Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking one day. (It could happen!) Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world." The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world." So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified. Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world." Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world." Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The "iTit" will cost $499 to $599 depending on size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Big Joke? Hummmmm....
Nancy Pelosi...

brave men
 

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."

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Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife
is lying in bed reading.

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."

Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

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A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid
£400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want
to see how you live on £800 a year".

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head
of
lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of
bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at
her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE
THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up
the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?" the bartender says. "You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." says the pirate.

"Well, okay but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked the bartender.

"We were in another battle." replied the pirate. "I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, but I got fitted with a hook I'm fine, really."

Then the bartender asks, "So, what about that eye patch?"

The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up an d one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding, " said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird doodoo."

The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."

Rescued from page 5 !! :eek:

________________

A young man moved into a new apartment and went to put his name on his mailbox. An attractive woman came out of an apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.


She started talking to him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious she had nothing else on. Then she placed her hand on his arm and said: "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."


He followed her. Inside she let her robe fall. "What would you say is my best feature?" she asked.


He squeaked: "It's got to be your ears."


Astounded and hurt, she asked: "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes.


"How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"


He stammered: "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me."

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know *****?"

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.



Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."



A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands.



Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."



A voice from the front of the audience yells out...."Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!

I must say this thread is awesome!

Iv got a question that can be relavent here.
What do you guys say when people ask you if your porsche is fast or how it handles? Im always responding in hesitation because the answer is so obvious. I know there are some funny or sarcastic comments just waiting to be said but i have trouble thinking of what to say. Can anybody help me here?

Hey this is a Joke thread.......

So in that spirit I'd say to them:

"My car is fast enough..... but do YOU know what a porcupine's car and a Porsche owner have in common?"

Is it fast?

"It skips ten and goes straight from nine to eleven."
or just
"It goes to eleven."

"It made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs."

and from some Pelican somwhere in the past:
"It's ten pounds of whoop@ss in a five pound bag."

I had a guy ask me about the car in a grocery store parking lot. He asked what kind of groceries could I fit in it? I told him "Fast food".

My fav
 

Kills Bugs Fast

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue
needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best
friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything
together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll
him over." The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't
Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer
in, to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said,
"Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over
and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two *********s." "What? He had two *********s?"
asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say,
"There's Bubba with them two *********s."

National Geographic Finds First Politician

An archeological team, digging in Washington DC , has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1181430358.jpg

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Question:

What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer :

Princess Diana's death.

Question:

How come?

Answer :

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gates's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization.

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Three English gentlemen, bowler hats and brollies, sitting in the tube train doing the morning crossword.
One asks: " Does anyone know a four letter word with reference to a woman that ends in -unt."
"Sure" says one gent, " 'aunt' "
"Wonderful, thanks for the help", says the first gent
Across from them sits a priest. "Um, excuse me, does anyone have an eraser?"