Not often that I quote Tabs, but he's right. This is very much a first world problems thread. NOTHING that you posted is all that bad in the grand scheme of things. I was unemployed with THREE kids and a wife, in a town that was decimated by aerospace layoffs. Since 2008 Wichita has lost almost 30,000 aerospace jobs, pretty significant in a city of 600,000. I looked local and nada, I looked nationally and didn't find anything worth moving for. Ultimately I started by own business to slow the bleeding, cut our expenditures, and found a job after 8 months. Life goes on with no lasting ramifications. I think you are running from something much deeper.

Some practical, albeit small, things to do if you find yourself in the NE for another winter.
- Ridiculous amounts of daylight spectrum lighting, everywhere. I had SAD here in the PacNW, put 600 watts of daylight spectrum CFL above my work desk (equivalent to like 2400 watts of incandescent), put the biggest wattage daylight spectrum CFL or incandescent bulbs available in every socket at home, ignored wife's complaints about the "harsh" lighting, told the kids "remember how daddy always nagged you to turn off the lights? that's over, I want every damn light in this house left ON" . Made a significant difference.
- Spend more time outdoors. I rode my bike to work every day, rain or shine. Even overcast light is helpful for SAD.
- Exercised a lot. Also seemed to help.
- Go somewhere. Don't take time off in the summer, take it all in the winter, go to Mexico or Spain or skiing or etc. Somewhere with lots of sun and ideally warm too.

As for the bigger question, seems to me there are a few dilemmas going on. (1) Where to live. (2) What to do for a living. (3) How to be happy and positive in so-so situations, instead of sad and negative. Third obviously being the elephant in the room. You've lived in a lot of different places and done various things, your life so far has been more diverse than many, and if you haven't felt happy satisfied and content anywhere, then the next move isn't going to do it.

I just want to add that a lot of what Porsche-O-Phile has written could just as easily be written by me. It's led to one major mental breakdown 13 years ago, and then out of nowhere again 6 months ago.

Therapy is good, and as stated, the first one you try may not be the right one.

I've become more open about this in the recent past, unlike how I handled it 13 years ago. This is because some of my actual problem was feeling ashamed to have the feelings/emotions that I have. Your mind is capable of great things, and terrible things unto itself.

I've come to learn that applying logic to feelings is not workable. I've come to learn that the causes of anxiety/depression are multivariate, and that's why a good therapist can help. The truth about therapists is different than I would have imagined. I imagined getting hypnotized, or having them teach you special coping mechanisms, and how to feel better. Instead, you just talk a lot. They just kind of steer the discussion. A lot of days I feel like I wasted an hour. And some of the time, I might. But over time, they help you to more accurately analyze your feelings, your motivations. I'm learning a lot lately. And I had been feeling pretty good for a couple of months, and just this past week had a real backwards step. But I think that I will get back from it more quickly because I've learned how to analyze myself better.

Motion is the kind of guy I need to become, and it is easier said than done. I need to spend more time thinking about everything that is right, which is a TON. I have a friend at work who is my idol- someone will give him **** at a meeting, and afterwards he will be like "Can you believe that guy? What a dick! Lets get lunch". And that's it- it just rolls off of him. I have a lot to work on.


Porsche-O-Phile, if you ever want to talk specifics about therapy or medications, PM me. Happy to maybe help someone else get to the other side more quickly than I did.

There is some truth to this- my brother bounced around between careers and cities all over the country in search of happiness and in the end I think he really needed to look within.

Indeed, and this is how I ended up in a bad place 6 months ago. There was NOTHING in the grand scheme of things that was bad. Still isn't. Secure, well paying job. Stable, rock-solid marriage with wife who is as hot as the day we met 17 years ago and is an awesome mom to our 2 healthy and intelligent kiddos (also happens to have an awesome job and makes good money). Good savings account building up every year. And yet BOOM- I started having anxiety issues in January.

I kept telling myself "There is no real problem, what is wrong with you?" But that didn't work. I had to start seeing a therapist to get to the root of what is wrong, and I'm still delving into things. One thing I've learned is that it is ok to feel bad even though all the big things look good- the important thing is to really get at what is bothering you and once you understand that, then you can take steps to help yourself.

