A Survey of Porsche Owners

[AFJuvat]

This is all supposed to be satirical - nobody take it too personally.

356 – “Maintaining the Tradition” 356 owners can tell you, in painful detail every aspect about their car and when it was produced. 356 owners can recite from memory, the VIN, chassis, and engine numbers from their car, and if they are original. Due to years of practice scrounging obscure, hard to find, long out of production parts, 356 owners feel right at home in junkyards, old barns and other places old cars come to rest. Every 356 owner tooling along with his driving hat and gloves has a near sexual fantasy of finding a forgotten, original Carrera in some desolate place and picking it up for pennies on the dollar. 356 owners meticulously restore their cars to showroom condition to make a good showing at the next PCA meet. When the total restoration bill is added up, it usually exceeds the GNP of some small African countries. 356 Owners tend to be the friendliest of all the Porsche Owners – as they have been too busy trying to find the correct beehive taillight to get involved with inter-model squabbles.

911 - “Defenders of the Faith” Firmly believing that they own the one “true” Porsche (except when 356 owners are around), they look down on all others as inferior, overpriced Volkswagens or Audis. 911 owners will spend thousands converting their car to look/perform like a newer/faster model even if is costs more than if they had bought the actual car they are copying. 911 owners, amongst themselves will debate the virtues of their fuel system and/or tail and its superiority to another 911’s configuration. When driving another car, 911 owners get confused and suspect vehicle malfunction if the ass end of their car doesn’t slide out behind them in a curve. All other Porsche owners claim to loathe 911’s and their owner’s haughty attitudes, but secretly hope to own a 911 themselves.

914 – “The Red-Headed Step-Child” Long scarred by the stigma of not owning a “Real Porsche”, and subsequently being told that their car is, in fact, an overpriced Volkswagen, 914 owners are forced to overcompensate for their implied inferiority complex by having the ability to tell you anything and everything about their car – and if you own a 914 too, everything about your car. 914 owners will debate for days on end the pros/cons of: fuel injection vs. carb, hood badge vs. no hood badge, hydraulic vs. non-hydraulic lifters. Possessing an engineering ability rivaled only by “McGyver”, they can, with 2 tuna cans, some wire, and a few rubber hoses restore a non-running engine. 914 owners either spend, or aspire to spend countless man-hours and thousands of dollars improving the engine and suspension to something close to 911 standards – even if it costs more than what they could have bought a 911 for. A 914 owner is happiest at the track giggling manically as he passes a 911 – at that point, all is right with the world, and the only blots on the horizon are rust and the odd dropped valve seat.

928 – “The Money Pit” 928 owners feel themselves the luckiest individuals in the world, as they have found these very expensive sports cars and picked them up for pennies on the dollar. 928 owners can be identified by sound in most Porsche repair shops – they all tend to say something along the lines of “(insert large dollar amount here) to fix (insert relatively trivial part here)! You’ve got to be kidding me, I only paid (some number less than $10000 here) for the car.” All 928 owners secretly compare themselves to Tom Cruise in “Risky Business” and have at least once danced around their living room in a button-down shirt, briefs, and ray-ban sunglasses to “Old Time Rock and Roll”.

924/944/968 – “Sports car on a Budget” The “Wetheads” all unite in the “us vs. them” struggle with the 911 crowd. Wetheads are divided amongst themselves between the crowd that maintains the car to point of near obsession, even though the value of the car was exceeded long ago, and the crowd that firmly believes that the engineers didn’t know what they were doing and that several doctorates in engineering can be overcome by low-cost, bolt on performance modifications or quick DIY maintenance techniques. The end result is usually severe engine failure, after given the repair bill, said wethead gripes about shoddy engine design and bad engineering, and of course, then goes out looking for yet another wethead car.

AFJuvat

[scottmandue]

Good job AFJuvat!
Hey can we get this post put onto the FAQ?
It would save us allot of time explaining to newbies "You just got a great deal on very fun to drive car that is going to take big chunks of time and money to maintain" so "Stop your whining and get to work or sell the car and let us P-car nuts continue to figure out how to get our sunroof to work" and " YES THEY ARE SLOW OFF THE LINE, YES YOU CAN GET MORE POWER OUT OF YOUR PORSCHE as long as you don't mind paying a hundred bucks per one horsepower"

[CJFusco]

to quote homer simpson, "it's funny because it's true."

[thamlin000]

I'm guessing a 928 owner did not write this.

What about the Boxster?

[88_944]

The end result is usually severe engine failure, after given the repair bill, said wethead gripes about shoddy engine design and bad engineering, and of course, then goes out looking for yet another wethead car.

Funny as hell!!

[todwic]

Niiice. Very nice.

[Andyrew]

LOL, although the 914 owners tend to not spend money like you say but most of what you said is true and funny, thanks for the laugh.

