Of course every person, every family is different, such as my wife's parents got into a retirement home in their 70's while they were both still healthy and later moved to assisted living where they spent the rest of their days, very little problem to their children.

My parents on the other hand fought us tooth and nail every inch of the way, when my dad entered his 80's he started falling down a lot... we were seeing a lot of dings and scrapes on his car but he would nor give up the car key no matter how much we demanded and argued with him... we also argued with him about using ladders and doing chores around the house but he would not be detoured.

Back to the question at hand... we worked the caregivers in gradually... a couple hours a day a couple days a week... it took over a year to get someone in there seven days a week for half a day... even at that mom sometime will send the caregiver home early.

I know this sounds terrible and deceptive but to get caregivers in the house we took dad aside and said "dad, mom needs help, can we bring in a caregiver?" and pulled mom aside and said "mom, dad needs help can we bring in a caregiver."

I know a lot of you are "just talk to them logically" but not all families operate on logic... especially when the parents are advanced in years and may have started to deteriorate mentally.

I do a small bit of volunteer work at a care facility.
Just an outside visitor with strangers. And not a Pro.

The very best of Pros I've seen worn down by the simplest and smallest situations.
Standing too close to the fire for too long.
The Pros have their own problems in life and their own needs.
Help them and they will help you.


There are different ways to deal with different situations:
1). "NO NO NO NO. I DONT WANT THAT. NO!!!!"
a). Arguing and logic returns zero results everytime. Don't even try. Don't fight them. Your own frustration at not getting results will only make it worse. The walls build up and then everyone loses. You need to connect and get them talking about their concerns and fears. Ask questions. Change up the game.
b). This is a basic fight for human respect, but childishly tantrums manifest in any type of daily scenario and at any time.
c). This is basic resistance to change combined with the complete loss of self control and self determination. Especially in a new environment. You would feel the same way.

I've seen "the inner beast" calmed with tasks/games to stimulate and distract along with buckets full of personal attention and love. Even when 'completely gone' they still understand there is a new game afoot in life and they still have a chair waiting for them at the table. The negative resistance is replaced with smiles and wanting to join in.

2). Looping delusions..
a). One person wanted/needed a lot of attention saying "Miss? Miss? Miss?" 24/7.
b). One person thought there was a small child constantly calling them for help on the invisible telephone.
c). One person liked to announce stories of what food they liked, how nice their spouse was, and what he/she would do in a situation.
d). One person would ask "Where am I, how many children do I have, what are their ages, do they come see me, how old am I, where am I?"
This would loop again and again and again and again. I was completely exhausted after only five minutes of it. Realistically, I couldn't deal with that as a career 40-60 hours a week.

Answer their basic questions as best and honestly as possible. Keep it simple. If their spouse has been long-dead tell them "they are not here right now" or some simple answer that works. I've tried to "go with the flow" and resorted to small-lies a couple of times but then got the looks from staff.
Comment on how nice they look today. And did they get their hair done recently? Did they read a nice book recently? What is new with their lives? What would they like later for dinner?
Get them out of the loop if possible.

If they need to rest, let them rest.
You should take a rest as well.

3). Logistic problems
a). Safe proof the house: Take knobs off stoves and put gates on stairwells. Falls are often fatal.
b). Med-Alert or other call systems.
c). Easy micro meals.
d). Other.


(To note:
Everything posted above is my limited wisdom with strangers.

As a confession I didn't know how to deal with my own father's demise properly.
I'm still learning.

A child vs. parent role-reversal scenario is an entirely different ball game.
There will be very old and established emotional walls existing.
They are significant.
These personal feelings must be completely shattered and rebuilt from scratch.

Let the pro do his/her job and bite your tongue for a while.
That is the best way to provide care to a parent.)

Bless you John. I found being in the care facility with my dad some of the hardest times of my life. I could not do it voluntarily. You're a good man.

Just to vent,
As I said mom is almost blind and over the course of an hour long lunch will repeat the same question/story two or three times... but she insists on doing her own meds (and these are not Flintstone vitamins we are talking about!) walk into the kitchen on any given day and there are pills rolling around on the floor (note to self, look up and go over mom's meds to make sure they are up to date).

Every Monday, come rain, shine, earthquake, or tsunami the caregiver drives mom down to the Acapulco restaurant on the waterfront where she has her $2 Margarita (Margarita Monday) and the taco/enchilada combo lunch.

My wife has the type of personality that she has to correct everyone/anyone... which obviously annoys my mom (and dad when he was around) "you are the kids... you DO NOT correct the adults!"
I would pull her aside and say "honey, they will not remember what you said an hour from now, why upset everyone by arguing with them?"

Hope you don't mind John but I cut and pasted your post in an email to my wife.

When she moved down (from Portland to Los Angeles) three years ago she got it in her head that she was going to be my parents caregivers (I and other members/friends of my family tried to talk her out of it) long story short it left a lot of hurt feelings in the wake... she now has a normal job. but there is still some healing that needs to be done.

To everyone dealing with parental care situations:
I suggest you seek out existing local support groups in your area. Or create one.

Emotions blind us from reality.

You are right, and your wife needs some education.
My mom was like your wife when dad was in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He would get obsessed about the bank taking his money. Mom would get to the point of yelling at him, "The bank is NOT trying to steal your money damnit!" Dad would call me and I'd say, "OK, let's go take care of this." I'd pick him up (they lived 10 minutes away) and he'd tell me all about them bastages at the bank and I'd get all riled up with him and tell him I had to stop at the hardware on the way and then we'd go take care of it. After half an hour at the hardware store, talking and looking at tools, he forgot all about the bank.

