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Subject: Sharing
He ordered one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered.... (This is great) "THE TEETH." |
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian if she has any books on suicide.
She says "F*** off, you wont bring them back!!!" |
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I hope this hasen't been around here yet but o'well here goes....
remember Cliff Clavin in Cheers, well Cliff was explaining to Norn the Buffalo Theory, it goes like this: Well ya see, Norm, its like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular comsumption of beer eliminates the weakest brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. |
not that I want to kill the thought about drinking but here are some famous words from notable people.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. ~Frank Sinatra Beer is proof tha God loves us and wants us to be happy. ~Benjamin Franklin When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven. ~Brian O'Rourke |
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WARNING
Send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list! If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now! |
Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, smack his butt again" |
A teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy." So, the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Jesse Jackson, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted one. "That's that we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice, he says: "If a jet carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson. "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either." |
Avian Flu
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever 2. Congestion 3. Nausea 4. Fatigue 5. Aching in the joints 6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield. |
What does FIAT stand for?
(in any accent) Found In A Toilet! |
Quote:
All his friends decided it meant "Fix It Again, Tom." |
Fix it again, Tony.
(Italian sports car...) ;) |
What does a blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have black boxes. |
I am We Todd Did
I am Sofa King We Todd Did..... |
THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10". The hillbilly said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. |
Why you should never question a drunk...
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of skim milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly." |
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday. |
What follows is a transcript of The Editors' regular Saturday-night poker game with Dick Cheney from a 6/19/04 game. The tape starts at 12:32 AM.
The Editors: We'll take three cards. Dick Cheney: Give me one. [Sounds of cards being placed down, dealt, retrieved, and rearranged. Non-committal noises, puffing of cigars.] TE: Fifty bucks. DC: I'm in. Show 'em. TE: Two pair, sevens and fives. DC: Not good enough. TE: What do you have? DC: Better than that, that's for sure. Pay up. TE: Can you show us your cards? DC: Sure. One of them's a six. TE: You need to show all your cards. That's the way the game is played. Colin Powell: Ladies and gentlemen. We have accumulated overwhelming evidence that Mr. Cheney's poker hand is far, far better than two pair. Note this satellite photo, taken three minutes ago when The Editors went to get more chips. In it we clearly see the back sides of five playing cards, arranged in a poker hand. Defector reports have assured us that Mr. Cheney's hand was already well advanced at this stage. Later, Mr. Cheney drew only one card. Why only one card? Would a man without a strong hand choose only one card? We are absolutely convinced that Mr. Cheney has at least a full house. Tim Russert: Wow. Colin Powell really hit a home run for the Administration right there. A very powerful performance. My dad played a lot of poker in World War II, and he taught me many things about life. Read my book. TE: He's extremely good at PowerPoint. But we would like to see the cards, or else we can't really be sure he has anything to beat two pair. We don't think he would lie to us, but ... well, it is a very rich pot. Jonah Goldberg: Liberal critics of Mr. Cheney's poker hand contend that "he doesn't have anything." Oh, really, liberal critics? Cheney has already showed them the six of clubs, and yet these liberals persist in saying he has "nothing." Why do liberals consider the six of clubs to be "nothing?" Is it because the six of clubs is black? Matt Drudge: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE**** *****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT***** The Drudge Report has learned that Dick Cheney has a royal flush, hearts. Developing ... TE: Perhaps if you could just show us a subset of your cards which beat two pair? Or tell us exactly what your hand is? DC: We will show you our cards after we have collected the pot. It is important that things be done in this order, otherwise the foundation of our entire poker game will be destroyed. TE: We aren't sure ... DC: Very good. And here are my cards. A straight flush. Judith Miller: Dick Cheney has revealed a straight flush, confirming his pre-collection claims about beating two pair. TE: Those cards are of different suits. It's not a flush. Mark Steyn: When will it end? Now liberal critics complain that Dick Cheney's cards are not all the same suit. Naturally, these are the same liberals who are always whining about a lack of diversity in higher education. It seems like segregation is OK with these liberals, as long as it damages Republicans. MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE**** *****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT***** A witness has come forward claiming that The Editors engage in racial profiling in blog-linking. Developing ... TE: Wait! It's not even a straight! You've got a eight and ten of hearts, a six of clubs, and the seven and five of diamonds. You have a ten high. That's nothing. Sean Hannity: Well, well, well. In another sign of liberal desperation, liberals now complain that a ten high is "nothing." Does ten equal zero in liberal mathematics? That would explain a lot. Robert Novak: It's a perfectly valid poker hand. Apparently, liberals have never heard of a "skip straight." It's a kind of straight, just with one card missing. But if you skip around the missing nine, it's a straight. Alan Colmes: Mother says I mustn't play poker. TE: There is no such thing as a "skip straight." Brit Hume: It seems like some people are still playing poker like it's September 10th. Back then, you needed to have all your cards in order to claim a straight. But, as we learned on that day, sometimes you won't have perfect knowledge. Sometimes you have to learn to connect the dots, and see the patterns which are not visible to superficial analysis of the type favored by the CIA and the State Department. Dick Cheney's skip straight is a winning poker hand for the post-9/11 world. Rush Limbaugh: Do The Editors have two pairs, or a pair of twos? First they say one thing, then another. What are they hiding? Andrew Sullivan: Dick Cheney never said he had a straight. He was very careful about this. His cards can form many different hands. None of these hands alone can beat a pair of twos; but, taken together, the combination of all possible hands presents a more compelling case for taking the pot than simply screaming "Pair of twos! Pair of twos!" as unprincipled liberal critics of the Vice President so often do. MD: ****DRUDGE REPORT EXCLUSIVE**** *****MUST CREDIT THE DRUDGE REPORT***** Did The Editors claim to have "a pair of Jews?" Are they anti-Semites as well as racists? Developing ... Zell Miller: As a lifelong liberal Democrat, I believe Dick Cheney, and I hate liberals and Democrats. William Safire: Why are liberals so obsessed by Dick Cheney's poker hand? The pot has been taken, the deal is done. If liberals are upset that we are no longer playing by the Marquis of Queensbury patty-cake poker rules, they clearly lack the stomach to play poker in the post-September 11th environment. And why do they never complain about Saddam Hussein's poker playing, which was a thousand times worse? Christopher Hitchens: The Left won't be happy until the pot is divided up equally between Yassar Arafat, Osama bin Laden, and Hitler. Orwell would have seen this. Ann Coulter: Why do liberals object so strenuously to the idea of conservatives having a "straight?" Perhaps because it doesn't fit in with the radical homosexual/Islamist agenda they hold so dear? Report of the Bipartisan Commission on Poker Hands: There is no such thing as a "skip straight." DC: I have access to poker rules that the Commission doesn't, and so I know for a fact that the cards in my hand are all intimately connected. My deal. |
