My dad is in hospice. He has been given 2 weeks.
 

So-
I received a call (that in some sense) I have been waiting on for over 23 years.

My father is going to die soon, and the doctors have given him 2 weeks.

This seems to be a common theme on ppot (in one way or another). The passing of the parents.

My father got remarried, and his new wife called with the news. The family dynamic is dysfunctional at best, and surprise, she and I have had our differences. That doesn't really matter now. She is planning the funeral now (as per her words)- "before she loses it and is worthless." I completely understand.

She said she had planned a simple funeral (as per my father's request) and asked if I wanted to say anything at it.

In truth, there is a lot I want to say, however, I don't know if I will be able to contribute much. I don't even know if I could keep myself together.

I post this now not wishing condolence or support. Like all ppot topics, I look for advice.

You are a smart bunch.

Did you all speak at your parent's funeral?

Sincerely,
Ron

I am so sorry to hear this. I know exactly how you feel. I lost my dad about 10 months ago. I held up ok at the funeral, because I had to take care of mom. He went back into the hospital, for two weeks and slowly slipped away. Go spend time with him. So sorry.

Jeff

Ron - Very sorry to hear this. I have no words, but:
Yes, spoke at my mothers funeral a year ago. She was 87 and passed from Alezheimers. Didn't know who I was the last few years. I kept my words short and told a few old stories, as did others.

Regarding Hospice, I work with them a lot in my part-time retirement job (today even). They are true heros in my book. A good hospice nurse can predict the end within a few hours. Be sure to thank them.

Best of luck.

Next Saturday will be the one year anniversary of my Mom's funeral. I originally had said I wouldn't speak because I didn't think I could keep it together. When all the other friends and family started taking their turns at speaking, I decided I had things to say. It went great except for choking up a little at the end.
Go for it!

So sorry to hear this, be strong.

I think speaking will help give you closure and also be comforting to others at the funeral.

You'll only get this one chance to speak. Don't regret it later. Do it..

I think it is cathartic to speak. Speak for you from you. Be honest but if required, as kind as possible. Let it flow as it is literally your public farewell to your father.

I didn't speak...nobody criticized me. It was obvious I couldn't...

My thoughts are with you and family. Hang in there.

Good evening Ron......

Thank you for posting this. I am very sorry to hear this news about your father.

I spoke at my maternal grandmother's service and had a hard time getting through it - but I have never regretted doing it - because I cared for her so much.

If you care for your father - and I know you do - you should put something down on paper and read it. It will not be easy - but if it were - it wouldn't mean so much.

I read the 21st Psalm - and plan to do the same when the time comes for my mother.

Take care and stay strong, my friend....

Almost a year ago I lost my Dad..
I didn't say anything.. Just couldn't and nobody thought any less of me.. I did thank everyone personally for attending the funeral.

super hard but if you have someone by your side is infinitely better..

Sorry for your Dad..

Hi Ron, sorry to hear about your father. My father was 52 when he passed and I was 21 at the time. No I did not say anything about my father in terms of a speech as the funeral service was very small.

Now my mother passed age 94 five years ago. Yes I stood up at the end of the church service and talked about my mother's life and achievements. Yes it was well worth it to do that. Probably about 50 people attending.

If you can find the courage to stand up and say some positive things about your dad it will help you and also remind the audience of what your dad has achieved.

Cheers, Guy

When my mom passed, my sister and I specifically asked the priest not to ask us to get up and say anything. I knew I wouldn't be able to, probably the same with my sister. He did anyway. He actually stared me down waiting for me to get up to speak. I went through an unimaginable range of emotions with about a hundred people sitting behind us, as you can imagine.

My kids got up and said some very heartfelt things and a few funny stories for which I will always be grateful-and very proud.

Over a span of a couple years I'd lost my father, my brother, my best friend and my mother. I'm pretty sure the attendees had no problem with my not eulogizing-again.

My family and I went through this in 2015....it is tough and I'm sorry it's your time. My Mom is still struggling with losing her husband of 60 years.

I spoke, had something written down in case I needed it. It was hard but I think my mom really wanted me to. Speak or don't speak, do what you're comfortable with, either way it won't change how much you loved your dad.

Best to you and your family.

I spoke. I made a mess of it.

Go be with him.

I have gone through this with both parents and a brother.
With my {middle} brother many of his friends got up and spoke so I got a pass, he was a super popular guy (I am the youngest of three sons)
Dad passed, the oldest brother threw a huge event, I got a pass.
Mom passed last year, I expected oldest brother to handle it, but he let it slide so I got together with our pastor and we had a small memorial. My parents were a cornerstone of that church for +50 years so no shortage of speakers.

