When your parent becomes a stranger

[flatbutt]

My Mom will be 92 next month. She's been in assisted living for nearly two years now because she just can't be left alone. I have made peace with her eventually forgetting who I am and indeed that has begun to happen.

But I was not prepared for what I realized today as I sat trying to converse with her. She is becoming a stranger to me. We can't have a conversation about anything as her mind simply has no focus and her memory is really in tatters.

I don't know how to relate to the person she is becoming. I tell her about my life, her grandchildren and their children but none of it ,at least very little of it seems to make sense to her.

I'll not stop visiting her or telling her what the family is up to but dang this is hard to watch.

[speeder]

Sorry to hear of this. Dementia is a cruel disease that takes loved ones away while they're still on earth. We went through it with my grandmother, she was gone for years before she passed away @ 95 years old.

Just keep being the good son that you are, I guess and treasure these good years we're still having.

[NY65912]

I feel for you. We went through it with my grandmother. Not being able to connect is very hard.

My dad is 90 and in good health but he has become bitter. I find it very hard to have a conversation with him, as it always winds up with him saying something hurtful.

Good Luck

[widgeon13]

Welcome to the club, my mother is 101 and been in a care facility for 10 years. Very difficult. I feel for you.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Sorry, I know it sucks. Just went through it with my grandmother who recently passed, in the end her death was a blessing due to dementia and failing health. Stay tough.

[Seahawk]

I admire your courage.

[azasadny]

I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this. My prayers are with you...

[Hard-Deck]

I went through the same with my mom. Pm me your number if you'd like to talk about it brother.

[SilberUrS6]

Originally Posted by flatbutt

My Mom will be 92 next month. She's been in assisted living for nearly two years now because she just can't be left alone. I have made peace with her eventually forgetting who I am and indeed that has begun to happen.

But I was not prepared for what I realized today as I sat trying to converse with her. She is becoming a stranger to me. We can't have a conversation about anything as her mind simply has no focus and her memory is really in tatters.

I don't know how to relate to the person she is becoming. I tell her about my life, her grandchildren and their children but none of it ,at least very little of it seems to make sense to her.

I'll not stop visiting her or telling her what the family is up to but dang this is hard to watch.

Yeah, it's a terrible thing. I hated every minute of it, but as a dutiful son, I did my best. At the end, it very much disturbed him to hear he had a son, since he didn't remember even being married. So, I was the nice guy that visited him every Sunday, and talked to him about football.

(The brain is an incredible thing. He retained so much detailed knowledge of football that we could talk for hours on the subject. Everything else was a total loss, but football was a real focus.)

[Baz]

That's got to be very difficult, Flatbutt.

Mom just turned 91 last week and is still living on her own...driving...managing the household....making her own decisions. But don't think I have not had many thoughts of what is to come...

I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing with us this very personal component of your life.

[techweenie]

Very hard on you, but oddly, not as hard on her. One of the things Alzheimers does is remove the knowledge that you are deteriorating and any associated emotion. So your grandmother is in a mental haze, but likely not feeling the pain her loved ones are.

[MadameButterfly]

Sad, and of course you'll still visit her.

Just a thought: I have read compelling articles over the last few years about the power of music to reach beyond the haze - playing familiar tunes from a person's youth. I don't think it necessarily connected the dots between the parent and child, but if your Mom responds to it, it might be comforting to see a smile.

Thyra (Trekkor's Wife)

[unclebilly]

My grandma is 99. I am her power of attorney, decision maker, etc.

She has been in assisted living and now in a nursing home for the past few years. Grandma has good days and bad days. Her latest thing is telling us about a 'big ugly man that came to visit her the other day and told her that he was taking her horses to feed to foxes'. She hasn't had horses since the 50's... Luckily she still knows my brother and me and has a pretty good memory about things.

If you have old family photos, bring a selection of these every time you go to visit. Her mind is likely living 30 - 40 years in the past. The old pictures will help break the ice and she will be able to tell you all about the people in them. I also travel quite a bit with work so i always mail grandma a postcard or 2 from where ever I go. The nurses at he home said she really enjoys getting these.

