I've told this joke several times sense reading it, it even made a bartender wince.:D

Listen to when no kids are around, the wife is not in earshot, and you are not at work. Otherwise it's just a fun and clean audio only file.

At the Horse Races - Marriage Theme Horse names

http://www.crewdogs.com/Videos/MarriageHorseRace.mp3

Glad I could help out.

I'm getting married this coming weekend. She didn't particularly care for this but I had a short muffled laugh. Perhaps the warning should include "don't play this for you fiance'" LOL :-)

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible
out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to
80mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left..

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him. No problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back. "

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

Goodbye Mother

A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him
around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She
finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I
hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much
like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the
store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the
store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and
smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to
pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so
much. I only bought 5 items.

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things,
too."

Do not trust all little Old Ladies

Sorry if it's a repeat; I haven't read the whole thread.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:



Always keep your condoms in your car........

JP

A very unattractive, nasty, mean actin' woman walks
into Walmart with her two kids.

The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

The ugly woman says "Hell no, the oldest one, he's
9, and the younger one, she's 7. Why?........ Do you think
they really look alike?"

Hell no", replied the greeter, "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice!"

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Jim because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair for one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.



The first deputy slept with Jim and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Jim snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."



The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Jim shakes the roof. I watched him all night."



The third night was Bruces' turn. Bruce was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"



He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Jim into bed and kissed him good night on the lips.



He sat up and watched me all night long"

Subject: What my Dad does for a living

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the nomination of Hillary Clinton, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

Aurel

A pedophile and a child are walking through the woods.
It is rainy, dark and stormy, and generally scary.
The child says to the pedophile "I'm scared".
The pedophile answers "You're scared... I have to walk back to the car by myself!"

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside
his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek
and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the
end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are
you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom
and I'm St. Peter".
Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't
be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family....
you've got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but
there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not
far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of
light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the
ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought u ntil he
felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farm yard rooster strolled over and said, "So
you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this
strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't
tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian. "Well just relax and let it
happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an
egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over
him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for
the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that had happened to him ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay
his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and
heard his wife shouting, "Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're
****tin' in the bed!

A maker of ceremonial swords discovered the high-strength steel used in modern automobiles was ideal for the construction of his objects of art. He said he tended to draw inspiration from the source of the steel.
Recently, after constructing a replica of a mediaeval broadsword from the crushed remains of a new Dodge compact he quipped, "What else could I call it, but Ex-Caliber?"

Les

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one
afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee.


The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is
that Jesus sitting over there?"


The waitress nodded yes, so the Irishman told her to give
Jesus a cup of coffee on him.


The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and
asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a
cup of hot tea, "My treat."


The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck
on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and
hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang! How's about gettin' me a
cold glass of Coke?"


He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the
redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "And put it
on my bill."


As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched
him, and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The
Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
and danced a jig out the door.


Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him, and said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his
back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the
Lord, and did a series of backflips out the door.


Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumped up
and yelled, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"

Q) How do you know if there is a pilot at your party (or on the forum) ?

He'll be sure and tell you...
and everyone else...
multiple times.

Alligator Bells
 

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters,
fishermen, golfers and tourists in general to take extra precautions
and keep
alert for alligators while in Alachua, Marion, Lake, Collier, Lee,
Seminole,
Osceola, Polk, Brevard, Putnam and Orange counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little
bells on
their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators
unexpectedly.
They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter
with an
alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator
activity.
People should learn to recognize the difference between small young
alligator
droppings and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small and contain fish bones and possibly
bird
feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and
smell like
pepper spray.

Sex in the Dark



There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:









"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

There once was this white fella who was feeling lonely because his wife-to-be, Wanda, was on vacation. He wanted to do something for her that would both impress her as well as proclaim his undying ever-enduring love for her.

After much contemplation he thought what better way than to have her name, "Wanda," actually tattooed onto his body. Further consideration of his idea resulted in his deciding to have her name tattooed right onto his penis. So he went to a tattoo parlor and had it done immediately.

Well, because of the nature of the terrain, the tattoo usually said, "WA." But he knew she would be surprised and delighted to see her whole name on his penis once it became erect. He could hardly wait for her return.

The scabs wore off just in time too, as she was due home from her vacation. He went to meet her at the airport, beaming to himself as he imagined her pleasure at discovering his surprise. He could hardly even contain himself.

While he was waiting for her plane, he went into the washroom to have a pee. He marched right up the urinal next to a tall black fella who was just shaking it off. The white fella looks down and says, "Hey wow!!! You've got a "WA" on your penis too! What a coincidence!" The black fella looks at him.

"I just had mine done - it really says `Wanda,'" beamed the white fella, "What does yours say?"

The black fella looks down at him, gives a big wide smile and says,

"Well mine says, `WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL JAMAICA'"

"White fella" :p

At the rest home Sadie bursts into Morty's room, drops her dressing gown and yells,

"Morty! I'm going to give you super sex!"

Morty takes a look at Sadie and says,

"I'll take the soup."