So u are one of those who made some major personality changes which equates to a life long journey down the road of self awareness. Your circle of light eg awareness is ever expanding. Some one long ago told me that I resolve conflicts, and that I was unique in that I was able to go so far. I put that down to having the will and determination. It is all a matter of what you want and how bad you want it. You know how when you look at the sky when your on the high desert or high sierras you can see all the stars in the Milky Way? That is what I see when I close my eyes, I instantaneously turn the thinking process off and go quiet. When I write it is virtually auto writing sentence by sentence and that is why you see idiosyncrasies in style. I virtually never know exactly where it is going to end up. that means that there is an almost direct connection to the subconscious. That is why my analytical processes are speeding up. Tis is all a descriptive metaphor for a state of being.

Jeff, Didn't you spend some time in Portland OR.?
I know they are famous for their rain and cloudy days but it seems to have the positive vibe you are looking for.

RE: Cali... I can't help it, I was born here... I guess if you are born in he11 you grow up not minding the heat.
But yeah, we have our problems...biggest problem being cost of living... yes SD and SF are nice but real estate is $$$$$... and you mentioned Hawaii (my dream retirement location)? Hawaii has a lot going for it but cost of living isn't one of them... it is also fairly exclusive... locals are not big fans of mainlanders. I have several friends that moved to the islands and moved back, sure if you have skills you can find a job but finding a group of friends is another thing.

For me moving to Portland or Boston would be great... but being a SoCal boy I would probably whiter from the cold... as I said Hawaii is my number one but the culture thing is hard to get past. I even had a close friend that was native Hawaiian, even when he lived in Long Beach and we hung out and played music together there was a strange vibe about him I could never put my finger on.

Once upon a time I looked into Oz and Australia... I got the sense that they are not big fans of immigration... same with some European countries, my nephew married a German girl and went through heck trying to assimilate.

SD and SF are more expensive than most of LA. Median apartment rent in SF is about $4K (1 br).

Unless you're retired it comes down to a job, living cost, and quality of life. We've been trying to figure out if/when/where we would buy a house. Can't do it on the westside - priced out. Could buy in Altadena, but then I'd have an hour + commute in each direction. Quality of life negative. Central coast of CA - my dream location. But no job (unless I do another career change) there so doesn't matter what it costs. Looked at Vancouver as well but priced out there.

Gotta prioritize things and then just figure out how to make it work...

Yeah, I have zeroed in on central coast too but that is going to be retirement because jobs are few and far between.

Mind you I intend to work after retirement but I won't need a big income, I could do something with the tourist trade (sell tickets at the castle?)...

I think POP liked Portland (right?) but left for economic reasons. The local economy is pretty booming right now. Probably a good time to come here.

Oh, wanted to say, POP, that I commend you for being open and willing to talk about this.

What is the architect market like in Portlandia?
That is it Jeff, we decided for you! With a quick stop over at the burning man festival on your way out west!
Say... have you considered changing occupations? I hear ninja assassins get paid well... you get to travel... meet interesting people...

i'm more blown away that it is JUNE already...holy crap this year is flying by.

but back on topic..i was a little kid when either my dad or my uncle told me he could live anywhere as long as he had three things. a good job, good friends, and the love of a good woman. i have ZERO idea how this one thing stuck in my head the way it did. i bet it was just a joke back then..and i probably misinterpreted the thing..but it stuck...and i kinda adopted as my own.

it doesnt literally mean exactly that to everyone..just that anywhere can be a good place to live. sometimes i look around me and wonder how i ended up where i am.. financially this place is a money suck. but i love it just fine..i have those three things. anyone can choose different things to love..

i hope you find what you are looking for..i sweated balls today jogging..i'd love a cold front to come back and kill my fruit trees, just so i can cool the hell down. and rain!! we need rain. no place is perfect..trust me.

No fking joke. As thse are really the most important things in life in the end.

Thanks for all the feedback guys. There's a lot to think about here and I really appreciate it. The responses really are a good reminder of what I love about this forum: people here are generally quite smart, insightful, introspective and willing to lend a perspective or offer constructive suggestions. I appreciate the personal anecdotes too. I think maybe I'm scared about getting older and as I do, being less and less likely ("willing" I suppose is more correct) to move, shake things up and what-have-you to try and improve my station in life and my net happiness. I think I don't want to feel trapped - like I told a close friend the other day, "not all prisons have bars and many are of our own making". I sort of feel like I may have inadvertently built one for myself here and I'm wondering if I should "get out on parole" (implications of "for good behavior" not applicable :p ).

