PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?
 

Long story short:

GF and I have been together for over 6 years. For the most part, a perfect relationship. We rarely argue, have never fought.

I am not interested in marriage, but I do want to be in a relationship with her. I do not want kids, she does.

She just sprung on me a discussion tonight that she doesn't know where we're headed in the future. Seems she's got her mind made up that the best option is to go our different ways for our individual happiness. Neither of us want to split, but our long term goals are very different.

I'm not comfortable giving a commitment on having children in the future at this point in my life. She doesn't want kids now, but does want to be working toward them.


Did any of you husbands and fathers NOT want to get married or have kids before you did? What were the circumstances and how has life been since?

Serious question. How old are you?

When I was in my 20's no way, no how, no kids.
In my 30's it was maybe when my finances and debt are under control.
After being divorced and entering my 40's I considered it an option but first I had to meet someone!
It happened and we have a 6 year old son together and I wouldn't trade this life for any of the other periods in my life. I feel fortunate and blessed.

age.


big answer to your question.


A buddy of mine had a "mistake" kid at 51. He'll be 70 when she graduates highschool.



it's called life planning, or not.


YMMV



I chose no kids, but no one to take care of me later in life.

but, for now, man toys run plenty.

Kids aren't for everyone and honestly if you are 100% sure don't do it. The world does not need any more f'd up kids.

Now having said that I must admit the idea of having kids scared the crap out of me. Could not see myself taking care of and raising children.

My girl is 14 and the boy is 11.

Had I known how cool having kids would be I would have done it 10 years sooner so I could still enjoy the grandkids when they eventually come along.

I hope this doesn't discredit me, but we are both in our mid-20s.

Neither could fathom having children at this point in life. That's not an issue.

From my experiences around them, I genuinely don't like kids. Even in grade school I spent more time talking to adults and older students than my peers.

My honest answer to her was that I cannot give a commitment either way about where I will stand on this matter in 5 years. Unfortunately, that would mean prolonging a relationship that isn't going to fulfill one of our goals for another five years.

Being a good father is the hardest thing you will ever do, the scariest thing you ever do, and the best thing you will ever do. And you will make mistakes.

But only you will know if you're up for it.

My $0.02..........What's stopping you? Are you scared of being a dad? If that's it, welcome to the club. I've been a dad for 18 years next month and it still scares me.
If you scared of screwing up what you have with the GF, maybe it's not for you.........
(Completely non-judgmental BTW......just my thoughts)

Doesn't apply to your own.

Nope, this is a decent age to have a conversation about this. She's in the middle of her best child bearing years - after 30 or 35 the risks start getting higher.

It's fine if you're not sure and it's fine to be honest about it. Do you have specific reasons you don't want to do it? What have you done to explore the idea? I only ask the exploration question because if you aren't against it but you don't know spending some time with some kids can help. Do some volunteer work or something so you can work with some kids and see what that is like.

It'd be a shame to realize in 5 years when she's gone and found someone else that she's the one that got away. Especially if you dig her.

I waited until I was about 30 to start having kids and if I had known how much fun AND how much work - I would have done it sooner so I could have the fun and the energy to keep up.

Still - there is nothing wrong with ultimately saying 'no' if the answer really is 'no.'

Mongoose,

I am two weeks shy of 27, so I feel that I can offer some insight.

Two years ago the was no way I could ever want kids. I had finally warmed up to the idea of getting married, but hadn't found the right girl.

In this past year I have come to the conclusion that I'll definitely be getting married and having kids. I won't put a timeline on it since I haven't found the right girl, but I would love to have the opportunity.

I was in a 7 year relationship with a girl I cared very much for but ultimately she had the same chat with me that your chica had with you. I couldn't do it at the time because mentally I just wasn't for it, but with a little bit more time you will be amazed at how much your view will change on the matter. With that being said don't hold her back. I was stupid. We stayed together for probably four years too long solely out of comfort. I regret that not only because I wasted my time, but also I held her back from what she really wanted.

PS at 18 I was vehemently against the idea. No way, no how. Boy do times change.