I wanted to speak... I'm mildly musical so wanted to sing a song... but didn't happen.

No one thought less of me (or at least they didn't say anything).

What I do feel good about is that for their last few years I spend time with them at least once a week, IMHO spending time with them while they are here is much more important that speaking at a ceremony after they are gone.

YMMV

When I knew my dad was dying I wrote him a letter expressing my feelings, all positive, because my dad was an awesome guy. It was easier for me to express my feelings that way. I also had a few awesome talks with him after I wrote the letter and was with him when he passed. I found out later that he shared the letter with a few other family members. When he passed I was asked if I would be ok with the letter being read at his "celebration of life" ceremony. I was OK with that because I knew as much as I wanted to speak at the event there is no way I could hold it together enough to do that. It was more important for me to express my feelings to my father more than anyone else. However funerals are for those those left behind, not the ones who are passed. Do what your heart tells you and have no regrets.

Personally did the primary care for both my Father and Mother. Dad basically gave up, and Mom had a stroke and dementia. Just tried to make what time they had left as comfortable as possible. Did my mourning when they were gone mentally which was well before they passed. Don't think I could have handled taking care of them otherwise.

As far as I was concerned the funeral didn't matter. Nobody came to help when them were alive so who cares what those people, including siblings thought or said after they passed.

Dad really got everyone at his funeral. He had asked to have an Evangelist to speak at his funeral. The Evangelist did a 45 minute sermon that had nothing to do with Dad even though they had been friends AND had an alter call at the end. Never been to a funeral with an alter call.

Older brother had only his pastor speak at Mom's funeral. The pastor had never even met Mom and only said things to make my brother feel good.

Losing my father, whom I did not have the best relationship with, was very difficult for me. He passed Dec '16 and I am still struggling. Strange because I had so much resentment, and he was majorly dismissive of me, my wife, and worst, his only grandchildren. I would trade it all back to find a way to get him back into our lives if possible. He was a fantastic father in my younger years.

So back on topic, a funeral? We had no such thing for my father. He was in his early 80's and his friends were either passed or removed. My Mom, now approaching 81, wants nothing to do with a service when it is her time. I am 55, my wife is 52, we both insist on no service. Family, the only true loving in your life, matter. They will work it out in their own way. When I pass I want zero notification, those that reach out mean something to the survivors. Let them update the situation.

Likely a very unpopular view but I am being honest.

Friend of mine's brother put together a very Irish funeral for my friend.

It was a service where the paster said a few nice things as usual. Then a lone bagpipe player started playing Greensleeves standing next to the coffin, then slowly walked away, out of the church and off into the distance so the sound of the bagpipe just faded away. There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Then his brother got up and invited everyone to the reception right after. It was a more of what you would call a proper wake. They served food and drink and encouraged everyone in attendance to get up and talk about their experiences with his brother. It was a little slow at the start, but eventually everyone got up and told their story. So, EVERYONE spoke at his funeral.

It left everyone with a good experience despite the real tear jerker at the beginning.

Sorry to hear you Dad is fading away.

I think it's important to speak at his funeral. I organised everything and did the talking at my Mom's funeral.

I like Richard's way of doing things. Everyone speaking at the wake.

Spend every waking moment you can with your Father in his last days.

I lost my 98 year old Father just a bit over a month ago now. He was a WWII Navy veteran that retired with 28 years in the Naval Reserve. He was THE go-to Professional Engineer when it came to designing and building bridges in the State of Mississippi. He and I were very active in the local radio control model airplane community for more than the past 40 years. It was our hobby. He never retired, worked until he was 96 and fell in poor health. In his last 19 months he did it all backwards: Hospital-swing bed rehab-home for 4 days-hospital-hospice-nursing care-hospital-swing bed rehab-assisted living with 6 months of hospice care doing very well (Hospice picking up the tab for meds and medical equipment etc.) until the end that lasted 2 1/2 days.