I did live in Portland for a year. Great vibe, good culture, great beer, nice people, good coffee. Could afford a nice house there. Decent schools, pretty scenery, fun flying (made me a damn good instrument pilot). Utterly horrid weather. I counted 50 straight days of gray and rain. I was nearly suicidal at the end. As a point of reference wasn't the biblical flood (Noah's ark) only 40 days? It rains a LOT. But at least it wasn't snow, just 40-45 degrees F and spitting rain. For 50 straight days. I loved it (when the sun was out) and would absolutely consider a summer / seasonal kind of place up there but I really don't think I could ever live there permanently. I need sunshine. A lot of it. And warmth. I'm seriously a different person in nice, warm, sunshiny weather and I'm much happier. I guess it sort of comes down to, "is it better to have a lousy job or no job in a sunny place or a good job in a rotten place"? Tough question. I've done both and in both instances I pointed to the opposite situation and said "the other one!" so I don't know if my perspective gets too slanted or what.

The "vacation in winter" suggestion is a great one and I've actually done it. I don't bother taking them in summer - everything is overcrowded and way more expensive. I try to do the opposite of what all the lemmings do as a general rule - usually works out pretty well. In summer I don't NEED vacations - my life is pretty great. When I lived in CA (12 years) I think I took two. I just didn't need them. I'd take an occasional 3-day or 4-day weekend and run to Avalon or Kings Canyon or the Channel Islands - stuff like that. My day-to-day life was generally enjoyable enough (when things were good, before the crash) that I just didn't need formal extended vacations. I always considered it wasting money, time, etc. My perspective has changed a bit on that now (older, kids, different living arrangements and crawling-out-of-my-skin for six months a year can do that). I find anytime I get out of New England I really like it and I rave about it for weeks afterwards. I went to Washington DC and VA a month ago and I can't get it out of my head. It was a blast and it got me out of here. And it was only DC fer cryin' out loud! My 2013 trip to St. Thomas / St. John was other-worldly and I still think of it daily (more so during the lousy winter months of course). The ONLY bad thing was having to get on the plane to come back here.

It's not all bad here - I just think I ought to live elsewhere and visit occasionally. That's my thought anyway. Just where?

I read some great advice somewhere a few mos. ago. "Live where you want to live and be married to whom you want to be married to. The rest will fall into place."

POP, if you really love sun, move to AZ or Vegas. Just do it, don't look back and just figure it out when you get here. Sure, try to have something lined up in advance. But just resolve to make it work, paint yourself into a corner, burn your ships and give yourself no way to go back.

I fully expected to lose the job I had at the time within a year of moving here. I was taking over a dormant and neglected territory in the big competitor's backyard. I knew it was going to be a huge struggle to turn the territory around. So, while I chipped away at that, I also sent a lot of resumes out and did a lot of networking. When I eventually did lose the job, it took me 30 days to find a better one. That job had served its purpose - it got me out to AZ with a paycheck and somewhat steady job and kept me employed long enough to buy a house and get established with my own network. Your skills are a lot more specialized than mine, so you'll probably be fine once you drill down on that networking community wherever you land.

Well said. I don't live in paradise, but life is good.

Btw Jeff, if you think moving is the key to happiness, I really agree with Rick about moving to AZ. It sounds like exactly what you are looking for. Nearly 365 days of sun, active outdoor lifestyle, reasonable cost of living when compared to CA or the NE, common sense leadership, and a strong economy that is growing. Within a short drive from Phoenix you can have the desert, beautiful mountains and skiing, or fantastic lakes. Also lots of Pelicans to help with the transition. Everything revolves around an active outdoor lifestyle. Parts of Phoenix really remind me of LA, minus the ocean. I came very close to moving there last summer, I loved the area.

i have this friend. she moved around a lot.

i met her in SF. she packed up and moved to Boston..then somewhere, and now..landed in Chicago. we kinda lost touch. honestly, i think she moved to find a population of nice date-able men.

she told me, no matter where she moved the one thing that was always there was herself. she couldnt escape herself. she went all ZEN on me and kinda found herself and liked herself..

now she's happy. so she says :D

AZ would kickass..i'd love it.

i'm planning a move as well..more local-ish. but i hate change,and it may as well me a transcontinental move for me. yuck..

moving blows.

It does, so you might as well move to where you really want to be. One of the best moments of my life was crossing the state line from VA into TN on I-81 on my way to AZ in my 993. If it hadn't been dark out, I'd have stopped for a photo.

This was 1.5 days later. It was a glorious day.

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