some dude is driving on the authbahn in his 2-CV
http://www.photo.net/philip-greenspu...n-2CV.half.jpg runs out of gas, and parks it on the hard shoulder Porsche stops, drivers asks the guy if he needs help ends up towing the 2cv to the nearby fuel station almost there, a Ferrari zooms by without much thought about the 2cv , the Porsche guns it chases down the ferrari , and closes the gap , speeds well above 200km/h Polizei headquarters get's loud shouting on the radio " HANS! alaaarm , zeree's a Porsche tailgating a Ferrari at zuperspeed, but that's not it , you'll never believe it , zere's a 2Cv chasing ze Porsche, flashing ze lights and honking ze horn to pass it !! " |
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache." His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot." The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you." |
A housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh.. immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" |
Friday Funnies…
A retired persons day:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Winchester Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a warden writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So I called him a piece of dog ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then, he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't give a sh$t. I came into town by bus! But I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age. ----------------- A young father is heading home from work one evening, looking forward to seeing his wife and kids. On a dark country road, he collides with a deer and kills it. Unsure of what what to do next, he decides to throw the dead deer into his car and to take it home with him. When he gets home he tells his wife and together they agree that the best thing to do is simply to skin it and prepare it for the evening meal. Later that evening, the kids sit down for dinner and ask their mother "Mummy, what is this?". She replies, "Just try it, you'll like it, it's nice". The kids ask again so their mother decides to give them a clue. "OK - It's got a name which is the same as a name Mummy sometimes calls Daddy". The youngest child jumps up, alarmed and shouts "don't eat it, don't eat it - its an arsehole!" ----------------- Friendship between women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship between men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there. |
Re: Friday Funnies…
Quote:
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A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear ... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" |
Q.) If you are watching the ball game with a few friends and your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging at you, what did you do wrong?
A.) You made her chain too long ;) Q.) Why do brides wear white? A.) the dishwasher should always match the refrigerator ;) Please don't tell my wife I said that........ |
Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied, "They're Carol's."
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How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your... |
Three elderly ladies were resting on a park bench mid-way through their afternoon stroll. As they were catching their breath, a man in a trench coat suddenly turned, opened his coat and flashed them! Two of the ladies immediately had a stroke. The third, who was feeble and unable to reach, had to content herself with looking.
Les |
Saw this on the 'net - a bit corny, but fun:
Can you raed tihs? I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! |
Then this farmer said: "I'm not worried about sellnpig anymore, it's not like it ****os."
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Dood, we need the first letter ;-)
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bump
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The Canoe Race
A German company and an American company decided to have a canoe race. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Germans won by a mile. Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and depressed. The American company decided the reason for their crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior executives was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. They discovered that the German had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. The American Management Team hired a consulting firm to assist in analyzing this data, happily paying their considerable fee. After six months of hard work, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering the Americans' boat, while not enough people were rowing. So the American Team acted: To prevent losing to the Germans again the following year, the team's management structure was totally reorganized, to include 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. In an all-out attempt to further provide empowerment and enrichment's to the rower, new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised in exchange for a victory in the next competition. The next race the Germans won by two miles. Humiliated, the American Management Team laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done. Note: This was already posted as it's own thread in the O.T. forum by someone else. :) |
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________________________________ "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,"So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________ A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex" He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________ ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" _______________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have the sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out! , "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _______________________________________ OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,"Herman, I j! ust heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Inters tate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" ______________________________________ DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could ! have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !! ---------------------------------------------- "If God is your copilot...change seats!" |
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes. She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Mastercard," he says. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50." |
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A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply: Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it." |
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