Remind me to never ever buy another BMW product - emission cycle

[Deschodt]

Not that I hate the cars... it's their $%#$%$#% SMOG cycle that drives me crazy. BMW, Mini, the lot of them ! Each time you pull the battery (dead, or some work) the SMOG readiness never resets in "normal" driving. You then must do some really crazy stupid cycle (with no idea if you can pause between phases or if it resets of what) that is pretty much impossible to do on real roads...

Like Hold 20-30 mph <3000 rpm for 3m15 sec. Where do I do that without a stop sign or traffic light, presumably AFTER a dead cold start where I waited 2m10s in neutral sec before going (which starts the test) ? Nowhere..

Worse: 40-60 mph <3000 mph and no big throttle opening.. Dudes.. With an M3 maybe. With a sign on the back window that says "do not kill me, I'm driving slow on the freeway because of a stupid emission cycle". On the kid's mini cooper ??? I'm not even sure we can REACH 40mph under 3000 RPM, LOL... Then you have to decel to 20 without touching the brakes on a perfectly sloped exit with no traffic, let it idle 5 min (on that exit!!!), close the door, wait 5-10 min for ECU to store data and go to sleep? I can see the red and blue lights already

F$%#%$. I had to do this once on the E46 M3 and swore to myself the battery never ever gets disconnected ever again or the car goes.. With the kid's Mini, I am toast.. There is NOTHING worng with the emissions BTW, it's just "not ready" because nobody drives like that.

Anyone knows if I can do this stupid test on jackstands ? I don't wanna risk my life on a public road at speed that generate road rage or accidents. I was getting drafted by semi trucks 2ft from my rear bumper last time I did that with the M3. They thought I was messing with them.

[wilnj]

Are you in a hurry? Googling indicates that driving up to 200 miles will eventually clear it.

[masraum]

I've always heard that the cycle is crap for all cars.

But based on what I've heard, it's probably also a good idea to avoid BMWs.

[Deschodt]

If only. It’s been 1000 miles plus since we replaced the battery. The cycle is so odd for BMW cars I’ve never seen it resolved itself under normal drives over time :-(

[masraum]

Originally Posted by Deschodt

If only. It’s been 1000 miles plus since we replaced the battery. The cycle is so odd for BMW cars I’ve never seen it resolved itself under normal drives over time :-(

Weird! Ok, maybe it sucks in new bimmers.

[Dixie]

I'd avoid any recent BMW just because they're fugly. Then again, I I think most every car made since 2020 is an abomination.

(See, at times old ladies can be curmudgeons too. )

[wilnj]

Originally Posted by Dixie

I'd avoid any recent BMW just because they're fugly. Then again, I I think most every car made since 2020 is an abomination.

(See, at times old ladies can be curmudgeons too. )

My son and I are both BMW fans but when he starts talking about the modern models, I remind him that my interest and knowledge stops around 2006.

How BMW managed to make it through 40 years with the letter E designating their chassis numbers but in 10 years has blown through F and G is beyond me.

[908/930]

I am also a BMW fan, have three cars and two bikes at the moment, no complaints. But I would not buy a Mini.

[RANDY P]

Serious leaks, disintegrating plastics, and complicated electrical and code issues. What's not to love?

Been driving my carbed car for 3 weeks now in high 90's weather. Any problems so far? HELL NO. In fact, I may build another one as a daily

Screw tech.

rjp

[Bugsinrugs]

When I had to do that drive cycle for my 993 I would do it starting at 4am. I’m rural so nobody on the road that early. Still it is a pain in the butt.

[Dpmulvan]

You can use one of these, not the greatest but will work for what you need it for and more.Foxwell NT510 Elite For BMW All System Bidirectional OBD2 Diagnostic Scanner Oil $138 dollars. If your going to mess around with cars these days a tablet of some sort is a must especially if you do stuff like caliper changes et.

