When your parent becomes a stranger
 

My Mom will be 92 next month. She's been in assisted living for nearly two years now because she just can't be left alone. I have made peace with her eventually forgetting who I am and indeed that has begun to happen.

But I was not prepared for what I realized today as I sat trying to converse with her. She is becoming a stranger to me. We can't have a conversation about anything as her mind simply has no focus and her memory is really in tatters.

I don't know how to relate to the person she is becoming. I tell her about my life, her grandchildren and their children but none of it ,at least very little of it seems to make sense to her.

I'll not stop visiting her or telling her what the family is up to but dang this is hard to watch.

Sorry to hear of this. Dementia is a cruel disease that takes loved ones away while they're still on earth. We went through it with my grandmother, she was gone for years before she passed away @ 95 years old.

Just keep being the good son that you are, I guess and treasure these good years we're still having.

I feel for you. We went through it with my grandmother. Not being able to connect is very hard.

My dad is 90 and in good health but he has become bitter. I find it very hard to have a conversation with him, as it always winds up with him saying something hurtful.

Good Luck

Welcome to the club, my mother is 101 and been in a care facility for 10 years. Very difficult. I feel for you.

Sorry, I know it sucks. Just went through it with my grandmother who recently passed, in the end her death was a blessing due to dementia and failing health. Stay tough.

I admire your courage.

I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. My prayers are with you...

I went through the same with my mom. Pm me your number if you'd like to talk about it brother.

Yeah, it's a terrible thing. I hated every minute of it, but as a dutiful son, I did my best. At the end, it very much disturbed him to hear he had a son, since he didn't remember even being married. So, I was the nice guy that visited him every Sunday, and talked to him about football.

(The brain is an incredible thing. He retained so much detailed knowledge of football that we could talk for hours on the subject. Everything else was a total loss, but football was a real focus.)

That's got to be very difficult, Flatbutt.

Mom just turned 91 last week and is still living on her own...driving...managing the household....making her own decisions. But don't think I have not had many thoughts of what is to come...

I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing with us this very personal component of your life.

Very hard on you, but oddly, not as hard on her. One of the things Alzheimers does is remove the knowledge that you are deteriorating and any associated emotion. So your grandmother is in a mental haze, but likely not feeling the pain her loved ones are.

Sad, and of course you'll still visit her.

Just a thought: I have read compelling articles over the last few years about the power of music to reach beyond the haze - playing familiar tunes from a person's youth. I don't think it necessarily connected the dots between the parent and child, but if your Mom responds to it, it might be comforting to see a smile.

Thyra (Trekkor's Wife)

My grandma is 99. I am her power of attorney, decision maker, etc.

She has been in assisted living and now in a nursing home for the past few years. Grandma has good days and bad days. Her latest thing is telling us about a 'big ugly man that came to visit her the other day and told her that he was taking her horses to feed to foxes'. She hasn't had horses since the 50's... Luckily she still knows my brother and me and has a pretty good memory about things.

If you have old family photos, bring a selection of these every time you go to visit. Her mind is likely living 30 - 40 years in the past. The old pictures will help break the ice and she will be able to tell you all about the people in them. I also travel quite a bit with work so i always mail grandma a postcard or 2 from where ever I go. The nurses at he home said she really enjoys getting these.

My 84 year old Dad has had Alzheimer's for going on 10 years now. Always been pleasantly confused. Healthy as a horse, no memory. Pretty much stopped talking around Christmas last year. Had to put in him in nursing home in January due to my mom not being able to take care of him any longer. Since then, he's become belligerent, combative, and down right mean. The nursing home calls me daily with the "problem du jour". They have had to sedate him a couple times and now have him on antipsychotic drugs, 3 of them, one being Haldol. Powerful stuff. He doesn't remember any of us kids anymore. Difficult to watch him go downhill like this, painfully slow, eating him away. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've always been the "fixer" in my family, as my mom and siblings turn to me to handle just about everything. I can't fix this. Just sux.

I feel bad for you man. Sorry to hear it.

It is incredible the variability of dementia. My wife's grandmother died at 103 and still sharp; she even remembered my name and I only had met her once 3 years prior.

My grandfathers, both, had dementia. One was confused and thought we all lived upstairs in his rest home. He became very sad with his dementia. My other grandfather, forgot just about everything, including his kids names. He even forgot how to turn off lights using the switches, so he used to unscrew the lightbulbs. His dementia caused him to just be happy...he used to sing these songs from the 40s a lot after his stroke. Quite the contrary to the other grandfather.