I personally planned his funeral as the last of his 5 children. I told the funeral director and cemetery that the day of his service was forecast to be a beautiful day--sunny and 58 at noon with light wind----so NO tent. I had something up my sleeve that was by far the most difficult thing in the end to pull off. We had a 3 hour morning visitation at the Funeral Home then off to the cemetery for the service. The final order of the service came together in my head as I drove the family car behind the hearse and then outlined in the first 2 minutes to those involved after we got to the cemetery. It went like this:

Friends were already at the gravesite. I had hired a trumpet player with a requested play list, and as the hearse rolled up to the gravesite he was blowing some Blues rifts. As we removed the casket from the hearse and headed for the grave site, the trumpet player started blowing "Sometimes I feel like a motherless child" as that was a song my Dad would sing every now and then in his final months. Casket and family in place and the trumpet player started blowing "Taps" as the 3 Navy officers went through the flag folding routine. Uh oh, I left out one detail....I had to look at the lead Officer and point to the flag and then to myself like a catcher sending a signal to the pitcher.....I got the flag. The Preacher we knew from our church 40 years ago gave a 15 minute sermon on biblical monuments in connection with the bridges that my dad had designed and remain as lasting monuments to his lifes work. Following that, I had a guitar player step up and play and sing "I'll fly away"----and while he was playing that I had an aircraft flight instructor fly over in a Cessna 177 Cardinal, coming over gear down and then lift the gear and make a climbing left bank as he went over us. THAT was one of the reasons for the NO tent! The trumpet player then blew "Reveille" and we all adjourned.

Now the reason we requested "Reveille" after "Taps" was because it was done at my Moms military funeral. She was a WWII Army Nurse. The symbolism was "play Taps because I'm gone, then play Reveille as a wake up call to the family to move on." I know of one instance in history where this was done before my Moms funeral, and that was at the funeral of none other than Sir Winston Churchill.

I think I knocked it out of the park and Dad would have been very satisfied. I did stick around until all others left and saw to it the cemetery crew did their job of lowering the casket into the vault and closing of the grave. I thanked and shook hands with all 6 or 8 of the crew before leaving, telling them that my Dad as an Engineer always had a good "hands on" relationship with the construction crews that built his bridges.

Here is a photo that a friend took of my 100 year old Uncle, Dad's brother, a WWII, Korea and Vietnam Marine Air Corps Vet saluting at the playing of "Taps".




http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1523681575.jpg

I'm sorry to hear this, Ron.
To answer your question, yes, I spoke at the funerals of both my parents. But we did not have a dysfunctional family. It wasn't a warm family and we weren't close - neither of my parents ever said "I love you" to me - but I knew they loved my siblings and I in their own way. That's what I said at the funerals. It took a few sentences of more flowery language, but what I said was basically that I loved them and I knew they were always there for me if I needed them.

Speaking at a funeral, if you can do it, and you are a good speaker/can keep it together, is nice.
But I don't think anybody should ever feel obligated to do so.

Funerals have always been and will always be for the living. They really aren't for the dead cause they aren't there to see it anyway.
It's hard for those who lost somebody dear and everybody has his own way to grieve and to remember.

Now if there is some kind of afterlife you believe in, and that person you hold dear has any kind of look back at the world he departed.
Then if you really knew and cared for eachother..
I'm sure they'll understand if somebody doesn't speak at a funeral. Again, we all grieve differently and they would know.

Coming back to the funerals is for the living, a lot of times things get said as a "final message" or by one relative to remind another relative of what is supposed to happen.
A lot of time with the passing of parent,ssuch messages or emotions mark the start of a break up of the siblings. Old dissagreements between siblings that got suppressed resurface in strength.
(which is actually a natural behaviour when parents are gone, we are naturally not supposed to stick around eachother for genetic reasons, those instincts exist in nature).

So in that respect, sometimes it's really better to keep it simple.

Hang in there, regardless of how bad or good your relation with your dad is/was, it's never easy to close that chapter in your own life. It's emotionally tough either way.
If you can get some time with your dad and perhaps get some things out of the air, give it a try, it's better then to regret afterwards that you didn't.

Very sorry to read this Ron, and I skipped to the end without reading others' replies who've lost a parent...I haven't...yet.

Everyone is different, and processes grief in their own way imo. I will not be able to speak at mine....nope. Take care all...

Thank you all for the very supportive and thoughtful feedback. I have read through this thread twice this morning and will read it all again when I get back. Your stories are appreciated.

I am heading over to his house this A.M. to see him.

I'm still really teetering on the decision to speak. Last night after posting this, I mentioned speaking to my wife. Humorously- she mentioned "Brevity. You need to be brief, and brevity is not your strongpoint."

Point taken.

I am hoping the 2 weeks prediction is not set in stone, but his bp does not get over 100.

So as usual, I will drive over there, overthinking these issues like I always do! :)

Thanks again,
Ron

I eulogized my Dad, mostly for my Moms benefit. My brothers weren't up to it, his friends were all gone and he deserved some words. Hearing me speak gave my Mom great comfort. If you have something that you need to say, or that you think he and others need to hear say it out loud bro.