2 women are walking their dogs on a saturday afternoon, 1 with a doberman and 1 with a chihuahua. The woman with the doberman says "You want to get a drink at the bar over there?" The woman with the chihuahua says "They won't let us in, we have our dogs." Watch this" says the woman with the doberman as she puts on a pair of dark glasses. The bouncer stops her at the door and says "no pets allowed." "You don't understand" says the woman "this is a guide dog." "I've never seen a doberman guide dog" says the bouncer. "They've just started using them" says the woman. "Alright, go ahead" replies the bouncer. The woman with the chihuahua sees this and thinks she might have a tougher time but decides to give it a shot. She dons her dark glasses and walks up to the bouncer who stops her and says "no pets allowed." "But this is a guide dog" she replies. "I've never seen a chihuahua guide dog" says the bouncer. The woman replies "chihuahua,.. they gave me a f*cking chihuahua?"

Mike Tyson's Phone numer

to un fi - fee fi fo - fee fi fo fo

There was this man, on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could, he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.




Probably wasn't the same elephant.

FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house

together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the

other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the

bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll

come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.

"Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old

is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening

to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I

sure hope I never get that forgetful," as she

knocked on her wooden table for good measure. " She

then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as

soon as I see who's at the door."

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON.........you spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON........ you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to check emails.

A FIREMAN

came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.











"From now on when I say BELL 1,
I want you to strip naked.
When say BELL 2,
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3,
we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.



When he yelled "BELL 2!"
, the wife jumped into bed
. When he yelled "BELL 3!"
, they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled

BELL 4

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?



"MORE HOSE,"

she replied,

"you're

NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

Along the same lines as the one above.


A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue grill."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue grill!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling frisky.

He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

those 2 are classics.....

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehen d her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Forgive the capital letters... I cut and pasted from an email:



A BLONDE GUY GETS HOME EARLY FROM WORK AND HEARS STRANGE NOISES COMING FROM THE BEDROOM. HE RUSHES UPSTAIRS TO FIND HIS WIFE NAKED ON THE BED,SWEATING AND PANTING.

WHAT'S UP?" HE SAYS.

I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK," CRIES THE WOMAN. HE RUSHES DOWNSTAIRS TO GRAB THE PHONE, BUT JUST AS HE'S DIALING, HIS 4-YEAR-OLD SON COMES UP AND SAYS "DADDY! DADDY! UNCLE TED'S HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND HE'S GOT NO CLOTHES ON! "

THE GUY SLAMS THE PHONE DOWN AND STORMS UPSTAIRS INTO
THE BEDROOM, PAST HIS SCREAMING WIFE, AND RIPS OPEN THE WARDROBE DOOR. SURE ENOUGH, THERE IS HIS BROTHER, TOTALLY NAKED, COWERING ON THE CLOSET FLOOR.

"YOU ROTTEN S.O.B., " SAYS THE HUSBAND, "MY WIFE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOU'RE RUNNING AROUND NAKED SCARING THE KIDS!"

This is transcribed from an Air Force training video on the topic of missile guidance. The actual sound track is here.

The missile knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation. The guidance subsystem uses deviations to generate corrective commands to drive the missile from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, and arriving at a position where it wasn't, it now is.

Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position that it wasn't, and it follows that the position that it was, is now the position that it isn't.

In the event that the position that it is in is not the position that it wasn't, the system has acquired a variation, the variation being the difference between where the missile is, and where it wasn't. If variation is considered to be a significant factor, it too may be corrected by the GEA. However, the missile must also know where it was.

The missile guidance computer scenario works as follows. Because a variation has modified some of the information the missile has obtained, it is not sure just where it is. However, it is sure where it isn't, within reason, and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it wasn't, or vice-versa, and by differentiating this from the algebraic sum of where it shouldn't be, and where it was, it is able to obtain the deviation and its variation, which is called error.

Who is on first.

Somebody needs to get out a bit more, and have conversations with people instead of with his computer.

Somebody needs to get out a bit more, and have conversations with people instead of with his computer.
EdT82SC
Where's that wrench?

Registered: Jun 2003
Location: Irvine, CA
Posts: 1027 !!!!!!!!

Hey, I've been a Pelican Head for over 3 years. It's not like I have over 10K posts or anything.... Not that there's anything wrong with that. ;)

Just kidding!

I think that the analysis is incorrect. It seems to me that the missile cannot know where it is by knowing where it isn't... it can only calculate where it is by knowing where it isn't. From that calculation, it can also calculate where it was, and where it should be. Of critical importance, therefore, is always making sure your missile knows exactly where it isn't.

I met with a friend for drinks the other evening. At one point he says to me, "I bet when you took your wedding vows that you didn't realize the 'til death do we part thing was not a promise... It's really more of a goal than a promise."

It tied in nicely with a program I watched on television last night. The wife asked the huband, "What will happen to you after I die?" To which he replied, "With any luck, I'll be acquitted!"

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."
Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

"BEST D*MN DIVORCE LETTER EVER WRITTEN"

Dear Connie:

I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking.

Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.

Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie. " I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at 'Hooters' and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.

What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before.

I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean?

Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.

Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.

And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general.

She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing tequila Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.

And then it turns out your little sister Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you?

It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the f*cking remote is.

Your Loving Ex-husband,

Dan

(Sorry mods if this goes too far)