itchiness (the skin on my wife's legs looked like she was in a fight with a grizzly bear).
Mind you the sleepless nights due to the itchiness didn't make for a pleasant mood.

I know that she had some supplements that seemed to help but she didn't do HRT. That seems much more common in other countries but not so much in Canada. Not sure why.

Had this problem over 10 years ago. The worst was the hot flashes at night. I was burning the candle on both ends to keep up with work and so was my wife.
Some forum commented about 1 A Day for Women Over 50.
I made a suggestion that my wife try them because something I read said they worked for menopause, hot flashes and I ended up buying her a bottle. She is still taking them, I get a good night sleep and we are still married.
Best placebo I ever bought.

This continues and it’s getting worse.

The blower motor quit working in her Cayenne so I immediately ordered a replacement which will be here today. I got up early this morning and began troubleshooting shooting it, the problem is NOT the flapper motor wiring.

I just got screamed at for trying to fix it.

I’m about done with this bull5hit.

I would think that counselling would help? SmileWavy

So in the last two years, what has been tried for treatment? Anything?

We have been married 20 consecutive years and she has been premenopausal and now in menopause for 10 of those years. I'm kind of used to it now.

Not the easiest period of time during a marriage. However, I learned early on to be agreeable and sympathetic. After 44 years it seems to be working. Albeit, my wife is a peach.

June 17th will be our 47th wedding anniversary . There have been ups and downs for both of us . Menopause was just one challenge we conquered together as we are a team . I am not a religious man but I take our vows seriously as does my wife . I think that has helped us get through it all .

After 20 years, my marriage failed 2 years ago.

Menopause was part of it. But not all of it. We ultimately were not compatible.

We did 2 years of couples counseling, and I saw several individual therapists to see what else I could do to save the marriage. I would have continued to fight if she'd said she loved me and wanted to also work on her, including seeing a doctor (instead of a bottle) to manage her depression and hormonal changes. But alas, she was very angered that I'd suggest she might need additional help to save the marriage...

The whole process was very upsetting (obvs). But ultimately I did not want to model a miserable, "cold war" marriage for my teenage sons. The divorce was ultimately about as smooth as possible, though still not fun.

As a divorced guy, there is plenty of life on the other side, including younger, pre-menopausal women. And I'm happy with my choice. But I'm not gonna lie, the menopause chapter can be a real bummer and does continue to shape my thinking about future relationships.

Whether menopause is a reason for divorce or just exacerbates incompatability is an individual and difficult analysis. Wishing my brothers the best - - I'm told there can be light on the other side but I never made it.


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Man after reading all of this, I consider myself auper lucky. We've been married for 28 years and known eachother for 40. My wife has had almost no indications of menopause, except for occasional comments about minor hot flashes. I'm wishing those of you having to suffer through the worst the best of luck.

The problem with menopause, for men, is it's outside your control. Hormones govern everyone' emotions and thoughts. So it's entirely possible that your wife may decide some existing issue can no longer be overlooked, and you're no longer the apple of her eye. No, I'm not saying it's the man's fault this happens. I'm simply pointing out that, aside from trying to stay calm, there's little y'all are going to do.

PS, men also change as their hormones decline. Y'all may not realize it since it's more gradual, but old man syndrome is a real thing.

We got through mental pause (our name for it) relatively unscathed. She was aware, ask for understanding and, I guess, we have always been so enamored of each other that we worked our way through it with love and humor.
Our current challenge is MCI. So far, lessons we learned managing mentalpause are helping us cope with this new challenge.