Prayers for you and your family.
I was going to but decided that for that day I wanted to just be a son rather than a minister. My folk's Pastor was awesome and I knew he'd do well.

My condolences - these are difficult days.

I am old enough to have gone to all my close friends parents funeral's as well as my own parents funerals.

As others have said, there is no right answer.

My father had a peculiar distaste for emotional ceremonies so no one but the priest spoke at my mother's funeral mass - and the priest was instructed to keep it short and to the point.

Later, at the house, we had a party for my mother that was open to all. We had a really wonderful time.

My father's specific instructions at his funeral were the same - he was clear that no one was to lament in public.

His ashes are interred at West Point. A few of his classmates and their wives met us there, as were my family and one sister. We had simple ceremony followed by a great dinner, which was again a fun exchange of stories about my father and mother (the wives of his classmates knew my mother well and loved her deeply).

I can make a few recommendations based on my experiences the past few years. I hope I am not being out of line.

Your wife is spot on: brevity, brevity and more brevity. Two anecdotes and much love.

Prepare and be positive. The most uncomfortable I have ever been in church, and that is saying A LOT, is when one of my best friends older brother wandered off the reservation with negative emotion when he spoke.

No more than two speeches, generally a family representation everyone in the family agrees on and a friend or colleague.

Have a wake or a party afterwards: celebrate your parents lives if appropriate. Every single one I have been to was positive, even one yesterday: A friend of mine who worked for me for years in the military (I hired him as a civil servant when he retired) died in his 50's of a heart attach at work the Friday before last.

The memorial service and wake were yesterday. We all managed to find joy at least for a little while - Murph was a very colorful man with many friends and many more stories.

Again, my condolences. Your love of your father speaks volumes about the type of man he is.

Best.

There is no right answer. Do what feels right.

I am the youngest of 4, so I do not expect to speak. I expect our eldest to represent. Say a few words. Thank everyone for coming.

Thinking back, it is not in my family's tradition for family to speak. It's always been left up to a clergyman to do all the talking. That is certainly acceptable if you are more comfortable with it.
I think my sister and I who both spoke VERY briefly at our mother's funeral, and I spoke very briefly at my father's.

Ron, stay strong. Having just gone through this in November I completely understand. I did the eulogy at my father's funeral mass. Although I was grieving, I managed to put down memories on paper and gave everyone a look into who my Dad was and my relationship with him. It felt very good and relieving to speak about him. All the best and sorry for your impending loss.

I was fortunate enough that when Dad gave out at 99 to have a literate (as in phd in English lit) sister to do the honors. I spent his last three nights sleeping in his room with him. That was enough, didn't have it in me to do more.

Your call. You'll know.

Thanks again everyone.

I went and visited again today. He was sleeping peacefully and not awake. This is tough as he has been like this before (over a year ago) and come out of it.

Since I was there last, his wife has bought several new pets, many of which were in the room and barking loudly at my presence. I didn't stay too long as not wake him. Evidently he had been up all night/ long night and everyone was exhausted. Mentally, he is pretty far gone as well, and doesn't remember family members even on good days. Again- this is the same as a year ago, but this time I think it is it. In one way or another, I have been saying goodbye for over 10 years now- over 20 in some ways, and have had many good times since then.

One thing that is comforting it that he is peaceful, and is not in pain.

I will go back over tomorrow.

Be well Ron....tough times indeed...

My Mother, at 92, passed on Thursday. We placed her in hospice two weeks ago. Funeral is Tuesday.
If, as I can, you are able to say that they were safe, comfortable and never ran out of funds, you've done your job. My Father and Brother predeceased her, so it was up to me and my wife and as the sole remaining surviving immediate family.
Our best memory is that we had a bottle of Scotch at her assisted living facility that was labeled "Jackie's First Aid", and every Sunday we brought hors d'oevures to share until her last month.
Enjoy the final days, and take peace that you helped in their final days as they helped you in your first days.

As an update, my dad passed away last night. He went peacefully. Funeral arrangements are still not finalized. The emotions are complex. Earlier I had asked about speaking, and had a rough outline a what I would say, which I sat in bed last night and spoke aloud after he had died. I'm not an extremely religious person, but in times like this, one hopes the loved one can hear it. I would assume in an ideal heavenly setup, they would just know it, with no words necessary. We'll see how the week unfolds.
Thanks again,
Ron

So sorry to hear of your father's passing.

Dave

Also sorry to read this news. :(

As for speaking, I think everyone could identify with wanting the words to be prefect. However, would imagine that your dad would only want them to be sincere.