PPOT Father/Husbands- Did you want to have get married/have kids?
 

Long story short:

GF and I have been together for over 6 years. For the most part, a perfect relationship. We rarely argue, have never fought.

I am not interested in marriage, but I do want to be in a relationship with her. I do not want kids, she does.

She just sprung on me a discussion tonight that she doesn't know where we're headed in the future. Seems she's got her mind made up that the best option is to go our different ways for our individual happiness. Neither of us want to split, but our long term goals are very different.

I'm not comfortable giving a commitment on having children in the future at this point in my life. She doesn't want kids now, but does want to be working toward them.


Did any of you husbands and fathers NOT want to get married or have kids before you did? What were the circumstances and how has life been since?

Serious question. How old are you?

When I was in my 20's no way, no how, no kids.
In my 30's it was maybe when my finances and debt are under control.
After being divorced and entering my 40's I considered it an option but first I had to meet someone!
It happened and we have a 6 year old son together and I wouldn't trade this life for any of the other periods in my life. I feel fortunate and blessed.

age.


big answer to your question.


A buddy of mine had a "mistake" kid at 51. He'll be 70 when she graduates highschool.



it's called life planning, or not.


YMMV



I chose no kids, but no one to take care of me later in life.

but, for now, man toys run plenty.

Kids aren't for everyone and honestly if you are 100% sure don't do it. The world does not need any more f'd up kids.

Now having said that I must admit the idea of having kids scared the crap out of me. Could not see myself taking care of and raising children.

My girl is 14 and the boy is 11.

Had I known how cool having kids would be I would have done it 10 years sooner so I could still enjoy the grandkids when they eventually come along.

I hope this doesn't discredit me, but we are both in our mid-20s.

Neither could fathom having children at this point in life. That's not an issue.

From my experiences around them, I genuinely don't like kids. Even in grade school I spent more time talking to adults and older students than my peers.

My honest answer to her was that I cannot give a commitment either way about where I will stand on this matter in 5 years. Unfortunately, that would mean prolonging a relationship that isn't going to fulfill one of our goals for another five years.

Being a good father is the hardest thing you will ever do, the scariest thing you ever do, and the best thing you will ever do. And you will make mistakes.

But only you will know if you're up for it.

My $0.02..........What's stopping you? Are you scared of being a dad? If that's it, welcome to the club. I've been a dad for 18 years next month and it still scares me.
If you scared of screwing up what you have with the GF, maybe it's not for you.........
(Completely non-judgmental BTW......just my thoughts)

Doesn't apply to your own.

Nope, this is a decent age to have a conversation about this. She's in the middle of her best child bearing years - after 30 or 35 the risks start getting higher.

It's fine if you're not sure and it's fine to be honest about it. Do you have specific reasons you don't want to do it? What have you done to explore the idea? I only ask the exploration question because if you aren't against it but you don't know spending some time with some kids can help. Do some volunteer work or something so you can work with some kids and see what that is like.

It'd be a shame to realize in 5 years when she's gone and found someone else that she's the one that got away. Especially if you dig her.

I waited until I was about 30 to start having kids and if I had known how much fun AND how much work - I would have done it sooner so I could have the fun and the energy to keep up.

Still - there is nothing wrong with ultimately saying 'no' if the answer really is 'no.'

Mongoose,

I am two weeks shy of 27, so I feel that I can offer some insight.

Two years ago the was no way I could ever want kids. I had finally warmed up to the idea of getting married, but hadn't found the right girl.

In this past year I have come to the conclusion that I'll definitely be getting married and having kids. I won't put a timeline on it since I haven't found the right girl, but I would love to have the opportunity.

I was in a 7 year relationship with a girl I cared very much for but ultimately she had the same chat with me that your chica had with you. I couldn't do it at the time because mentally I just wasn't for it, but with a little bit more time you will be amazed at how much your view will change on the matter. With that being said don't hold her back. I was stupid. We stayed together for probably four years too long solely out of comfort. I regret that not only because I wasted my time, but also I held her back from what she really wanted.

PS at 18 I was vehemently against the idea. No way, no how. Boy do times change.