I think Dementia usually takes memories from the present backward, so the earlier the memory, the more likely they will remember it. In fact, you could learn some new stuff about them if you can get them talking about something old, I have heard that the loss of the future can sometimes open up some older memories. Unfortunately, it could be that the memories lost includes you. Sorry, you are a good man.

Flat, I have been thru this. My heart goes out to you. You lose a loved one twice: first they don't know/forget who you are and again when they die. I had a very hard time making peace with myself after my mom died. I didn't get the closure I would have liked as I did when my dad died. This takes an emotional toll on you. My mom was in a nursing home for 4 years it broke my heart to see my mom go from a healthy, strong mom to a frail person robbed of her mental faculties. It was a brutal experience.

I hope you have family and friends for support. Stay strong!

This is so painful...and I am so sorry you are going through this. We just lost dad in October after a long illness, and many or most of the symptoms described in this thread applied to him.

Even though he didn't know who I was, I would watch him staring at me and I knew that deep down he understood the bond. You could see the wheels turning, he was trying so hard to remember even though the signals weren't getting through...

He did seem to enjoy holding my hand though. No words, no nothing, just human touch...

Good luck, f.b. and stay strong.

My Dad's the same....
 

...only he's in England!!!

The only good thing is that in their world, nothing has changed. They do not suffer for they know not anything different.

As a lighter moment, my mum called me several years ago in tears as my Father was really succumbing to Alzheimer's Dimentia, and I said to her; "Mum, look on the bright side, you'll only ever need to buy one Christmas and Birthday card again, don't put the year on and give him it next year!! ;)"

It made her smile and so me happy

It is cruel, but only for those it doesn't affect.

Flatbutt,

Sorry to hear of your struggles. The loss of a parent or other family member in this was is so hard. We understand death, but the loss of the mind in an otherwise seemingly healthy body is worse in some ways.

It may or may not help you maintain a feeling of connection, but was your mother at all musical? You might try bringing in a player with old songs or hymns to see if they trigger memories.

I know of a couple of cases of folks who can't remember their families, but remember the words and melodies of songs of their generation.

Prayers
Les

Thank you all for the kind responses and suggestions. I will definitely try some music. One of her nurses said something encouraging yesterday.

He told me that even though her memory is shattered she still has some grasp of the moment. So my visits, though forgotten, may often provide her with a more pleasant "now". The "living in the moment" perspective.

Thanks for sharing gang.

I can somewhat relate to what you are going through. My mother passed away in 2012 age 94. Somebody said at her funeral that she had died ten years ago. She did have bouts of anger and some strange behavior in her last few years. She was so paranoid about somebody stealing her silver cutlery from her room in her group home. So before we went downtown I put it all in my backpack and I ended up walking around the city with her and carrying about what felt like 20 lbs of silverware!

Like yourself I did have a good relationship with my mother until she broke her hip and then she died a year later. Who knows what we will be like when we are that age assuming we reach the 90's?

My fil who is in a care home has just turned 98. He has been a good provider however my wife says that he attempted to sexually molest her and kill her when she was younger. His children are still afraid of him. He now needs help going to and from the bathroom. He still plays favorites and my wife and I are in the city most of the time. Her one brother my age has terminal cancer and the other two are between the US and here. I am the only male spouse that he has not taken a swing at! The fight is gone out of him now but he is still demanding. I really just want him to pass on so his children can have some peace.

Yep Flatbutt I am sorry to hear about your mother. It is painful to witness especially when you care for her so much. My thoughts are with you.
Guy

My dad passed away on Jan 6th at the age of 88. I first noticed his dementia beginning in his early 70's. He had a knee replaced and it was like he never recovered from the anesthesia. He would come and go but you could carry a conversation with him in the beginning. Then he would get quiet when he didn't understand what you were talking about or didn't like what was being said. He drove until he was 74. A police officer showed up at the door one day and said dad was at a grocery store and hit a shopping cart and drove it into a woman's door. The woman said it looked like he had no idea he had hit the shopping cart and drove off. Mom took his car keys away after that.

My mom looked after him, but he continued to devolve. At lunch one day he hid his medications under his place mat. Mom gave him **** for hiding the meds. He said "Why do I have to take them?" (the why stage in two year olds) She explained the Dr. said he had to take them. He then asked who she was to make him take the Meds? Mom told him she was his wife and he had to take his meds. He looked at her and said "I've never been married!" They had been married 52 years at this point. He had no idea.

Mom looked after him till her cancer came back and she passed quickly. Dad had to have 24 hr care at that point as he wandered off and we were worried he might come to harm. In retrospect it might have been better if something had happened to him because there was another 12 years of degradation to the point were he was unresponsive, didn't initiate and was totally unaware of his surroundings. Eventually the disease progressed to effect his brain stem then he ceased to function.