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Hello, earth to mikester? The man said "genuinely".
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I don't like them either.
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The job of parenting is to model...not to teach, but to model. To model healthy, wholesome, human functionality.
If you're not up to that, forget about having children. As said above, too many f'd up children already.
I matured in my 50's and too late to model healthy, wholesome, human functionality to a child - my assessment...but not too late for marriage (giving her financial security).
If you don't want children, follow that!
I don't envy your predicament - being with someone you love and yet on the edge. A set-up for heartbreak...if there ever was one.
Good luck!
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PS My position. If you want children, pay for their education your own damn self...don't tax my property for your orgasms.

Not at all, we've all been there. No one knows your deal better than you so go with your gut. Cliche but there are so many options, literally millions of them, no reason to lock down now.

Good luck

I have had several male friends who were totally against getting married and having kids. And to tell you honestly, I agreed wholeheartedly. They were definitely not the guys you would want to get married to or father any children. Then all of a sudden, their thirties came around. One got married (a shock to all of us) and now has three kids and loves it.

My other friend is desperately trying to find THE woman to have children with. Doesn't necessarily want to marry but says he definitely wants to have kids. He said he changed his mind in his late thirties. I think he found both the wife and mother of his children with his current girlfriend and I have never seen him happier.

Point is, time can change your mind. Either you aren't ready or she isn't the one. You might get along quite dandy now but like BRPorsche said, not fair to string her along. Let her find happiness. There are a lot of men and women who don't want to get married and have kids. You need to find somebody who matches up with you. Love is about timing and attraction, not just one or the other.

I didn't want kids or a wife in my mid twenties. That's a totally normal feeling to have and probably a healthy one.

I didn't get married until 35 and had my kid at 37. The biggest change is really in how we have fun. For example happy hours are gone, but its happy hour every night when I walk through the door and my kid is turning himself inside out because he is so happy I'm home. That's far more fun then getting bargain beers and wings on the way home.

Thanks everyone for the words.

I've found the typical parenthood chores very unappealing. Kids' parties, driving to and from events/school, paying for everything, etc...

This is probably a huge point, but my dad was a dick most of my life until I came of age that I started to say things like "ya know, you were right". We get along really well now, but I was always taught by him that wives and children require significant resources that could otherwise be put to things you wanted. I think that's where a lot of my mentality comes from.

Looking back on it now, it's a pretty ****ty thing to teach your child.

I worry like just about everyone else- will there be enough money? What of mine will I have to sacrifice to make it work? What will I lose that I don't want to? What am I going to miss out on by having to tend to kids?

Scary thoughts, especially for a young man who is free to do whatever he wants whenever the mood strikes.

The sacrifice depends on a lot of things, does your wife work after the kid? If she works can you afford a nanny or day care? Do you have square footage where you live? Square footage is actually HUGE. Don't under estimate it. Baby accessories like car seats and strollers add up to thousands...

I don't feel like i have missed a single thing since I got married and had kids.

You ever see those pithy comedy movies about 30 somethings having babies and having to change everything about their lives?

I cringe in those movies. Car seats. Strollers. Baby classes. Diaper bags. Outfits.

When this subject first came up in high school I was one of the few boys who said yes I'd like kids. But I'm probably the only kid in the class who didn't have children.

It just didn't work out that way. I'd rather have kids but I'm too old now.

I guess I'll be the old git in the retirement home who never ever had a visitor.

You're in your "mid twenties"? You're a pup!
Pray for wisdom, young man...is all I have to say.
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I had a few marriage proposals in my 20's and 30's...and even in my 40's.
"I'd be willing for you to sire my child."...was one in my 40's. And with no obligation. I couldn't do it - my heart would have compelled me to be a father to the child and I knew I was not ready and willing for that. Thank God! I followed whatever voice there was within me.
As I said earlier, I was immature (undeveloped) until my 50's.
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Man!...ever considered counselling - alone...w/o her?
You sound like a candidate for someone to give you validation for your position in life...at this time.
And then, what do you do with your heart?
Maturation, here he comes! The good and bad news in one life-changing event.
Good Luck!
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PS Just read your most recent post. >Don't have children right now!<

Not sure how this was construed. I'm certainly not looking for validation in life. If that were the case, I'd probably be more open to the idea of children.

Again, the discussion on the table isn't about kids right now. It's about kids. Ever. Period.

She wants them before she turns 30.

I didn't mean re: your life. But for your present position in life.