.
.
Hello, earth to mikester? The man said "genuinely".
.
~~~~~~~~~~
.
I don't like them either.
.
The job of parenting is to model...not to teach, but to model. To model healthy, wholesome, human functionality.
If you're not up to that, forget about having children. As said above, too many f'd up children already.
I matured in my 50's and too late to model healthy, wholesome, human functionality to a child - my assessment...but not too late for marriage (giving her financial security).
If you don't want children, follow that!
I don't envy your predicament - being with someone you love and yet on the edge. A set-up for heartbreak...if there ever was one.
Good luck!
.
PS My position. If you want children, pay for their education your own damn self...don't tax my property for your orgasms.

Not at all, we've all been there. No one knows your deal better than you so go with your gut. Cliche but there are so many options, literally millions of them, no reason to lock down now.

Good luck

I have had several male friends who were totally against getting married and having kids. And to tell you honestly, I agreed wholeheartedly. They were definitely not the guys you would want to get married to or father any children. Then all of a sudden, their thirties came around. One got married (a shock to all of us) and now has three kids and loves it.

My other friend is desperately trying to find THE woman to have children with. Doesn't necessarily want to marry but says he definitely wants to have kids. He said he changed his mind in his late thirties. I think he found both the wife and mother of his children with his current girlfriend and I have never seen him happier.

Point is, time can change your mind. Either you aren't ready or she isn't the one. You might get along quite dandy now but like BRPorsche said, not fair to string her along. Let her find happiness. There are a lot of men and women who don't want to get married and have kids. You need to find somebody who matches up with you. Love is about timing and attraction, not just one or the other.

I didn't want kids or a wife in my mid twenties. That's a totally normal feeling to have and probably a healthy one.

I didn't get married until 35 and had my kid at 37. The biggest change is really in how we have fun. For example happy hours are gone, but its happy hour every night when I walk through the door and my kid is turning himself inside out because he is so happy I'm home. That's far more fun then getting bargain beers and wings on the way home.

Thanks everyone for the words.

I've found the typical parenthood chores very unappealing. Kids' parties, driving to and from events/school, paying for everything, etc...

This is probably a huge point, but my dad was a dick most of my life until I came of age that I started to say things like "ya know, you were right". We get along really well now, but I was always taught by him that wives and children require significant resources that could otherwise be put to things you wanted. I think that's where a lot of my mentality comes from.

Looking back on it now, it's a pretty ****ty thing to teach your child.

I worry like just about everyone else- will there be enough money? What of mine will I have to sacrifice to make it work? What will I lose that I don't want to? What am I going to miss out on by having to tend to kids?

Scary thoughts, especially for a young man who is free to do whatever he wants whenever the mood strikes.

The sacrifice depends on a lot of things, does your wife work after the kid? If she works can you afford a nanny or day care? Do you have square footage where you live? Square footage is actually HUGE. Don't under estimate it. Baby accessories like car seats and strollers add up to thousands...

I don't feel like i have missed a single thing since I got married and had kids.

You ever see those pithy comedy movies about 30 somethings having babies and having to change everything about their lives?

I cringe in those movies. Car seats. Strollers. Baby classes. Diaper bags. Outfits.

When this subject first came up in high school I was one of the few boys who said yes I'd like kids. But I'm probably the only kid in the class who didn't have children.

It just didn't work out that way. I'd rather have kids but I'm too old now.

I guess I'll be the old git in the retirement home who never ever had a visitor.

You're in your "mid twenties"? You're a pup!
Pray for wisdom, young man...is all I have to say.
.
I had a few marriage proposals in my 20's and 30's...and even in my 40's.
"I'd be willing for you to sire my child."...was one in my 40's. And with no obligation. I couldn't do it - my heart would have compelled me to be a father to the child and I knew I was not ready and willing for that. Thank God! I followed whatever voice there was within me.
As I said earlier, I was immature (undeveloped) until my 50's.
.
Man!...ever considered counselling - alone...w/o her?
You sound like a candidate for someone to give you validation for your position in life...at this time.
And then, what do you do with your heart?
Maturation, here he comes! The good and bad news in one life-changing event.
Good Luck!
.
PS Just read your most recent post. >Don't have children right now!<

Not sure how this was construed. I'm certainly not looking for validation in life. If that were the case, I'd probably be more open to the idea of children.

Again, the discussion on the table isn't about kids right now. It's about kids. Ever. Period.

