Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The
walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in
the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous
24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son..."Go get your mother."

Guy walks into a Drs' office and says,

"Doc, I think I'm a moth."

"What?"

"You heard me, I think I'm a moth."

"Ahhh, I think you want the psychiatrists' office down the hall."

"I was on my way there but I saw your light was on."

A panda walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter walks over to tell the panda he'll be with him in a moment. The panda starts to complain about the service after the waiter walks away. The waiter comes back and gives the panda a menu and gets a drink. The panda starts complaining again about the slow service. The waiter comes back to take the panda's order. The panda thinks the food is taking to long so he complains louder this time so others can hear. The waiter doing the best he can rushes the food out to the panda. After the panda finishes the meal the waiter brings the check over. The panda looks at the check then stands up and shoots the waiter. As the panda is walking out one of the other patrons says "you can't do that", to which the panda replies " Oh yeah? look me up in a dictionary" When the police arrive and talk to witnesses the same patron explains the exchange they had. The officer goes to get a dictionary and looks up Panda. It reads "Panda: eats shoots and leaves"

Kinda butchered it but oh well.

PHARMACOLOGY

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also
calledamoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix and, of
course, Ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously, we can no longer call
this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails,"
"highballs," and just a good
old-fashioned "stiff drink." Pepsi will market the new concoction by
the name of "MOUNT & DO."

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.



"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."



Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.



Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it.



"This is fantastic", thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."



Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?



The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fit the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope.



The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."



"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottsman?



Mick Jagger screams "Hey you, get off my cloud!"


Scottsman screams "Hey McLeod, get off my ewe!"

This might be a repeat BUT, An Eskimo is driving along when his car breaks down. The mechanic tells him it's going to take an hour before he can look at the car. The Eskimo asks him if there's a good place to eat while he waits. The mechanic replies "The Seafood place across the road isn't bad." An hour later the Eskimo walks back and asks if the mechanic s discovered the problem. The mechanic says "it looks like you blew some seals" and the Eskimo,wiping the corner of his mouth, says "No, It's just tartar sauce"

A college professor noticed a cute coed in front row was eyeing him so he stopped her after class and asked if she wanted to go out. She said sure.

He picked her up at her apartment in his Porsche. As he left the apartment he peeled out. He took her to dinner and peeled out leaving every light and slid around every corner. From dinner to the movies, he drove the same way. As he pulled up to her apartment, the coed said, “Gee I be you’re hard on tires”

He smiled and looked at her and said, “Bet it doesn’t”

Might be a repost . . . if not, click the link. What are wives often think we do . . .

Car Sex

Ian

Gentle Hands...

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She
gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately Seductively signalled that he should bring his
face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the
manager?"

She asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him?

" She said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his
hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. Is there
anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing
him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, " there's no toilet paper, hand
soap, or paper towels in the ladies room

(Editor: The following is an article that actually appeared in an Irish newspaper in County Cork.)



A CORK radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet that could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.


DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"


Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."


DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"


Caller: "Goan ... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'."


DJ: "... You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"


Caller: "Goan f**k yourself!"


The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:


DJ: "96FM, what's your name?"


Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."


DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"


Caller: "Smee ... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'."


DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?"


Caller: "Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!"

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming."
What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Ikea have a new product - a bed for lesbians - its self assembly - but doesnt involve any screwing - its tongue and groove!

i went to the zoo yesterday and all they had was one small dog


it was a ****zu...

The schoolteacher asks the class "Can anyone use the colors green, pink and yellow in a sentence?" and little Pablo says "The phone goes "green,greengreen" I pink it up and say "yellow!"

It was Angela's 96th birthday party, and as she leaned over to blow out the candles on her cake and thought back on her long, long life, the children she'd given birth to, the man she had married and then sadly buried, she thought to herself, well no matter what at least I've grown old with dignity, then the nursing home attendant pointed out that her breasts were dipping in the trifle bowl again.

A teenage kid goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I had sex with a loose woman." The priest says "Was it Daniella Moretti?" The boy replies "I can't tell you her name Father". The priest asks "Was it Patty Buffalino?" the boy replies "Father I want to show her respect, I'm not going to disclose her name." The priest is starting to get angry"You have to tell me her name or I'm going to suspend you from Church, was it Maria Pincetti?" The boy says "Father I won't say who it was, I don't want to disgrace her." Fine!" says the priest "your forbidden to attend Church for the next 5 months!" The Boy walks outside and meets up with his friend. "What happened?" asks the friend. "Well" the boy replies, "I got 5 months vacation from Church and 3 good leads!"

As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the workshop manual.

Don't challenge an Indian...


Conversation between Baboo & his son.
Baboo: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride!"
Baboo: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Baboo approaches Bill Gates.
Baboo: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Baboo: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Baboo goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Baboo: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Baboo: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together.
They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute, small bears on a shelf, all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf, a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off....
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"











The guy says: (Keep scrolling)































"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."