[Mark Howard]

My 84 year old Dad has had Alzheimer's for going on 10 years now. Always been pleasantly confused. Healthy as a horse, no memory. Pretty much stopped talking around Christmas last year. Had to put in him in nursing home in January due to my mom not being able to take care of him any longer. Since then, he's become belligerent, combative, and down right mean. The nursing home calls me daily with the "problem du jour". They have had to sedate him a couple times and now have him on antipsychotic drugs, 3 of them, one being Haldol. Powerful stuff. He doesn't remember any of us kids anymore. Difficult to watch him go downhill like this, painfully slow, eating him away. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've always been the "fixer" in my family, as my mom and siblings turn to me to handle just about everything. I can't fix this. Just sux.

[NeedSpace]

I feel bad for you man. Sorry to hear it.

It is incredible the variability of dementia. My wife's grandmother died at 103 and still sharp; she even remembered my name and I only had met her once 3 years prior.

My grandfathers, both, had dementia. One was confused and thought we all lived upstairs in his rest home. He became very sad with his dementia. My other grandfather, forgot just about everything, including his kids names. He even forgot how to turn off lights using the switches, so he used to unscrew the lightbulbs. His dementia caused him to just be happy...he used to sing these songs from the 40s a lot after his stroke. Quite the contrary to the other grandfather.

I think Dementia usually takes memories from the present backward, so the earlier the memory, the more likely they will remember it. In fact, you could learn some new stuff about them if you can get them talking about something old, I have heard that the loss of the future can sometimes open up some older memories. Unfortunately, it could be that the memories lost includes you. Sorry, you are a good man.

[jcommin]

Flat, I have been thru this. My heart goes out to you. You lose a loved one twice: first they don't know/forget who you are and again when they die. I had a very hard time making peace with myself after my mom died. I didn't get the closure I would have liked as I did when my dad died. This takes an emotional toll on you. My mom was in a nursing home for 4 years it broke my heart to see my mom go from a healthy, strong mom to a frail person robbed of her mental faculties. It was a brutal experience.

I hope you have family and friends for support. Stay strong!

[herr_oberst]

This is so painful...and I am so sorry you are going through this. We just lost dad in October after a long illness, and many or most of the symptoms described in this thread applied to him.

Even though he didn't know who I was, I would watch him staring at me and I knew that deep down he understood the bond. You could see the wheels turning, he was trying so hard to remember even though the signals weren't getting through...

He did seem to enjoy holding my hand though. No words, no nothing, just human touch...

Good luck, f.b. and stay strong.

[Hodgey]

...only he's in England!!!

The only good thing is that in their world, nothing has changed. They do not suffer for they know not anything different.

As a lighter moment, my mum called me several years ago in tears as my Father was really succumbing to Alzheimer's Dimentia, and I said to her; "Mum, look on the bright side, you'll only ever need to buy one Christmas and Birthday card again, don't put the year on and give him it next year!! "

It made her smile and so me happy

It is cruel, but only for those it doesn't affect.

[oldE]

Originally Posted by NeedSpace

...he used to sing these songs from the 40s a lot after his stroke. Quite the contrary to the other grandfather.

Flatbutt,

Sorry to hear of your struggles. The loss of a parent or other family member in this was is so hard. We understand death, but the loss of the mind in an otherwise seemingly healthy body is worse in some ways.

It may or may not help you maintain a feeling of connection, but was your mother at all musical? You might try bringing in a player with old songs or hymns to see if they trigger memories.

I know of a couple of cases of folks who can't remember their families, but remember the words and melodies of songs of their generation.

Prayers
Les

[flatbutt]

Thank you all for the kind responses and suggestions. I will definitely try some music. One of her nurses said something encouraging yesterday.

He told me that even though her memory is shattered she still has some grasp of the moment. So my visits, though forgotten, may often provide her with a more pleasant "now". The "living in the moment" perspective.

Thanks for sharing gang.