She wants them before she turns 30.

I didn't mean re: your life. But for your present position in life.

I had thoughts like this before we decided to go for it and had our first. None of it really mattered anymore when he was born. Frankly the only major regret I have now that our third was just born is that we probably won't be up for a fourth--this last pregnancy was really hard (physically) on my wife.

For me, anyway, having kids is greater reward than the "freedom" I had in my youth.

I see.

Yes, that could probably be helpful.

On the other hand, it would probably do a terrific job of pointing out how narcissistic and selfish I am.

Dude! You're in your twenties...relax!
Your only issue, as I see it, is that you're in love with a woman who's putting you up against yourself. The relationship that you have with yourself right now...as you are in your life...right now. This is not a matter of self-judgment and evaluation.
That's the issue, as I see it.
Give yourself permission to want what you want - at this point in life.
However, if you don't want to part with her, then you have to decide what's next for you. And that means ..._____, fill in the blank.

I was th e opposite. I like the idea of marriage, kids, and family. Family is huge to me. of course I didn't wish I was marred with kids in my 20s. We wanted to enjoy ourselves traveling, goofing off and who knows what? My girlfriend then, didn't want anything to do with kids. Part of our plan was to be financially stable so when the family can enjoy ourselves. Finally, we got married in our mid 30 and kids came a few years later. Financially stability has a lot to do with the kid decision. It did for us, so we worked like hell for it.

Finances are a HUGE concern of mine on this topic. People always tell me "don't worry, you always find a way to make the money work when you have kids".

My problem is that many times that includes selling off your toys, hobbies, passions. I bought an vintage 911 because I wanted it. I don't want to have to sell it. Same goes for the bikes, guns, etc...

MongooseGA, when I was your age - and even twenty years older, I did not want the obligation. I really didn't see it as being selfish and/or narcissistic. I just didn't want the life change.
.
Does that explanation work for you?
.
Edit: And by doing what I did I was being responsible to myself. If I had done otherwise, I would have been irresponsible.
And I didn't want to involve another human in that irresponsibility.

No, you dad is correct. My father gave up so much for us. So damn much, I wish I can somehow pay him back but no amount will make up for that lost. Now, the grand kids, my boys, are so good to him. That smile from all of them when they used to roll around on the floor laughing really made my day.

Sacrifice what? How much of that freedom do you really want (ah... you old bastards, don't answer that). Remember the first year of college, drinking until you throw up all over yourself was fun. By the end of college, you could not get me near those damn punks. Been there done that, so the transition is a seamless one. having kids was the same for me. Hanging out just wasn't that importing anymore. Going home helping out with bathing that fat little guy was way more fun. Holding him in my arms while they fall asleep is amazing. I want more of those days and they go by just like that. At 6 and 8, I got them for a few more years.

Remember, you are in your 20s, so go and have fun and enjoy yourselves. Keep that kids in back of your mine, it just might change when all that fun becomes dull. Son't be that guy. You know the only old dude with balding long hair screaming in the bar with a bunch young guy 15-20 years younger. You know where are the guys his age is doing? Changing diapers or helping with homework.

I would give this til you're at least in your early 30s and re-assess. They say women have an inner clock, but I do think men do as well. Right now you have plenty of buddies that are "free" too that you can hang out with and everyone is about enjoying themselves individually. That will change in the next few years as most people will start a family.

What will also change is your income. Generally it goes up with age, meaning you get to keep your toys and still have money to raise a family. That's of course if the GF is tolerant and doesn't start pushing you away from your toys and hobbies. Also, this does assume that you don't expect to continually extend your toy collection proportional to your income.

As far as being able to stand kids - it is a bit like farts - other people's always stink much worse than your own. :) There is a strong instinct to love your kids - it is the most amazing thing to the parents - not so much to bystanders.

I can count the number of kids birthdays on one hand that I have been to in my life. Even my own kids birthday parties, those when they have their friends over, I don't attend most the time. I go seek the woods or some other thing I enjoy away from home. Nothing is worse than hanging out with a bunch of parents you have never met before in your life and do small talk around a horde of screaming kids.

Of course you don't want your GF be there in her mid 30s holding the bag, but it probably will take a few years for her to find a new guy that she's comfortable with raising a family, even if she breaks up with you now, so she can give you a few years to grow up and re-evaluate. I would definitely hold on to her if she's willing to risk it. It is not easy at all to find a good girl, IMHO.

