keeping an acquaintance at arm's length.

[vash]

I didnt know why. I do now.

I have a bud. a guy I kayak fish with. funny guy, good laughs, etc. but I don't consider him a friend and I didnt know why.

I have been reading books and listening to online lectures about communication. my motivation was becoming a supervisor of people. I didnt grow up in the family that hugged or told each other we loved each other. so I am a bit robotic in that department. (as a family, we have gotten better). I wanted to communicate clearer, cleaner, and with empathy. like a human.

in a lecture I heard a term. the "TOPPER". as soon as I heard the description it clicked. my bud is a topper. a topper speaks mostly about themselves. if I speak, they have quit listening and have focused on what their response will be. and they TOP the conversation. for example, I can say, "hey I just bought a new truck!". a regular conversation would be: "yea? what truck? what color? what do you think so far? do you like it?" a topper would say, "yea..I am buying a new truck too!"

this exact conversation happened. but insert new fishing reel as a substitute for truck. haha...I got it. it isn't about communcation. it is an issue of connecting as a result of communication. to connect!

I have a slew of performance evaluations to do with employees. the stuff I have read and listened to, hopefully will help me do it more effectively. I heard a great phrase. "don't use a big word, when a small word will do". communication is an art form. I don't have it. but I am trying.

my fishing bud? I'll keep fishing occasionally with him, but I am not showing him any secret lakes. hahah..

[rwest]

Originally Posted by vash

I didnt know why. I do now.

I have a bud. a guy I kayak fish with. funny guy, good laughs, etc. but I don't consider him a friend and I didnt know why.

I have been reading books and listening to online lectures about communication. my motivation was becoming a supervisor of people. I didnt grow up in the family that hugged or told each other we loved each other. so I am a bit robotic in that department. (as a family, we have gotten better). I wanted to communicate clearer, cleaner, and with empathy. like a human.

in a lecture I heard a term. the "TOPPER". as soon as I heard the description it clicked. my bud is a topper. a topper speaks mostly about themselves. if I speak, they have quit listening and have focused on what their response will be. and they TOP the conversation. for example, I can say, "hey I just bought a new truck!". a regular conversation would be: "yea? what truck? what color? what do you think so far? do you like it?" a topper would say, "yea..I am buying a new truck too!"

this exact conversation happened. but insert new fishing reel as a substitute for truck. haha...I got it.

I have a slew of performance evaluations to do with employees. the stuff I have read and listened to, hopefully will help me do it more effectively. I heard a great phrase. "don't use a big word, when a small word will do". communication is an art form. I don't have it. but I am trying.

my fishing bud? I'll keep fishing occasionally with him, but I am not showing him any secret lakes. hahah..

I worked with a guy like that, I used to joke that if you said you had a silver plated lawnmower, he would have a gold one! Always had to one up everyone.

You should show him your best lake, because then he will show you a better one!

[oldE]

Next time, try telling him about the puss filled sore on your butt. See if he tops that!

Best
Les

[Norm K]

Originally Posted by rwest

I worked with a guy like that, I used to joke that if you said you had a silver plated lawnmower, he would have a gold one! Always had to one up everyone.

Remember, the first liar doesn't stand a chance.
_

[speeder]

Most people are insecure in one area or another, some more or less. It comes out in conversation. Any type of bragging or high-signing, (even indirectly), betrays some insecurity. As life goes on, I've come to admire people more and more who do not engage in it. It's a character defect and I try to recognize it in myself if it ever comes up.

Your friend sounds like he's out of control with zero self awareness. If that isn't intolerable to you, keep him around, I guess?

[craigster59]

I've been wondering why you haven't called.

[craigster59]

Seriously though, I understand where you're coming from. It's the old "Enough about me, let's talk about you. What do you think of me?" syndrome.

I work with some real blowhards. Vacations, concerts, vehicles, homes, everything is a "contest". I understand it's Hollywood and you have to be your own Press Agent, but just give it a rest.

I don't hang out with a lot of friends. Yeah, we're friends but the occasional get together is fine. I used to hang out all week long and on weekends, playing softball, watching sports, fishing, golfing, backpacking. But now it seems more "me time" is what I'm enjoying.

[ChrisHamilton]

Originally Posted by craigster59

I've been wondering why you haven't called.

Lol!


@vash
IMO your "friend" has a form of narcissism. Very insecure about themselves and have to always "one up" the people that are around them to build themselves up internally. Often they don't even realize they are doing it, much like other forms of narcissism.

I agree that folks like that aren't a lot of fun to be around. I think we all know or knew someone like that at some point in our lives.

[Flatbutt1]

I know someone like that. I've come to understand that he does it due to a very low self image. He just can't be in a conversation without talking about himself. It's most tiresome and I can only take him in small doses, but I pity him for feeling so down about himself.

