Why do Mary Kay sales women walk funny? Because their lipstic....

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.

The easiest way to tell an alligator from a crocodile is to note whether you see it later or after a while.

Best
Les

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's
forthcoming wedding.

"Ach, it's all going grand," says Jock. "Ahve got everything organised
already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the
minister, even ma stag night...

Archie nods approvingly.

"Heavens, Ahve even bought a kilt tae be married in!" continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "that's braw, you'll look pure smart in that!

"And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."

Doctor tells male patient to take off clothes.
Doctors says an erection is totally normal.
Patient says I’m not getting an erection.
Doctor says I’m not talking about you.
Steve Sweeny

Q: How come a bicycle can't stand up by itself?

A: Because it's two tired.

I was going to tell a salt joke, but then I was like
Na, they aren't smart enough to get it.

GRANDSON: Why did the chicken cross the road?

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?
Francium.

Well, that's really just a sodium joke.
A salt joke is much more compound. ;)

sick^^^^
and sorry for the pun, but also in bad taste. :D

Friend #1: Hey, if you went on a camping trip, and woke up the next morning , with a used condom inside of your rectum, would you be inclined to tell anybody about it ?
Friend #2: No, way, too embarrassing , I would definitely keep that to myself
Friend #1: Wanna go camping ?

Last night it snowed....
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - My feminist neighbour asked me why I had not made a snow woman.
8:15 – I gave my snowman a sex change.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour then complained about my snow woman's large bosom saying that it objectified women everywhere.
8:20 - The lesbian couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and said that I should have made two snow women, so I made my snow woman a partner.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow individual with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot noses, as vegetables are food and not to be wasted to decorate snow figures.
8:28 – Black Lives Matter turned up and called me a racist because the snow couple were both white.
8:30 - I used food colouring to make one of the snow couple a different colour to be more racially inclusive.
8:37 – I was then accused of the even worse offense of applying black-face to a white individual.
8:39 - The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow women be dressed in burkas for the sake of their modesty.
8:40 - The police arrived and read out the list of complaints that had been made against me.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour returned to complain that the broom that the snow woman was holding should be removed because it depicted women in a purely domestic role.
8:43 - The local council Equality Officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 – A TV news crew showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow women. Jokingly, I replied, "Snowballs". The female news reporter denounced me as a sexist pig.
9:00 - I was on the TV news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 – The police asked if I had any accomplices. My children were then taken into care by Social Services.
9:29 – Far-left protesters, offended by everything I’d done, marched down the street demanding my arrest for hate crimes.
9:45 – By now the story was all over social media. My boss called and fired me because of the negative association with his company.
10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a freakin snowman

Joe goes on a 'singles' ocean cruise and supermodel Cindy Crawford is making an appearance. Ship hits a storm and sinks, Joe makes to a nearby island, and discovers he and Cindy are the only survivors. After a week or so of hoping for rescue, they agree to set-up house and become a couple. A few weeks later, he is depressed...

Cindy: What's the matter dear? You look down.

Joe: Well, I'm totally happy with our life together, but sometimes I miss my buddies.

Cindy: Well, how about I pretend to be one for you? I did some acting...

Joe: Really? That would be great! Okay, you pretend to be my buddy Ralph.

Cindy: Okay, let's see. "Um, so hey Joe, what's going on?"

Joe: Ralph! You'll never guess who I'm banging!

An older woman is begging her daughter to let her young son to come visit her in Miami Beach. The mom is reluctant, but the woman insists; "I'll watch him really close. You won't have to worry." So, she picks the kid up and they head out for a day at the beach. They are walking along, when a freak wave sweeps the boy out into the water. The woman cries, "Oh Lord, please give me back my grandson! I'll pray to you every day, and give more the church!" Another wave quickly washes the unharmed boy back on shore. The woman looks him over carefully, then arms folded, looks up to the sky and says "He had a hat!"

Why was there a smile on the snowman's face?

He saw the snowblower coming up the street.

Doctor: You have an enlarged prostate.

Patient: I'd like a second opinion.

Doctor shoves two fingers in.

Anybody know Yoda's last name?



Layheehoo!



I'm here all week.