[expat]

That's funny and pretty true. I love my 911 but a 944 on boost...mmm...yeah baby!

Thanks for the laugh (er... reality check).

Mark

[eion]

Where do the Boxster or 996 fit in?

[AFJuvat]

Haven't put the boxster and the 996 (or the cayenne) in yet - I had a slow period at work and typed that up

More to follow, glad it got a few laughs - was almost half expecting to get flamed.

and yes, I was a 928 and a 914 owner..

AFJuvat

[eion]

Yeah, I didn't even want to *mention* the Cayenne - plus the fact that there aren't any owners yet.

I thought it was pretty funny... made me smile, anyway

[Britwrench]

Boxster owners;

"so does this Porssche company make anything else then?"

"the radio doesn't sound very good"

"HOW MUCH for a 15k service?"

"What do you mean, it's only worth $22k, it's a 97"

[rbt944]

What about the Porsche Farm Tractor owners? Do they feel they are high performance farmers?

RBT.

[Kevin Stewart]

I have owned both a 924 and a 944, i will tell you that when it comes to the wows and heads that turn they dont compare to my 911, my 911 is also intense to drive and will take both the 944 and 924 on the straight or curves, dont get me wrong i still love that old 924 and have great memories, the 944 was well refined one of my favorite cars of all time, smooth,power steering etc, kinda of reminds me of my Volvo s40, but the 911 rides like sh$t, handles incredible, what about that great flat six whine or the duals with no cat, the rear kicking out, man this is a car for a real man, lol, you guys have great cars to, in my book they are all Porsches and love em all, just keep it down a little, the guys over on the 911 board will be rattling you guys, Kevin

[AFJuvat]

Boxster – “It’s the Trendy thing to do” This person knows little about cars and less about Porsches. A frequent denizen of the shop to troubleshoot a strange electrical/headlight problem: “Other cars that kind of look like mine flash their lights at me; I’m positive my lights were turned off, does this car have daytime running lights?” Is vaguely aware that Porsche actually made cars before 1997, but could not identify them by sight. Bemoans the lack of a cupholder, as it is really hard to shift while holding that grande double decaf mocha latte from Starbucks.

996 – “I shoulda kept my SC!” Bought by 911 owners who missed out on the 993 because they were too busy modifying their 1979 to look like an 93 964 turbo. Feels totally lost when looking at the engine, as there is little there that is immediately recognizable “Where’s the fan damnit!” Very disconcerted at the presence of a **gasp** coolant tank, privately worries that the guys at the PCA meeting will tease him about it. In a desperate effort to return to familiar sights/smells, intentionally spills oil on hot exhaust. Debates the pros/cons of removing the current air vent and putting a whale tail on it.

Cayenne – "What the hell were they thinking?!" Every SUV needs a 4.5 liter twin turbo engine and cupholders for Juniors Hi-C juice-box in the back seat. Looks like what you would get if a 911 mated with a Hyundai Santa Fe. Expected to be one of the best designed Porsches ever, since they obviously moved the engineers that USED to work on the LeMans cars to the project. This is the one area where airhead and wethead can generally agree:
“It ain’t a Porsche….”

AFJuvat

[atlporsche]

what about us '12 guys...

sjd
'67 912

[AFJuvat]

Originally posted by atlporsche
what about us '12 guys...
sjd
'67 912

Actually I didn't forget about the 12 guys - I tried real hard to come up with somethng for them.

To be perfectly honest, in 10 years, I've worked on 1 912 and 1 912E - I honestly don't have enough experience with the cars or the owners to poke fun at them (though I do like the cars!).

AFJuvat

[atlporsche]

well then....poking fun at myself...

912 – “Wanna-bees” 912 owners claim their engine was the pinnacle of the 356 engine development, which upsets the 356 guys greatly. They also claim to use the best chassis shell (911), which upsets the 911 guys greatly. Desiring a 911, but not being able to afford the exorbitant engine costs (like they can talk), and being totally shunned by the 911 guys there was only one place to turn, inward. With nowhere to go, 912 guys band together in little collectives, mostly based in California. Some are obsessive in finding that all original, no rust, black plate CA car, while others just want to drive what they have. 912’s came one way, plain. Though often ranked with the 914 as being a glorified VW, an early 912 is really all Porsche, and the owners will let you know it. Some owners will distance themselves from those VW owning, 912 E guys, but most are welcoming of them into the 912 fold (“Four cylinders and rear engines gotta hang together.”). 912 owners are typically the most tolerant of the other styles. Being a bottom feeder does that to them.

sjd

[Sarah]

That was really funny!! I only read the part within the " " but now i'll go back & finish reading it!

[Verruckt]

So true, so true. I wish this list was around in 1994 when I bought my 914. I thought I was buying a REAL Porsche! Thanks for putting us all in our place.