The .....................

Gay. ..... not that there's anything wrong with that.

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a supermarket.
"I've lost my girlfriend," he tells her. "Can you stand here and talk to me for a few minutes?"
Puzzled, the woman says, "Sure, but I don't understand how that would help."
"Well, every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

The Sultan of Brunei was getting a bit cheesed off as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then, when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said,

"Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you".

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like an aeroplane".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him British Airways. Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him the QE2. Just before his son's eight birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, shall get for you."

His son replied, "Daddy, I would like something to watch films on".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him MGM Studios and their cinemas, where he watched all his favourite Western Movies. Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side.

"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you."

His son, who had caught the 'Western' movie bug, replied, "Daddy, I would like a cowboy outfit".

Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father went and bought him Motor Meister.

Two guys are sitting at the bar. One guy turns to the other and says"You look depressed, can I buy you a drink?" The second guy says "Sure, thanks. It's just that my sons 12th birthday is coming up and he was born with just a head. The little trooper has made it this far in life and he keeps such a positive attitude, I just wish there was something I could do for him." The first guy says "You're in luck. I happen to be a world renowned surgeon and I have been perfecting a technique where I take a head and attach it to a donor body. My success rate has been 90% and I'm sure your son would be an excellent candidate!" The father is so excited he rushes home from the bar and bursts thru the door and says " Son, I have a big suprise for your birthday!!!" The son looks at him and says "Geez Dad, not another f*cking hat!"

Puget Sound Joke
A blonde was feeling so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into Puget Sound.

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her teetering on the edge of the pier
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Listen, you've got a lot to live for.

I'm off to Europe in the morning and if you like, I can stow you away
on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day.

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added with a wink,


"I'll make you happy, and you can make me happy."

The blonde nodded "yes" through her tears. After all, what
did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a
lifeboat, along with blankets and food. From then on, every
night he brought her sandwiches, water, wine and fruit and
they would make mad, passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was
discovered by the Captain.

"What in the heck are you doing here?" the Captain demanded angrily.

I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.

"I get free food and a trip to Europe. Meanwhile (she says coyly)
he's taking advantage of me so to speak (wink, wink)."

"He sure as hell is, lady," the Captain said, "This is the
Bremerton ferry."

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Now THAT's funny.

yeah, that's a good one

what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

nothing, she's been told twice already.

A young couple is taking a walk in the country when a space craft lands in front of them. The door opens and 2 aliens exit. They explain to the humans that they are intergalactic college students doing a thesis on sex with other species in the galaxy, and if they would like to participate. Well the humans agree(in the name of education) and they pair off with the respective matches and retire to the woods. The alien man and earth woman get undressed and she notices his thing is about the size of a piece of rice. She explains that for all purposes , it was useless. The alien tells the woman to pull on his left ear. She does and it grows to a foot in length but still the diameter of rice. The woman announces that that is cute but........... With this the alien points to his right ear. The woman gives it a couple of tugs and poof, just like a ballpark frank it expands. Well they finish and go back to the space craft where the alien woman and human man are waiting having already finished. The aliens thank their human hosts and return to outer space. The couple return to their walk in silence. After a while the man asks "how was the alien man"? The woman explains that he was the best she ever had and that she was more than likely ruined for anyone else. Then she asked the man how his alien was to which he replied " uh she was ok she just wouldn't leave my ears alone"

THE CARDIOLOGIST


A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

Three Brazilian soldiers
 

Donald Rumsfeld gave the President his daily briefing, concluding with, "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff sat stunned at the display of emotion, nervously watching as the President put his head in his hands.

Finally, the President looked up and asked, "How many is a brazillion?"

haha! how many is a brazillion, that's hilarious!

Why God Created Menopause
 

With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently. Within days of being discharged from the hospital, her relatives came to visit.

"May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes passed before another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another fifteen minutes, they asked again and again the mother said no. Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when CAN we see the baby?"

"When it cries," she told them.

"When it cries? Why do we have to wait until it cries?"

"Because," said the old mother, "because I forgot where I put it..."

An elderly Italian man who lived in the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. He said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, You have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said, "Because of what you did, you were both in great danger. Two people together under those circumstances can be greatly tempted to act in the manner you described. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

======

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has four boys, four girls, and two grandchildren. He doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds." Then he went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then he leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Shouldn't that be a clown outfit?

Top 10 things a man would do if he woke up with a vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if he could really do a split.

7. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.

6. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes.

5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

4. Go to the gynecologist and ask to have the examination recorded on video.

3. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

2. Actually catch a buzz off one wine cooler.

And the #1 thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damn G-spot.


Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/shift herself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Discover the joys and challenges of boxers vs. jockeys.

And the #1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat #9.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.



The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"



The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."



The Arab shouted, "You idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"



"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"



The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.



The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?



"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother Won't let me in without a tie !!!!!!!!!!

THE NUN:

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO CHICAGO.

SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT
TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE
WHAT IT TELLS ME."

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL
INOUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU
ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES
THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS
SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND
AGAIN.

PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU
WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A
FIDDLE."

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A
MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN.

FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE
CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S
CASE,TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC.

SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING,
"THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN." BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE
WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE
A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO
BREAK WIND."

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER
BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE." BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE
MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING
TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE. SHE SAID
TO HERSELF, "THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME
OUT. IT READ,

"YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND
MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."