Dying
 

Patrick's thread really put me in a somber mood and compelled me to think about what it would be like to be surrounded by loved ones when you go. Will they be crying, lamenting your passing, or happy and joyful, celebrating your life? What compels your loved ones to have the reaction they have? Is it what you've done with your life? I've spent my life dreading dying, and it is in my thoughts every day, for better or worse. I try to extract every last ounce of life while I have it, but of course, I am always going to fall short. I guess all I've really learned is to focus on what matters, and discard the rest. The endless pursuit is trying to figure out what really matters.

Just rambling... I hate death and am completely terrified at the thought of leaving this world, and the company of the people I love.

It's like how they say that funerals are for the living.......none of this will bother you when you are gone. I think it takes a special kind of family to put their sadness aside and really celebrate your life, and probably a lot of alcohol. I'm hoping to have plenty of both at my funeral.

My kid band is to play "Another one bites the dust" at full volume.

Motion, while you have been dreading dying, myself just the opposite, I have no fear in dying, not that I want to rush it but when it happens it happens, thank you very much.

It all started for myself when I was 13 yo, I was involved in a car accident that when it was all said and done , a left forehead built out of bondo. Still today have no recall of that accident but I was clinically dead for a few minutes and spent 2 weeks in a coma. I know it wasn't my time and who makes that call, well, the big guy in the sky??

I was with my Dad when he gave out his last breath 26 yrs ago and it was sorta the same spiritual experience as that accident when I was 13, I am totally at peace with it all.

We are all mortal, we will all die so as I tell many people live your life like today is your last day, enjoy every moment. There is more satisfaction in giving than getting and I want a life with quality not quantity. My Mom is 90 and now lives in a nursing home, she has no quality anymore but she is still alive.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Sorry, couldn't resist.

My parents are entering their 90's, weekly doctor visits, operations every few months, their kitchen cabinet looks like a pharmacy, slowly losing their sight/hearing/appetite, family fighting about their care and finances.


They have lived a long full life and I love them dearly.

Do I want to end up like that? Not just no but heck no!!!!

I figure if I make it to 80 I will be good to go...

You will set the tone, and it all depends on what you really believe.
For me I actually look forward to it a little because I know what's next and it's a whole lot better, BTDT.

not gonna discuss details just so the negative nellies can pick it apart but I am sure.

In my case? Crying, lamenting my life, and happy and joyful, celebrating my death. SmileWavy

I loathe tattoos, but always said that when I turn 75 I will have clearly tattooed across my chest:
"Not for resus, not for ICU"

+1. Sometime when I was around 18 this was something that no longer bothered me anymore. It's going to happen, so why fight/fear it? I don't care if I'm not missed by others. At the same time, I hope I'm not hated to the point where people are GLAD that I'm dead. My wife, though, is in the motion camp of fear of death. Won't even talk about it.

I think it also brings up the corollary question of: If you had the opportunity, would you want to know how/when you are going to die?

I love Jack Handy. That was the first wisea$$ comment to come into my mind, too.

Dying
 

He's right, you set the tone. Being a hospice nurse and seeing quite a few deaths, I can confidently say you are in control of your death. Not when you die, but rather how you die. Even if it is something unexpected. For example, if I died tomorrow, I know my family and friends would be ok because of how I spoke of death. they would be sad, but they would be at peace. That being said, a lot of it still is in your control. You would think that a young father dying of cancer would be horrible or sad... Well, it was sad. All deaths are sad. But it wasn't horrible. In fact it was lovely. I know it is ironic to say but it was. Don't be fearful of it. It's part of the cycle. Everybody dies. So as soon as you embrace the idea that dying is what you are supposed to do, it brings some sort of peace and acceptance. And when you witness a good peaceful death, you realize it isn't so scary.

He chose what he was going to wear when he died. He picked his soccer uniform. He chose to have his two kids lay in his hospital bed as he took his last breaths. The wall behind him plastered with colorful crayon drawn pictures of him depicted as a cartoon character, kicking around a soccer ball. He chose to have his hospital bed in the living room as opposed to the bedroom because he knew that's where all the daily happenings occur. And even though at the near end, he laid with his eyes closed most of the day, he could still hear his kids watching TV, playing, his wife cooking dinner. When he took his last breath, I swear he was smiling. He had his arm around his son and his other around his daughter, with his head resting on the top of hers, eyes closed. His wife was standing at the foot of the bed, with one hand on his leg. And although she had tears streaming down her face, she also had a big toothy smile. You could see she was such in awe with the scene of her husband and her children. All of us were crying but I swear I have never felt so much love and peace as I did then.

