How about a joke thread?

[Racerbvd]

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally
slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"



My eyes lit up, and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all - right there on the kitchen table.



Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her
T-shirt still around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken.

[Flieger]

Hey, it is better than no lovin' at all.

[s_morrison57]

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full

[GH85Carrera]

Brian Sullivan


A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got
into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to
Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an
opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He
remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like
me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan,
he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian,
he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and
make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in
the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished
too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could
ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
F-----g' widow."

[Bill Douglas]

After
having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not
to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding
traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50
years earlier than the British".

One week later,
New Zealand's "Stuff" reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Jerusalem, Wanganui Kohi Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported
that he found absolutely bugger-all. Kohi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, New Zealand had already gone wireless."

[ckissick]

The computer programmer's wife asked him to go to the grocery store. She said, "Buy a loaf of bread. And if they have eggs, buy a dozen."

When the programmer came home with a dozen loaves of bread, his confused wife asked, "Why did you buy so much bread!?

He replied, "They had eggs."

[Heel n Toe]

My Grandpa once had a pig that was real smart. In fact he was so smart that my Grandpa came up with this idea of teaching it how to smoke a cigar. He then was going to take it up to his roadside vegetable stand and sell tickets to folks, so they could take a look.

I told my Grandpa that teaching a pig how to smoke a cigar would take forever. His reply:

“What’s time to a hog?”

[Bill Douglas]

The New 2012 Ford



Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bi tch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.

[Racerbvd]

Redneck Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would> fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison> steak.>
> But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic.
> And since it was Lent, they were forbidden
> from eating meat on Friday.

>
> The delicious aroma from the grilled venison
> steaks was causing such a problem for the
> Catholic faithful that they finally talk ed
> to their priest.
>
> The Priest came to visit Bubba, and
> suggested that he become a Catholic.
>
> After several classes and much study, Bubba
> attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled
> holy water over him, he said, 'You were born
> a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you
> are a Catholic.
>
> Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved,
> until Friday night arrived, and the
> wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled
> the neighborhood.
>
> The Priest was called immediately by the
> neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's
> yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to
> scold him, he stopped and watched in
> amazement.
>
> There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle
> of holy water which he carefully sprinkled
> over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz
> born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now
> you is a catfish.
>

[GH85Carrera]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Miller Lite stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Miller Lite, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Rusty Heap]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the
dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the
receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any
testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever.

The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out
thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook its
head and barked.

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few
moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As
had its predecessors, the cat sadly shook its head and meowed. It then
jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian then handed the man a bill for $600.
The dog's owner went beserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it wouldn't be $600 but would have been $50, but with the Lab report and the cat scan…………..."

[Hawkeye's-911T]

Extreme Idiots Compilation

Cheers
JB

[Lothar]

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?

A: Because their worth it.

[Joe Bob]

Originally Posted by Lothar

Q: Why are divorces so expensive?

A: Because their worth it.

Old one....and has been posted before....but MY answer is because it's better than the death penalty.....

[GH85Carrera]

Louisiana State Police had received numerous reports of illegal cockfights being held in the area around Abbeville and had sent their famous Detective Boudreaux from Thibodeaux to investigate.

Boudreaux promptly began his investigation and then reported to his Commander the next morning.

"Dem be tree main groups involve in dis rooster Fightin", he began.

"Good work! Who are they?" the Commander asked.

Boudreaux replied confidently, "Dem Texas Aggies, dem local Cajuns fum Bayou Teche, and dem Mafia from N'awlins".

Puzzled, the Commander asked, "Now Boudreaux, how did you find all that out in one night?"

"Well," he replied, "I went down and done seen dat rooster fight in person.
And I knowed immedjiately dat dem Aggies was involved when a Duck was entered in the fight."

The Commander nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?"

Boudreaux nodded knowingly, "Well, I knowed dem Cajuns was involved when sumbody bet on de duck!"

"Ah, I see, I see....." sighed the Commander "And how did you figure the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

[shbop]

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one.

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Rob Channell]

Q: What is the longest sentence in the english language?

A: "I do."

[GH85Carrera]

Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh

His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -------------------------------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I see you smiling ... There ya Gogh!

[BE911SC]

Once upon a time, an airline pilot asked a beautiful princess, "Will you marry me?"

The princess said, "No!"

And so the airline pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and banged skinny long-legged big-titted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey and Captain Morgan and never heard bi*ching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

[GH85Carrera]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club........................ (takes a breath)............. and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.