man gets on elevator
pretty blonde says T.G.I.F
man looks at her and says S.H.I.T.
blonde thinks he did not hear her correctly says......T.G.I.F.
man looks at her and says S.H.I.T.
blonde says sorry you are having a bad day but I meant "thank gawd it's friday"



man says no bad day I meant, " sorry huney it's thursday" !!!

Stuttering cat


A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.



A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.



The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.



"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!



"That must've been scary", said the teacher.



"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say "Fock," the rottweiler ate him!"

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off .... Or I'll kick the ***** out of all of you !"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago."

2 boys are standing outside their Sex Education classroom after recieving their final grades. The first boy opens his up and says "Mrs. Johnson gave me a D." The second boy opens his report card and says "Damn, she gave me an F !" The first boy says "We should do something to get back at her." The second boy says "Yeah, lets go back in and kick her in the nuts!"

Reagan, Clinton and George W. Bush were all stuck in house in Kansas during a tornado warning.

One tornado approached very close to the house. Reagan stood up and said, "I'll handle this." He went to the window and yelled at the tornado, calling it an evil empire. The tornado passed by the house. Reagan sat down and said, "I made it go away."

Soon another tornado was reported in the area. Clinton called up Fema and laid up plans to help out anyone hurt by the tornado. He also invited a young girl named Dorothy to seek shelter with him in the cellar.

Shortly thereafter another tornado was sighted heading right for their house. All could see it right out the window bearing down on them. George W. Bush stood up and said, "I'll fix this." And he went over to the window and pulled down the shade.

Thom, I'm no moderator, but try to keep politics out of this thread, okay?

You're right - you're not a moderator..... and its not serious politics....

Besides, pwd72s, without political satire most American late night humor would be dead. Didn't Carlan say that??? Don't take any of it too serious, bro...

Ahhh hell....let's see, Ted Kennedy, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton were on a plane. 1st one engine failed, then another, and then.....

Or, "Bo Derek, you have sinned...."

Or, "OK Monica, you can go now...

Should I continue? C'mon guys, let's keep 'em non political...please!

I did think the Fema part was funny though.

Let's NOT limit the scope of jokes. FREE THE JOKES!

How do you get a Pittsburgh Steelers fan to stop drinking?

Slam the toilet seat down on their head.




Blonde goes to her gynecologist and asks "Dr, can I get pregnant from anal sex?"

Dr. says "Of course! Where do you think Browns fans come from?"

Good stuff!http://www.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/lol2.gif

Blond, brunette, and red head sitting in a Doctors office.

Brunette says "the Doctor told me I'm having a boy because we did it laying down"
Red head says "the Doctor told me I'm having a girl because we did it standing up"
The Blond starts crying.
The other girls say"now, now... what's wrong"
The blond says "I'm going to have puppies!"

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, get me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start soon."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, one more beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top! "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say 'hello' to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "Oh *****, it's started."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word Was ... CELEBRATE!"

A Russian and a redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal before the final match, the redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and Said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered "well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "that's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- this very moment."
His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his
all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?"
She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

10 Finkers

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.

He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole

and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2006 and Ive's got microsurgery

and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy

didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Old joke, but worth a try..

Husband comes home, bursts thru the door and exclaims "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!"

The Wife answers "Should I pack summer or winter clothes?"

Husband says 'I don't care, as long as you're out of the house by midnight!"