G

By reading that, I think you are going to do fine. Lots of people just want to have kids and be alright. Well, you are correct, no it isn't gonna to be "alright". it takes work and discipline to save and make the right decisions. Your thinking about your finances means you have a good head on your shoulders. You don't have to sell the 911, if you do, it will be worth big money, so that means doing something good for your family. it takes a real man to do that. My doctor always said this to me, a real man is not only there to protect his family, but he's there to provide and that's much more difficult to do then to protect.

Amen!
And when you do...and you're ready...

;)

It took me a while to start liking other people's kids. I still don't dig all of them and am pretty picky.

Either you're kid's got to be really freaking fun or you do and if you got a screamer...well, get a sitter. Mine are crazy and when you invite me to your house for a party - I'm pretty likely to get a sitter if it is late in the day.

Mine.

Are.

Insane.

Money will be an issue no matter how much you have. I make good money and live in a decent neighborhood, I have struggled. I have sold Porsches not because I had to but because I wasn't spending the time with it. When it was time to get another one though my wife didn't even question it. I spend way too much money on RC airplanes and cars. I spend too much money on sports stuff but all of that gets used with my boys so...yeah - I get to do that. I coach them in baseball, soccer, hockey and I lead their Cub Scout dens. I meet a lot of kids - mine aren't bad. :)

If you're going to do it, do it with the right girl.

:)

There's a remedy for that. Find a good woman who is willing to make an agreement with you that no matter who goes first the other will be there.
When you're lying on your death bed, scared down to your shadow with the heebie jeebies, spittin' out your blood, you'll have someone to hold your hand.
Can't imagine anything worse in this life than to die alone...and it needn't be that way.

Don, you're too much! :)
next time you're planning a trip to ca let me know. you've got my info.

Will do.

I'll be thirty-five in a couple of months. I met my wife in my mid-twenties. We dated for a couple of years and got married. She always wanted kids, and I made it clear from the outset that I didn't. After we were married a couple of years, and we were both staring hard at 30 she started to get antsy. I mean full-on psycho hose-beast about it. We have never argued and fought much, but we had the only fight during which I left the house over this. It was THAT bad for a few months. I thought about it for a good long while, and I decided that I loved my wife very much. I wanted to have a life-long relationship with her. I knew that this was a serious thing for her, and if I wanted to have that with her I had to figure this out. I decided that if this was something that was that important to her, then it was something that I was willing to try.

Granted, the thing about kids is that you can't just change your mind after a couple of years. All I can do, is tell you my experience. My two girls are now five and two. It's not perfect, and there are times where I have pulled my hair out and wondered why I ever agreed to not one, but TWO kids. As they have gotten older, it gets better and better. I can't actually put into words what they mean to me. I can't really explain to you the meaning and purpose it gives all the major decision in my life. It is an awesome responsibility, but by the same turn it has truly epic and awesome rewards. There is no better feeling in the world than when my little girl looks up at me and I wraps their little arms around me and says "I'm never going to let go, I love you daddy." At this point in my life, I feel like THAT is the measure of a man. How does he treat his family? Do his wife and kids adore him? That's how I know I'm doing it right.

You might as well say good bye now. Women don't kid around when it comes to children.

Marriage was a good idea, regular putting in the one hole golf course till the jelly beans ran out. Kids was a natural progression I suppose. Although I don't remember it, she must of rolled in the wet spot after I had a bat one night. Then she did it to me again a second time.

That's when I started sleeping with one eye open.






Seriously though, wouldn't have missed it for quids. Kids are challenging but also 5hitloads of fun. Decided to let the missus hang around for last 29 years, but I still sleep with one eye open.

Know a couple who will flat out say 'we goofed in having kids. isn't for us.' So it can happen. Not everyone has kids and says 'oh I see what is so great about it!'.


I was indifferent about kids. figured I was supposed to do it but wasn't planning it.

Then I held my boy for the first time. Most profound experience I have ever had and that includes laying in the ER feeling my heart stop twice.

Last night my son had a soccer game and it was a heck of a close game. So damn exciting.

Couple days ago I'm asking my 4yr old daughter to get buckled and she says 'daddy I can't find the buckle for crap sake!'

I know it's common to refer to kids as a sacrifice but I am getting back WAAAAY more than I will ever give up.

Could never see myself having children.....now I can't imagine life without them.