How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
 

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

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ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

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ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


.

What is the difference between light and hard?

A man can sleep with the light on.

I was walking through the city the other day and came upon an "Islamic Book Store."

Wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, I went in. As I was looking around, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. So I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "F**k off, get out and stay out!

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

How about a joke thread?
 

A teacher went around the classroom asking each kid to stand up and tell the class what their dad did for a living.
"my dad is a civil engineer who build bridges" ....."My dad is pharmacist who dispenses medications to sick patients"......."My dad is a police officer who prevents crimes" etc, All students spoke except for Bobby who kept silent.
Teacher: So Bobby what does your dad do for a living?
Bobby: my dad is dead.
Teacher: I am so sorry, but what did he do before he died?
Bobby: he turned blue and crapped on the carpet.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

One liners:
Great Quotes on Sex


"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods



"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."

Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro



"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams



"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers



Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin



You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.

Elmo Phillips


"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

An elderly woman who never married but made a fortune for herself finally decided she wanted the company of a man. She insisted he be close to her age, but had to be a virgin. She hired a team of investigators and matchmakers, and after months of searching, they had the guy.

He was a recluse in Australia, and after some discussions, agreed to meet the woman and they developed a relationship. After a few weeks, she popped the question, and he agreed to marry her. On the honeymoon, she excused herself into the bathroom to change, and heard some noise from the bedroom area.

When she came out, the old guy had moved all the furniture up against the walls and there was a large open space in the middle of the room. He was standing in the middle, stark naked and fully aroused.

The old woman could not believe what she was seeing..."What the hell are you doing?" she cried.

He responded, "Well, like I told your guys, I have never had sex with a woman, but if it anything like a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!"

Ano and Wayno were brothers up in da UP of Michigan. The Antilla brothers of Ishpeming. One was da volunteer fire chief but nobody really knew which one.

Anywho, dere was dis big fire up in Ishpeming. A rich guy's building was burning that had a lotta important drawings and contracts and stuff in it. All the fire departments from all over were fighting da big fire but losing the battle. The rich guy says, I'll give $10,000 dollars to whoever puts out this fire and saves my important papers!

Den allofasudden Ano and Wayno, the Antilla brothers of Ishpeming come racing down the road in their decrepit old fire truck. They crashed through the barriers and drove right into the middle of the huge conflagration.

With alotta yellin' and screamin' and who knows what all Ano and Wayno finally put out the fire and saved the papers.

After the fire, Ano and Wayno, the Antilla brothers from Ishpeming, were sittin on a log all exhausted and smokey and covered with soot so the local TV guy goes up to Ano and says, you are heroes, what are you going to do with the money?

Ano says I don't know, ask my brother Wayno here.

So Wayno looks up and says, well da first ting were gonna do is fix da ****ing brakes on dat ****ing truck!

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

First off, I am or will be okay. I had a terrible accident today, but I am doing better now. I decided to go horseback riding, which I haven't done in a while because of the weather has been so unpredictable. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster, and then we were going as fast as the horse could go. All of a sudden I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank goodness the store manager at Target came out and unplugged the carousel.

A foursome of male Street Rodders, all in their 40's, discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big
breasts and wore very short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the rodding buddies once again discussed
where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they
would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had
many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was
excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace,
and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for
lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because
the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the
disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters
because they had never been there.

"I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex," screamed the wife. "I'm really disappointed!"

"You can hardly blame me," answered the husband. "It's not like I was getting any sex from you.”

"Well that's your fault," she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it!”

Confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'


This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am.

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... For example...

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi, sweetheart," he says. "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
..........................

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

.............................

Man is asked at the hospital:

How tall are you?

5'8’’, doctor.

I’m very sorry, but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?


"Aye, Matey!"



(Or maybe it was "I'm eighty." Hehe, get it? Get it? Hehe.)

The teacher was trying to explain the vascular system to a class of elementary school students.

He posed the question, "If I stand on my head, all the blood rushes to my head. Why doesn't the blood all rush to my feet when I stand up again?"

Came the response from the back, "'Cause your feet aren't empty."


Best
Les