Dealing with a spouse's parent that is resistant to assistance

[Tobra]

Mother in Law has cancer. Diagnosed with lung cancer a few years ago, treated with radiation which shrank it up to nothing.

Emperor never left the building.

Now, she has it in her lungs, cervical spine and brain, which is not something you survive. Yesterday, she was receptive to her daughter helping anyway she could. Today, she is saying she told all her doctors not to talk to her daughter. Only one who knows is my wife, father in law and brother in law are still in the dark. Wife plans to go out next week, will almost certainly be the one to give her dad the bad news.

I told my wife that people who are likely to die in the next 6 months can be irrational at times. Metastatic brain cancer is not going to improve this. She does not think she is up to the task. I told her she is going to find out that she is. Her dad is dyslexic as hell, and has never filled out a check in his life. I foresee my wife spending a lot of time with her folks in the next few months. We just went through this with my parents, so my sister has been a golden font of information.

I know a lot of y'all have been through this.

I also know this is where you go to ask any question and get smart answers in short order, but I don't know that there is an answer to this one.

[masraum]

Prayers for your wife, her mother and father, you, and all of the family involved. I can't even imagine, but I'm sure this isn't going to be easy, and from the sound of things, it's going to be tough for a while.

[Cajundaddy]

A very difficult chapter to go through. My mom and mother in law both passed away in 2023 and both had a long list of health issues. My mom had dementia and it really went south in the final year. Fortunately she was cooperative with us and her caregivers to the end. Hospice care eased her journey when it was time.

Do the best you can, make sure they are getting the care they need, and spend time with them as the door to this world closes. Best advice I can really offer.

[Alan A]

Best you can do from a care perspective is probably get them declared incompetent.
But that’s a whole process and likely to be adversarial. No one wants to think they are losing it.

We have a similar problem. My sympathies.

[cabmandone]

First thing I'd do is make sure she gets a durable POA for dad if her dad is dyslexic. This will allow her to handle the bills. Get as many things as she can setup for autopay. I set up a bill pay account that I can transfer funds into from other bank and checking accounts my parents had with greater dollar amounts in them. I designated a credit card my parents had as a bill pay card as well. Anyone who charged a convenience fee to use credit card for bill pay, I paid with the bill pay bank account. While my parents were both of sound mind, they placed me on their accounts so I could sign checks etc. Might want to see if her dad is willing to do that. It take a lot of trust for them to give that kind of authority.

From there I'd try to take full advantage of the moments when her mom is coherent to determine her wishes for care etc. If her mom is still mentally competent I'd suggest she talk to her about granting healthcare POA (not necessarily to your wife but to any member of the family she's comfortable with) to carry out her wishes. From there, just be there if ya know what I mean.

I wish your wife luck. She's going to need a strong support group around her. This end of life s..t sucks.

[unclebilly]

I don’t know how real estate transfers work in your state. You may want to get the kids names on the house title (here it is called tenancy in common) so it can transfer to the kids without being taxed.

POA needs to happen now if it isn’t already in place.

[berettafan]

FiL was late diagnosis cancer victim. Opted against treatment. The pain meds can create severe heartache for loved ones and the closest get hurt the worst. I would think too it’s not easy knowing your time is up. Just a rough combination for all.


Somewhat less relevant- on real estate ownership changes consult your tax guy before doing anything. Lots of factors at play here.

[KFC911]

Best to your family Toby. You wife will somehow find a way.... some way... she aboslutely will!

....and it will suck

Life.... sometimes it just does.

[oldE]

I know you will give your wife all the support you possibly can.
Definitely get all financial dealings shifted over.
POA should be in place as soon as possible.
This is going to be rough.

Best
Les

[rfuerst911sc]

Very easy to get emotionally and physically overwhelmed so don't hesitate to get outside help if needed . Your wife and all family members need to know and understand any legal documents that exist . If no legal documents exist get on that pronto . Everyone will be on an emotional roller coaster so be prepared for the highs and lows . Watching parents/in laws/anyone wind down to the end is very difficult . Know you are not alone , I wish you and your wife the best as you go through this journey .

[Seahawk]

So much great advice.

Both my parents died of cancer, both times withing 6 months of the diagnosis.

In their cases, they were sentient until the end so this may not apply in your case, Toby, but what they both craved was consistency and routine without what they both called, "the look"...meaning the empathy face most people naturally have when dealing with cancer folks.

