Serious question. How did you survive menopause with your marriage intact?

[70SATMan]

35 for me,,

Agreed about this period of our lives and the susceptibility of those little cracks in relationships being widened. Recreational drugs and even alcohol have never held regular positions in our lives. I myself can go weeks or months at a time without beer in the fridge or a cocktail in my hand so, that influence (for both of us) has never come into play in our relationship. We started out as good friends for a couple of years before we both realized we wanted more than that so, we've always had a solid base to work out differences.

We liked each other before love even entered the picture. So, while it's been higher than normal on the 'difficult scale' for me, there's NEVER been a moment when I wanted out and I consider myself an extremely lucky man.

Didn't know about Soy.. Problem is that we love that on Chinese/Tai and that is anathema to the diet regime at the moment.

She still loves her lattes so, might have her try that.. Things have stabilized mood wise with the ongoing HT for both the Hashimotos and the MP.

[ramonesfreak]

Reading this thread has opened my eyes to what has been going on in my house. I’ve been on the verge of walking out, even willing to leave my dogs behind, for the last year. I’m constantly told how awful I am but it has become clear to me that her anger and snapping at me constantly over nothing has turned me into a monster neither of us recognize. When you throw in work stress, stress over dying parents, covid lockdown job loss, diabetes and other health issues etc…..it all becomes very overwhelming. I’ll admit that I have found myself lately saying “I hate my wife “ and “I’d rather be dead than deal with this”. I guess life is always throwing challenges at you and this is just another one but it’s easy to get to the point of being ready and willing to throw it all away out of desperation.

[ramonesfreak]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

I'm seeing alcohol as a big contributor to the problem here...

When I got married just 6 years ago at 45 yo, I was a very heavy drinker. She fell right into my lifestyle. Things got bad quick. My wife is Native American. Not sure if stereotypes are true but my wife simply can’t handle it. I shut it down when I lost my job in 2020 because of covid lockdowns knowing that being out of work and drinking all day, especially with diabetes, was a bad road to go down. She stopped too.

Unfortunately the seriously reduced alcohol consumption around here has not helped at all from what I can tell.

[Seahawk]

Frankly this is a remarkable, heartfelt thread...amazing insight and pathos.

Every marriage has a swale or two...or three. Mine certainly has.

I wish you all a path forward in your unique ways.

[unclebilly]

It is sad that there doesn’t appear to be any resources for men and family members who are navigating this.

My executive coach, a post menopausal woman, told me that there is nothing I can do and at times I’m going to be the biggest a55hole in my wife’s eyes and there is nothing I can do or will be able to do to make her better.

[Crowbob]

The reason there’s no help is because there is no problem. It’s all our imaginations supplemented with a heaping helping of misogyny.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by cstreit

I’m sure it’s different for everyone.

Ever had a bad day for no reason? Just wake up angry ot grumpy and don’t know why? Imagine that for weeks on end for several years…. Hormones control mood. How would you want it handled? How would she? Try that.

Exactly! Everyone expects people to look different. And folks expect some people to be stronger/faster/more athletic due to visual differences. The same way that there's infinite variation in appearance and physical ability, the same can be said for intelligence or biochemical. And the results of major hormone changes can and will affect different people very differently.

In our instance, menopause was pretty much a non-event. My wife's physical and mental symptoms were super mild to non-existant. I got lucky.

[Por_sha911]

Originally Posted by oldE

I knew what was happening and didn't take it personally.

+1

Originally Posted by Bugsinrugs

“I’m sorry dear”

Good idea at any time in life. It took me a long time to understand that there are some hills not worth dying over.

Originally Posted by asphaltgambler

If I were not saved, and had no real point of moral reference, I'm not sure where I would be

This is what got me through it.

Originally Posted by Shifter

Patience and understanding. If you love your wife, you will adapt to the changes..

This is a KEY POINT. I fell in love with my wife and not her body or how well she makes me happy. I love the person. Love sometimes means attraction but with menopause it meant compassion for when the other person is hurting.

Did she make me frustrated and even furious at times? Absolutely. I just had to remember that she was a victim of this as well as me. I cared about her being so miserable.

We made our vows to God to love each other "in sickness and in health". Most folks think the phrase is "as long as we are having fun". When my commitment to her was almost to the breaking point, I remembered that I also made a commitment to God.