My dad had it for about 15-16 years. His brother had it but didn't last as long and I found out a couple years ago their father (my grandfather who I never met) had it and died in his 40's from it.

Every time I forget where something is it scares the **** out of me and I wonder when it will be my turn.

Sorry to hear this about your mother.

I made a brief entry here back a few posts. As mentioned my mother has been in this state for almost ten years. She initially fell and broke her pelvis and then off to recovery and then because of the physical trauma seemed to also transition emotionally and really went downhill fast with dementia. It was a blessing to some extent because she refused to go to a care facility and this gave the path for that transition. She was at a point where she could no longer live alone, falling, leaving the stove on and wandering out of the house looking for my father who had been dead for ten years. It was all very sad and very stressful so a nursing facility was the only solution. I, nor my sister, ever expected this to go on for 10 year but it has. My mother is on seroquel to keep her calm. She has some bad days but most are good. She remembers nothing but can still read everything one puts in front of her. She can not converse and her hearing has failed. If she does not get her seroquel things can get very problematic. She will get very nasty, swear and pull hair and slap so she might need to be segregated from the other residents. I see her monthly since I live three hours away and my sister sees her much more frequently. It's exhausting to visit but I know it is necessary for both myself and my mother.

I actually pray that it ends because my mother would not want to live this way but yet when it ends I know I will be very upset and saddened by her passing. There is no getting out of this world alive and at 101 I think her passing should be more of a celebration of life than a mourning. I have many friends that have gone through the same experience but no one for ten years. I would love to know what she is thinking but that will never be the case. I also wish she could enjoy her great grandchildren but that will never be the case as well. All very sad. We have put all appropriate practices in place to not prolong her life and yet she soldiers on, eating three squares a day and not getting any bad colds or broken bones. In some ways I hope I have some of her good genes but I also know I wouldn't want to be at her point and depend on others to care for me. And so life goes on................

Sorry to hear about your Mom, Flatbutt.
Hang in there the best you can.
Prayers sent your way.

Same thing happening to my 85 year old mother. Had to move her into a nursing home last August. She has no idea who I am. It hurts to even think about how long she will have to live there. It helps to see posts from others who are living through this hell.

Sorry to hear that man but like so many others here I know what you're going through. I experienced the same thing with my grandmother. Seeing her transition from the person with the strongest will I've ever seen to a frail, husk of a human was very difficult for me. She had taken care if me when I was young so I did everything I could to take care of her when she needed it . Although near her end she didn't know who I was I think she knew I was someone special to her. I could tell because she was comfortable around me while she really wasn't near most other people.

If you need someone to talk to please feel free to PM me for my contact info.

Take care,
Michael

Thanks so much. Not that I wish this on anyone else but it helps to hear from you all.

Dad passed away last year after the same struggle.

They say Pneumonia is 'the old persons friend'.

Talking about it with others is a huge first step.
Look for local Alzheimer's/dementia support groups. For yourself and her.
"Physician heal thyself."

-Ignore the ups-n-downs and confusion.
-Bring memorabilia, soft sweet treats, bright gifts, and always remain in the positive zone.
-Try to fix whatever problems she might discuss(other residents/etc).
-Make sure she gets attention, and doesn't get bed sores (inflatable rolling bed).
-Give her dignity above all else.

Your mother may not know you're there, but God does.
I fear this situation with my mother, soon.

Carter

My Dad recently turned 81 and he is rapidly losing his awareness and self sufficiency. He has lived with type 2 diabetes for over 15 years and now dementia is making serious in roads. My Mom who is 79 had some real health issues years ago that I thought she would not survive. Now she has rebounded and is doing her best with my Dad. They still live in their old home in Santa Barbara but IMO they need additional help. I am an only child and live ~ 4 hours away. I have setup a PT elderly in-home care service which they initially thought would be great but have since refused.

It is very hard to manage this from a distance. My parents are very stubborn and proud people. They are/were a great inspiration to me and to see them go down this road is very hard.

Thanks everyone for posting here. In some way your posts give me strength to face this situation knowing it is not unique.

This worked for us too.
Mother in law going on 7 years with Alzheimer's.
The music did not trigger memories but it does provide us a conversation of sorts.

I enjoy singing a familiar song with her and she just joins in.
It was refreshing to see her knowing the next word or notes with perfect timing.

I think it makes her and I both feel better as our conversation is now sharing a familier song.
At anytime I can sing a few bars of a Sinatra song and she chimes right in.

She thinks I'm her neighbor and and no long realizes I'm her son in law.