It is customary to have follow up visits with family after their loved ones passed away. To make sure the family didn't need further assistance with anything. Finances, funeral arrangements, counseling, etc. When I went back to visit that family, the children were laying on the floor where the bed had stood, pictures were still up on the wall, they were coloring new ones. And as I sat there talking to their mother, she actually was smiling, talking about his passing. Yes, you could see she was grieving but you could see, she was looking at that spot, with that same look of peace and love in her face as that day. She told me she was so appreciative that they could all have that moment together and it would be something she would always cherish. She said the kids seemed to do very well with it and in fact, spoke about it a lot and instead of being scary, it helped them say goodbye to Daddy.

Yes, you set the tone. Your family can be hysterical and emotionally distraught. You can't help all of that. But if you show them that you are at peace with it, it helps them be at peace with it. Death is like a lot of things in life. It isn't necessarily the situation but how you handle it depends on if it ends up being a good or bad experience. You don't have control of when you die but you can control everything else about it.

And don't spend your the days of your LIFE, worrying about your death. That's just a waste. And another thing, I can tell you what really matters. :) You ask how I know? Well, when you take care of enough people when they are dying, they let you on to that secret. I can't remember one patient saying they wished they had taken that high paying job or wished they had a million dollars. Most said they wished they would have spent more time with their kids, their friend, their spouse. It sounds so boring and cliché but its the truth. And all of them said they wished they weren't so scared to live. Ironic, isn't it? That they would have taken more chances, more risks. Done what their inner voice was telling them rather than what other people thought.

And one more thought before I shut up, you say you are terrified to leave this world and the people you love. Don't you see if you are terrified, the loved ones you are leaving will be terrified as well? I have several books that might help you through that fear.

My patients have taught me a lot about death AND life. I am not scared of death. I think of it more as a phase in my life cycle. A phase that everybody goes through, not just me. And after seeing countless loving and peaceful deaths as I described above, no, death does not scare me.

PM if you want to know more about those books. :)

Oh, but if I die because of something stupid, like getting run over by a drunk driver or some selfish bubblehead texting, I'm definitely coming back as some sort of poltergeist to haunt the crap out of them for the rest of their hopefully miserable lives.

I must be allergic to something at my desk... I seem to be tearing up..

Thanks tweese

What a story tweezers!

My dad is 85 and has lived a full life, but he's getting to the point where he's not very mobile, forgets things, takes lots if meds, etc. I told my wife I don't want want to live like that. Hopefully I'll be ready for the other side and can make it quick.

At the risk of being sent to Ban Island for posting scripture outside of PARF, I submit the following question. (One I'd feel comfortable asking any of you over shots of tequila in a biker bar...)

"Who of you, by worrying, can add a single hour to his life?"

Randy

I have a ton of "stories". I told myself one of these days I am going to write a book, a collection of sorts, of all the deaths I was a part of. Not as morbid as it sounds. More as a tribute to all the wonderful patients and families I had that taught me so much about life, death, being a nurse, myself. I have some funny stories, some sad, some wonderful. Each chapter would be about a different patient. That's why I believe your encounters with people can be life changing, even if it's brief. I hope all those patients know I still speak of them and learned from them. ;)

Oh and about your father, I had many patients like him too. Go getters who didn't want to live like that. Don't worry, he will go quick because he wants to. Seriously. I had so many patients who were "fine" in the sense they weren't on the brink of death but were so independent that they DESPISED using a walker or oxygen. Those went fast. They just told their body to stop. Then you got the ones that had unfinished business and you swear they were on their last breath two weeks ago. I got a really good story about that one and about unfinished business. ;)

I SHOULD go write that book. ;)

Thanks Tweezers
 

Tweezers,

Can't say anything more eloquent than thank you.

I don't worry about it at all. Well, I worry some about my wife being upset, lonely, financially ok without me, and I worry a little less that my folks would really be crushed if I were to predecease them. But otherwise I'm fine with it.