My father, in particular, wanted minimal visitors but that was also pre-cancer I spent a lot of time in Fairfield in those days.

Will, POA, Guardianship, smart tax accounting, etc. are the easy parts.

But, "nothing you can't handle, nothing you ain't got..."

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by berettafan

The pain meds can create severe heartache for loved ones and the closest get hurt the worst.

I think this is true in general. I’ve seen it over and over - the closest, most helpful family member gets dumped on the worst. In my mother’s case I think her Vicodin addiction exacerbated her meanness toward my sister. In Dad’s case it was the dementia. In both cases my sister was a saint but was treated horribly by them.

[Tobra]

Between y'all and my sister, feel like I have a handle on it.

She even has a local attorney lined up, someone who worked with her husband's brother apparently

Turns out I am watching my daughter's dogs for a couple days now

[masraum]

Originally Posted by wdfifteen

I think this is true in general. I’ve seen it over and over - the closest, most helpful family member gets dumped on the worst. In my mother’s case I think her Vicodin addiction exacerbated her meanness toward my sister. In Dad’s case it was the dementia. In both cases my sister was a saint but was treated horribly by them.

As you said, I think that's fairly normal. I haven't had to deal with it myself, but I've been tangential to a couple/few folks that have gone through it. And that was my observation as well.

[Rikao4]

Best to both..
ensure you have 2 POA..
one covers stuff..
the other is Medical...DNR and so fort
me Lady sees folks all the time waving their POA about Hospital..
and those cover everything but Medical input or access to info /paper..

Rika

[LWJ]

I am sitting waiting for the rest of my family to hop in the car to go pack my MIL for a move closer. She is slipping. We are picking up the loose ends.

One of my best friends has 6 (most likely much much less) months. He is stupid wealthy. No will.

Arg!!!

That’s about all you can do.

Sometimes things just suck.

Sorry. And good luck.

[3rd_gear_Ted]

Feeling the angst for sure myself.
There is transition from palliative care to hospice care.
My lifelong friend with throat cancer soon crosses that bridge after 8 months of hospitalization.
He has to be sedated for his combativeness to his caregivers and has a trach to breathe & a feeding tube.

The moral dilemma of palliative care with feeding tubes and such means the transition to hospice care could be mercifully be short lived.

This haunts me; when a feeding tube is involved does the transition to hospice care mean that the protein source is set at a minimal amount or is it just turned off?

I don't want to watch him starve to death, but he deserves to go home.

[cabmandone]

Originally Posted by 3rd_gear_Ted

Feeling the angst for sure myself.
There is transition from palliative care to hospice care.
My lifelong friend with throat cancer soon crosses that bridge after 8 months of hospitalization.
He has to be sedated for his combativeness to his caregivers and has a trach to breathe & a feeding tube.

The moral dilemma of palliative care with feeding tubes and such means the transition to hospice care could be mercifully be short lived.

This haunts me; when a feeding tube is involved does the transition to hospice care mean that the protein source is set at a minimal amount or is it just turned off?

I don't want to watch him starve to death, but he deserves to go home.

Probably differs, but here there can be no treatment considered life sustaining in order to transition to hospice.

[Por_sha911]

As others have said, need a POA yesterday.

Also, have a Medical Care Directive (aka Living Will)) to give someone the ability to make choices like if she is in a vegetative state. I suggest have only one person on the POA and Living Will. Otherwise fights break out when stuff happens.

Next, need to be sure wills for both parents are located and up to date.

Last, seek counseling for the family or individuals before the stuff hits the fan.
Ask mom questions about what she wants now and after her passing.

[GH85Carrera]

I am going through the same thing. My wife's mother is 92. She has heart failure, and her pacemaker is keeping her alive. She was living at home, alone and fell. Fortunately, after I told her and my wife repeatedly she listened to one bit of advice, and to keep her cell phone at hand. She managed to get Siri to call her grandson to come get her up. She fell on carpet, so no real damage, be she agreed to get hospice in to help with showers and meals.

A week later she had friends over to play cards, and she fell on the tile. She cracked he femur and now is in a splint. She finally agreed to 24 hour home help. That is 14K per week!

Two weeks ago she declared she would die that weekend. She is still hanging in there.

She has declared to all, no surgeries, no invasive life saving procedures. It has been tough on my wife, getting all the paperwork together, and all signed. At least that is done before her mom has died. I suspect her MIL will last several more months. I can only stand back and help support my wife.