[fastfredracing]

OBD 2 . Blame the feds . No reason a car should not be able to self test all systems under normal driving conditions once up to operating temp in 20 miles or less .
Ive had cars that took 500 miles for monitors to complete, and then jump in a Honda, and 20 minutes later, all monitors are run , ready for testing .
BMW. Bavarian Manure Wagon .
Im glad I am not in an emissions county here in the great commonwealth of Pa.
That stuff makes me go nutty

[Porchdog]

Yeah, I had that in my 2013 mini this year. ( I am in an emissions area in PA)

I eventually gave in and started the cycle at 10 PM one night. Fortunately the monitors set 3 minutes into the higher speed portion.

I've never had any car that had more problems. It's fun to drive though.

[Rick Lee]

The BMW reset procedure works on 993s too and I had to do it when I sold my 993 to a guy in CA. Man, that procedure SUCKED. I had to do it on a Sunday morning when traffic was very light. I had to use the stopwatch on my phone and I blew plenty of stop signs. Sitting at idle with the clutch pushed in for several minutes was no fun either.

[Deschodt]

My beef with this procedure is how stupid/dangerous it is to accomplish and how you have no recourse... The state does not care, you cannot renew registration without it passing. The manufacturer does not care, they sold you a car already (long ago) and you are welcome to take it to the dealer and pay them to try over and over.. The SMOG shop does not care" come back next time, drive it more, pay us again, Muhaha".

I am not a litigious person but I would LOVE for someone to sue all of the above as appropriate to make this go away in this specific scenario. You can end up with a good car (well it's a mini so "good" is open for debate, but whatever) that would pass emissions (good cats, no issues) but won't because it's not *ready* to be tested because you replaced a damn battery. And you have no recourse against anyone... It's asinine.. Imagine someone not mechanically proficient, not ODB2 reader proficient, faced with this... At least I finally figured out how to check readiness with my BMW tester (not the same for the mini, weird submenu) so I can start this stupid process again... I need to print a banner for my rear window too (SLOW: STUPID emissions test RESET in progress). What I wonder each time is does the test end if you break a rule or does it just invalidate that portion... Must you always start cold to begin the test ? nobody knows... Apparently I cannot do it on my lift, ODB2 knows there is no engine load wheels in the air, I'd need a dyno LOL ! One guy says it worked... ???

I am so glad 2 or my 3 cars are pre 73 and the third is electric. CA SMOG is hell. Gonna go sell this car in Nevada.

[berettafan]

Originally Posted by RANDY P

Serious leaks, disintegrating plastics, and complicated electrical and code issues. What's not to love?

Been driving my carbed car for 3 weeks now in high 90's weather. Any problems so far? HELL NO. In fact, I may build another one as a daily

Screw tech.

rjp

Both my Ford pickup and my VW (base model, cloth seats) have much nicer quality interiors than i've experienced in BMWs i've looked at. It seems like if BMW would just fire the guy that orders/specs plastics in the engine/cooling systems and do leather only on all interiors they'd be a darn sight further ahead in the long term quality department.

[Arizona_928]

Some want more regulation yet complain when we’re regulated to the point where the end user is simply a fool making payments forever…

[911boost]

I had to do this with my 997 as well, was a total pain in the rear.

[porsche tech]

Originally Posted by Bugsinrugs

When I had to do that drive cycle for my 993 I would do it starting at 4am. I’m rural so nobody on the road that early. Still it is a pain in the butt.

I have been retired for 12 years but when working, I became very proficient at obtaining all the readiness codes on the 993 to constitute “a trip” in one road test (20 minutes or so). A couple could be triggered with the PST and the rest were fairly simple and required no abnormal driving. We had a list that specifically spelled out all the parameters.

BTW: Secondary air injection ports being clogged was a common culprit for CEL due to worn valve guides on the 993.

[Tobra]

Originally Posted by wilnj

Are you in a hurry? Googling indicates that driving up to 200 miles will eventually clear it.

This is not consistent with my experience.

Had to do this in the Miata once, it was stupid