Two guys were walking across a field when they came upon a hole in the ground, about 2 feet around. They looked down and couldn't see the bottom. One guy threw a rock down the hole and they couldn't hear it hit bottom. "That's a mighty deep hole," said one of them.

The other guy noticed an anvil nearby. He picked it up and dropped it down the hole. They never heard it hit bottom. Just then, a goat came running past them, fast as lightning, and jumped right down the hole without hesitation.

The two guys looked at each other in amazement when they heard someone calling, "Mabel! Oh, Mabel!" A farmer approached the guys and asked, "You fellas see a goat around here? Name's Mabel."

One of the guys said, " A goat just jumped down this here hole."

"That's impossible," said the farmer. "She was chained to an anvil."

Enjoying Music
 

Here is something that I have thought for a long time but could not express as well as does this picture!

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1497574035.jpg

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that weird hat you are wearing?”

The father said, “Why, it’s a ‘chechia’ because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun.”

“And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?” asked the young man.

“It’s a ‘djbellah’ because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body.” said the father.

The son asked, “And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, “These are ‘babouches”, which keep us from burning our feet in the desert.“

“So tell me then,” added the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why are you living in Boulder, Colorado , and still wearing all this ****?

Seashell..........
 

An attractive brunette got a seashell tattooed on her upper thigh. If you put your ear against it, you can't hear the ocean, but you can smell the fish!

Students at a local college were assigned to read two books,"Titanic" and "My Life" by Bill Clinton.

They were asked to do a book report and contrast the 2 books.

One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His professor gave him an A+

Titanic: Cost = $29.99
Clinton : Cost = $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica's.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica.. Ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary; basically the same thing.

Speaking of Kinders Eggs... Not a joke!!! Tourists get border surprise on trip home from Vancouver after trying to take ‘illegal’ Kinder eggs into the U.S. | National Post

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Three women are chipping up to the fourth hole at Old Course Ranfurly Golf Club when a nakedman wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees, runs to the back of the green and stands facing them from afar.

The ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first one says, 'He is definitely not my husband.

The second one gazes longingly at his package and says, 'He is not mine either,"

After a lengthy inspection, the third lady finally says, 'He's not even a member of this golf club."

A woman went to the doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

"Actually, yes I do," She answered.

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No, I rather like it," she responded.

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "There’s no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think people like Chuck Schumer, Nancy Pelosi, Elizabeth Warren, Barbara Boxster, Hillary Clinton, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and Al Sharpton came from?"

BAM!!!

Wha'd the blind guy say when passing the fish market?

Hello girls.

AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER ...
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

Will I Live to see 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am well past Seventy).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a ****?

Bubba, a furniture dealer in Georgia, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store. Although he had never traveled outside the U.S., he decided to go to Paris to get some ideas. After arriving he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Georgia. To celebrate the new acquisition he visited a small bistro and had a glass of wine. The small place was quite crowded, and he noticed that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she didn't speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate, he took a napkin, drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son....."Go get your mother.

CLEVER NUNS

There were two nuns, one was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past 38 ½ minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to violate us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in 1 minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened
to Sister Logical.Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast
as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. “Saul, I have some good news, and some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied:



“The pictures are of you and your secretary.”


:eek:

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

I approached her and said, "Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”

"Could you jack off for now?" she says. "I feel like crap. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime."

I had to let Jack go.

Bosses have to make the tough decisions!

This is why we need to hear the bad news first before the good ones; if bad news gets to go first, at least we don't have to worry about anything spoiling our fun, unless you find happiness in your own suffering. :D