So how did I get through it?
-Be willing to let her win sometimes. Like above, "I'm sorry" really does work.
-Pray
-Be willing to overlook stupidity when she said absurd things.
-Pray
-Try to find things we could agree on as much as possible.
-Pray
-Recognize that although I didn't want to fight, I refused to be a victim as well. There were times where I had to draw the line and say "I'm not going to allow you to treat me this way and we can talk again later". I would go on with my day and at some point she would calm down and get her right mind back.
-Did I mention I prayed a lot?

I believe that our relationship is stronger now because we kept our commitment to God and each other and got through it.

[billybek]

Passed the middle of this and feel pretty blessed that it has been hot flashes and itchiness (the skin on my wife's legs looked like she was in a fight with a grizzly bear).
Mind you the sleepless nights due to the itchiness didn't make for a pleasant mood.

I know that she had some supplements that seemed to help but she didn't do HRT. That seems much more common in other countries but not so much in Canada. Not sure why.

[cjh]

Had this problem over 10 years ago. The worst was the hot flashes at night. I was burning the candle on both ends to keep up with work and so was my wife.
Some forum commented about 1 A Day for Women Over 50.
I made a suggestion that my wife try them because something I read said they worked for menopause, hot flashes and I ended up buying her a bottle. She is still taking them, I get a good night sleep and we are still married.
Best placebo I ever bought.

[unclebilly]

This continues and it’s getting worse.

The blower motor quit working in her Cayenne so I immediately ordered a replacement which will be here today. I got up early this morning and began troubleshooting shooting it, the problem is NOT the flapper motor wiring.

I just got screamed at for trying to fix it.

I’m about done with this bull5hit.

[recycled sixtie]

I would think that counselling would help?

[70SATMan]

Originally Posted by unclebilly

This continues and it’s getting worse.

The blower motor quit working in her Cayenne so I immediately ordered a replacement which will be here today. I got up early this morning and began troubleshooting shooting it, the problem is NOT the flapper motor wiring.

I just got screamed at for trying to fix it.

I’m about done with this bull5hit.

So in the last two years, what has been tried for treatment? Anything?

[peppy]

We have been married 20 consecutive years and she has been premenopausal and now in menopause for 10 of those years. I'm kind of used to it now.

[NY65912]

Not the easiest period of time during a marriage. However, I learned early on to be agreeable and sympathetic. After 44 years it seems to be working. Albeit, my wife is a peach.

[rfuerst911sc]

June 17th will be our 47th wedding anniversary . There have been ups and downs for both of us . Menopause was just one challenge we conquered together as we are a team . I am not a religious man but I take our vows seriously as does my wife . I think that has helped us get through it all .

[brainz01]

After 20 years, my marriage failed 2 years ago.

Menopause was part of it. But not all of it. We ultimately were not compatible.

We did 2 years of couples counseling, and I saw several individual therapists to see what else I could do to save the marriage. I would have continued to fight if she'd said she loved me and wanted to also work on her, including seeing a doctor (instead of a bottle) to manage her depression and hormonal changes. But alas, she was very angered that I'd suggest she might need additional help to save the marriage...

The whole process was very upsetting (obvs). But ultimately I did not want to model a miserable, "cold war" marriage for my teenage sons. The divorce was ultimately about as smooth as possible, though still not fun.

As a divorced guy, there is plenty of life on the other side, including younger, pre-menopausal women. And I'm happy with my choice. But I'm not gonna lie, the menopause chapter can be a real bummer and does continue to shape my thinking about future relationships.

Whether menopause is a reason for divorce or just exacerbates incompatability is an individual and difficult analysis. Wishing my brothers the best - - I'm told there can be light on the other side but I never made it.


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[Evans, Marv]

Man after reading all of this, I consider myself auper lucky. We've been married for 28 years and known eachother for 40. My wife has had almost no indications of menopause, except for occasional comments about minor hot flashes. I'm wishing those of you having to suffer through the worst the best of luck.

[Dixie]

The problem with menopause, for men, is it's outside your control. Hormones govern everyone' emotions and thoughts. So it's entirely possible that your wife may decide some existing issue can no longer be overlooked, and you're no longer the apple of her eye. No, I'm not saying it's the man's fault this happens. I'm simply pointing out that, aside from trying to stay calm, there's little y'all are going to do.

PS, men also change as their hormones decline. Y'all may not realize it since it's more gradual, but old man syndrome is a real thing.

[wdfifteen]

We got through mental pause (our name for it) relatively unscathed. She was aware, ask for understanding and, I guess, we have always been so enamored of each other that we worked our way through it with love and humor.
Our current challenge is MCI. So far, lessons we learned managing mentalpause are helping us cope with this new challenge.