I was really riding like a hooligan today, irritated because some pain kept me from completing my workout at the gym and some other petty BS everyone lets get the best of them from time to time. But in the big picture, I've checked a lot of stuff off my bucket list by the tender age of 42. My real biggest worry today was that I couldn't get hold of my wife at work and just wanted to hear her voice for a bit. Her broken English almost brings me to tears. And I have a feeling my next job is gonna mean I get to see her less often.

Like Noah930, I will be pissed if I die for a stupid, preventable reason. I want everyone, upon hearing of my demise, to think, "Yeah. His number was up."

Your thread put me in a somber mood ..........

When you leave this world you leave space for the young folks. Think of others and don't be selfish. As somebody else said in this thread worrying about it does not increase your lifespan. Like a ripe apple on a tree it falls.... when whoever decides to let it fall.

I'm an actuary. I think about all of you dying everyday.

i'm pretty sure it is gonna suck.

the stories, the "this happened to me" stories. 100% of them are told by folks still living. the living's perspective only. statements like, "he looks peaceful" are only our perspectives.

we wont really understand, until the time comes. man, i hope it doesnt suck!. the trick is to not worry about it until it is time to "embrace the suck". i'm working on it. good luck friends!! see you on the other side. :)

it's called survivorship bias. It applies to stock prices, too

embrace the suck. that's about it.
i'll be at the west end, and i'll be there a lot sooner than you, actuarially-wise!
SmileWavy.

Please don't bury me
Down in that cold cold ground
No, I'd druther have "em" cut me up
And pass me all around
Throw my brain in a hurricane
And the blind can have my eyes
And the deaf can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size
Give my stomach to Milwaukee
If they run out of beer
Put my socks in a cedar box
Just get "em" out of here
Venus de Milo can have my arms
Look out! I've got your nose
Sell my heart to the junkman
And give my love to Rose

Give my feet to the footloose
Careless, fancy free
Give my knees to the needy
Don't pull that stuff on me
Hand me down my walking cane
It's a sin to tell a lie
Send my mouth way down south
And kiss my ass goodbye

-John Prine

I'm suspicious of anyone who says they're not afraid of dying.
That's just me...not wanting to create a thread war...it's just what I notice.
.

It's the second biggest event in your Life, next to Birth. The first event turned out pretty cool, now didn't it? SmileWavy

i think it is the culture that is fostered within the family and by the person that is dying. there are other considerations, of course: how the person died, at what age, sudden, drawn out, tragic, accepted, etc.

the mood of my family, and myself, when my grandmother died was very different than when my 20 year old sister died, unexpectedly, suddenly, and selfishly. my grandmother was a loving person that loved life and embraced her reward. my sister was unhappy, entitled, and vengeful. she had good qualities, too, and i loved her more than any of my other siblings.

anyway, introspection rubs off.

my two cents. YMMV.

Yeah, and who among us was present for their own birth?

My 'rents are pretty young....75 and 80. Theirs lived long as well.

My Dadz (shutup Sid) says...."dying, it's a hard act to follow"

Um... who WASN'T present for their own birth?

My wife has been a nurse for 35 years and has seen it all as well. She sees death as beautiful. Me, not so much.

She's been there numerous times, holding their hands and praying, as they slipped away. She's consoled many a family as well, helping them through tough decisions.

.
You were? Tell us about it, then.

I got photos taken right after. Pretty sure I was there.

Wonderful! Again, feel free to share your experience of it.

Birth is like Death. You can't describe it, you just had to be there. SmileWavy

Too funny! :D Great!

I remember when I was born. My parents had me circumcised. It hurt so bad, I couldn't walk for a year. (Thanks Moses).

In my younger years I used to panic just thinking about my own death. But I get less and less worried with age. Once death has started to chip away at your body and you realize you will never be 20 again, the unavoidable path forward becomes clearer every birthday, decade, milestone of your life.

Only two things that currently worry me:

1) Going too early, while a young family still needs you.

2) Dying slowly, bedridden for years, with pain and being a financial and emotional drain on your family.

Think of it this way: Ideally you are going to be old, with a worn out body, many of your friends dead and it will be obvious that death is the last chapter. I have witnessed this many times. People are ready by that time. Life is more miserable than death, once your body is spent. You will know when it is time to stop taking your meds, tip the nurse and ask her to be generous on the morphine.

Let's just make the time count that we are here.

G