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Norm K

Remember, the first liar doesn't stand a chance.
_

In the case of the truck, the guy didn't lie, he said he was going to buy a truck. Intent, but not a lie.

There was a character in Dilbert called Topper. They are everywhere.

Those that are severely insecure are real trouble. Toxic backstabbers. I had one in my life and he was a guy I knew almost longer than anyone else. That must tell you that we got along until we didn't. He changed over time and gossipped angrily about everyone. So it wasn't me.

He lost his career doing this. He off-put his clients and neighbors who were often his clients. He was a painting contractor. He also grossly exaggerated. And he turned out to be a racist although 40 years ago his attitude was acceptable to many. Two things changed there, his increased racism and the new era.

He died an angry man at 72.

Next comes the overtalker. This is the guy that has his next sentence queued up so there is no pause once he gets going. He repeats a lot but he is 79 for cryin' out loud. He's not too bad at interrupting but he does that. The worst part is if you visit him and his wife, they will both talk to you at the same time like the other one wasn't there.

I sometimes have to be somewhat curt with him. He wanders off on a tangent on every story and after a couple of minutes you want to say what happened to the blah blah in the first part?

You know, I think I'd rather fish alone.

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by Zeke

...

You know, I think I'd rather fish alone.

I ALWAYS catch the mostest and biggest fish that way!

No lie

[vash]

Originally Posted by craigster59

I've been wondering why you haven't called.

haha...thanks C. that was damn funny.

[911boost]

You got a new reel? Wait until I tell you about the one I am getting.

Ha!

Good to hear from you.

[speeder]

Originally Posted by craigster59

I've been wondering why you haven't called.

Just seeing this...lol, buddy.

[Baz]

Good to hear from you again, Vash. Good topic. Good luck with the work endeavours! I always enjoy hearing stuff like that......

[look 171]

Vash, let me tell tell you about my experiences with my acquaintances. Oh never mind.

Hey man, you made the right decision staying just an arm's length away. After a while, they become no fun to hang with. I always tell people, I am pretty dumb and don't know much about anything since I don't read much but magazines with large pictures.

[Bill Douglas]

Thanks Vash. I've never really noticed it but I've got two friends like that.

They don't do anything, but look at something I have done and tell me how it could have been done better.

[MBAtarga]

Someone in our tailgate group is a "topper". I didn't know it until today though.

No matter what the topic of conversation is - he has one newer, bigger, better, more expensive, faster, whatever. I don't consider him a friend -just an acquaintance.

[craigster59]

Originally Posted by speeder

Just seeing this...lol, buddy.

And you've probably been wondering why I haven't called! J/K, we need to "do lunch" soon.

I think the narcissist angle is spot on. I don't mind a "humble brag" or someone wanting to show off a new purchase. But those who do the "oneupmanship" get to me.

If I'm excited about my new Galvan reel and want to show you the features, don't bring up your Abel reel and tell me how much greater it is and how I should have bought one, even though it's 3 times the price.

I tend to brag more about what a cheap ass i am and how I find bargains and deals. That's the info we are looking for!

[Superman]

Vash, it is good to hear from you. You are a good writer and a good soul.

Lots of people are toppers. Pay attention to how often people start a sentence with "I."

The extreme form of a topper, I suppose, would be one of those folks who must outdo others. Sometimes they fib. "I have a new half-ton truck." "Oh yeah, well I have a new one-ton. Actually two one-tons. In addition to the other trucks I have."

Many listen with the goal of responding. A few listen with the goal of understanding.

I learned a lot of, you know, principles of communication. I could teach a short class. Better ones are surely available to you. Ask people about themselves. This is their favorite topic. Say their name. That is their favorite word. When they say something they should re-think, speak immediately when they finish. When they say something they should internalize, be silent when they finish. Their words will echo in their minds during the silence. In two seconds, nod. That sort of thing.

And while it is usually best to focus on them (their favorite subject), if you are trying to change their habit, tell them how you handle the same thing. In fact, don't tell anyone what to think. Ask them questions that could lead them to the wisdom. Socrates was quite effective.

Reprimand people in private and praise them in public. If you need to reprimand someone, do it quickly as soon as the door is shut. When they nod in agreement, you are done. End with encouraging words about their value to the enterprise.

Nod your head a lot. Right after you say something you want them to believe. While they are saying something good.

That sort of thing. Surely there are renowned speakers. Communication is your whole game, Vash. And for many of us. You are an engineer I believe, and you work in a public works office. On those rare occasions you are punching numbers into a calculator, you are only half-communicating. The rest of the time communication is well in excess of 50% of your game. It's important. I participated in the public works industry. Seriously, the importance of communication cannot be overstated. Poor communication can cost six or seven figures or more. It can cost lives.

I'll get off my soapbox now.