Glen, this one's for you - - an old one from my college days. :)
~~~~~~~
A salesman was given an assignment to attend a conference in Boston.
His associate, who was born there, suggested that he try the Scrod at a good restaurant.
"Scrod?", the salesman asked.
"It's actually Cod, prepared deliciously different.", replied the associate.
.
On the way from the airport to his hotel room, the salesman asked the cab driver, "Where can a fellow get scrod around here?"
The cabby said, "You know. I've heard that question a thousand times before, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

The Bull Fight
 

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Some Brit Humour
 

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals for the junior doctors in the National Health Service.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up."
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn't hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar$eholes in Whitehall.

Cheers
JB

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There were two nuns, One was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

New to thread, not sure if this is a repeat:

A blond speeding down the highway in her red convertible, gets pulled over by a cop who happen to be a blond female officer.

Ma'am driver license and registration !

The driver rummaged thru her purse: I can't find my license, help me out officer, how does it look like?

Ma'am it is rectangular with your photo in it.

The driver did some more digging and produced a small make up mirror and handed it to the officer! Who looked at it, and said:

Ma'am you can go, you could have told that you were a police officer yourself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

old dude.

Only in The South:

Fellow gets pulled over by police.
Police: Sir, you got an ID?
Fellow: About what?
:D

WHat do you get when you mix jelly and Flint, Michigan water?
Pb & J.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent leads.'

Good One.:cool:

CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE

1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s

2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage

3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through

4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do

5. EYEDROPPER
Clumsy ophthalmologist

6. CONTROL
A short, ugly inmate

7. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets

8. ECLIPSE
What an English barber does for a living

9. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money

10. HEROES
What a man in a boat does

11. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower

12. PARADOX
Two physicians

13. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm

14. POLARIZE
What penguins see through

15. PRIMATE
Remove your spouse from in front of TV

16. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring

17. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife

18. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does

19. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official

20. PARADIGMS
Twenty cents

Don't know if this one has been posted already, but I liked it.

A fellow bought a new Porsche and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Porsche," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer.

Here's a joke for you .
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1455915775.jpg

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night. One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do." Sitting a couple of stools down, two old blokes overheard the conversation. One looks over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her son. That'll put a stop to that stuff."

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Anal sex is like spinach; if you were forced to have it as a kid, you won't like it as an adult.

A couple of first year University of Jamaica room mates were discussing their courses.
One fellow says," Mathematics? I thought you said you were going to be a Marine Biologist?"
His new friend says, "No no! I said I was studying the Algebra."

Thank you. I'll be here all night. Try the veal.
Les