I would suggest calming their deepest fears.
Make parents feel secure.
Validated.
You might learn a new thing, or two things, or ten things, during the process. Who knows?
Never underestimate wisdom.

[parf]
Children these days are being trained to reject their parent's experiences.
Culturally, new generations are being trained to reject history......
I can't say say more without great fury.
'enough said.
[/parf]

Dad is 84, mom 75. Both very healthy. Bugs me though knowing that their time left here is relatively short.

Some great posts here - thanks all. I am learning a lot as well as understanding we are all in this together.

I have a question....as I said earlier Mom turns 92 this month and still drives. How does one determine when she needs to put down the car keys, short of an accident? Assuming she is legally allowed to continue (I do need to research this).

No need... dad is gone... wife has a job and only sees mom for lunch a few times a month... on that level of interaction she can hold her tongue.

Teach my wife... that's a good one! You, sir do not know my wife... she means well and has a heart of gold but she has the "Mom" gene going on big time and can't resist "helping" people.

Sad thing is my mom has forgotten all the fighting and now wants to be friends but my wife is still nursing a grudge.

Is it possible to tag alone on one of her visits to the doctor and ask? That is where we got with dad... problem is there are some doctor/patient privacy issues you will have to dance around (why you can't just pick up the phone and ask the doctor about her condition) at least that is how it is in Cali.

Mom and dad are (were) on Kaiser and even thou they were there weekly for this and that they only saw the doctors for a few minutes and it never occurred to the doctors that dad was driving them there or to test him for dementia.

Many years ago I volunteered at large complete care facility for old people. I would come once a week and discuss current events and other things with them, Usually there would be 25 to 30 of them, and they really looked forward to me coming. I found out the thing they liked best was for me to read poetry to them and discuss it. They used to say funny things. One time one of the little old ladies in the front row kept smiling. I asked her what she was thinking of that made her so happy. She said, "They used to like it when I wiggled," I told her I bet they did.

So tell me about long term care insurance? What should you buy? When (age) should you buy it?

My father did the same - he was a retired university prof & he would spend hours preparing. They loved it. After he died - suddenly - they invited us over to thank us. I did the speech thing & my mother actually heckled me. She was in the anger grief stage . . . :eek: it was certainly a rare moment.

Ian

Reading this reminds me of how lucky I am and have been, but we have been through some stuff.

Dad, at age 84 had an accident with the tractor. He fell off and the vehicle ran over him, breaking his pelvis. Since the bathroom in the family home was on the second floor, there was a mad dash to get an en-suite into their bedroom on the ground floor. The next spring, having recovered he bought the smallest power saw he could find and started cutting bushes on the hill across the road from the house. He lived another ten years, passing after a stroke while in the hospital for some tests. Surrendered his drivers license at age 91 after a fender bender he knew was his fault.

Mom lived for another two years, remaining active until six months before the end. Two of my sisters basically 'dropped everything' and moved into the house to care for her. Amazing women.

My wife's father developed mobility and respiratory issues at age 90. Some may recall a thread I started when my wife performed CPR on him 18 months ago. He went into hospital and passed the next week. We started modifications to the old farmhouse (widening doors, wheelchair accessible bathroom, wheelchair ramp, etc.) but he never made it home to see the changes.

My Mother in law has been the beneficiary of the mods, as she was soon using a walker to get around as she was waiting for her second knee joint replacement. My FIL's elder sister (a spry 94 at this point) moved in with the MIL and they get along great. The house is not much more than a 1/4 mile away, so we can keep an eye on them, between my wife and I and her brother. A local lady comes in to clean once/week.
So far so good. However, I'm in my 60s and I can see this all going around again (with us) in another couple of decades.
Stay tuned.
Les

Long story short, when my folks were in a car accident several years ago, my step-dad suffered a subdural hematoma and i accompanied him to the doctor for a checkup a few days after the accident but before it had been diagnosed. At that time, I asked the doctor to recommend my step-dad stay home and not try to visit my Mom every day (she was in a nursing home with a neck brace recovering from the accident). The friggin' doctor acted like he couldn't do anything to help me. So no, I won't be going to any doctors for help. BTDT....

There are other methods/avenues/options....but thanks for the reply, Scott.

Great thread and good to hear some of the stories of your parents.

Thanks Baz and Scott for your advice. I am not above deception to try to make their lives and mine a little bit easier.

I have two siblings that live 3000 km away from the parental units and they don't see the day to day of dealing with the little things. I will need to see if they are willing to contribute as I won't be able to afford to provide care for them on my own.

When they get to the point where they keep repeating the same story each time you see them, it's really time to get out a recorder and just leave it out on the table because once they're gone this might be the thing you miss the most.

My grandma used to tell the same stories about growing up shoeless on a farm in the 1920s and 30s. This is what I recorded and in a way, it helps keep her memory a bit more alive.

Good luck with that. Siblings + Money = Trouble. When my wife's parents sold their house 7 years ago (and moved in with my wife's sister as above) they divided the lion's share of their cash 3 ways for the 3 children. When we started shopping for a nursing home for them this fall, we came up with a financial plan that would have required payback. My wife & I were more than willing to give it all back but her brother & sister went absolutely ballistic. And it was their parent's money to begin with! I was & still am totally disgusted with them. I refuse to socialize with them ever again.

Ian