Liberace, Lou Reed and Wayne Newton......

Lou kept saying "I gotta get outta here", Wayne said, "I'm really NOT gay"....Libby, said...."where's that damned goat".....

The goat exclaimed....

I don't want it shaved!"
and then Lou Reed and Liberace started singing a duet version of Venus in Furs which made the Goat feel better although it did nothing to convince him about the shaving, but Wayne Newton had completed one side so the goat thought it best to let him finish. It was then that the Dagenham girl pipers arrived with the............

electric hedge clippers....they decided to carve USC #1 on the unshaven side of the goat....

the dull clippers crudely cut a swath across the small goats fine belly hair as the smell of toasted animal hair wisped the room, the hair almost melting from the dull action of the rusty trimmers. Then as is tradition the USC alumni reached into their pockets and raised their M/B SUV keys high above their heads, shaking them wildly to create the tamborine like rocus that frequently displays a true respect for wealth and material gains. The noise was too much and the poor goat became skittish....

Out of the shadows jumped the "Navy Guy" from the Village People.

"Hey, that's MY boyfriend" he exclaimed.....

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1104342569.jpg


Pulling a rusty saber out of.....

...a threadbare carpetbag with sentimental value he went berserk. That had been a hard one to explain to the police.

Happy days! But now Juan needed to put his Elvis suit on and sort things out with Quinlan, they had a world to conquer. A Paris Hilton to ravish, Orvis to reform and most important......................

So out of reach. The clippers dug deep and blood flowed. Soon the flies would smell the sweet scent of heme. Orvis and Quinlin looked at Juan to try to find a reason way they should tell him the sorted facts about his heritage. The choice was made. The mighty midget spoke first but not last. “Juan, you have been well to serve as you have, disappointments abound for your lack of ingenuity in absconding the required bacon grease but that is neither here nor there. It is time that you understood who you are. As you know, Pastor Pete is an avid collector of locks of hair. We were able the robed newt several ripe turnips and a bag of broken promises for a lock of Elvis’s hair. Orvis ran a DNA test against a sample you supplied inadvertently.”

“What sample? I never gave a sample? Juan barked, scared like a child on the verge of understanding the truth about Santa and the Easter Bunny.

“A sample of pearl jam you dispensed inside of Missy – of the Missy / Chrissie duet. Your seed was taken from her neither mentionable buy way of a turkey baster.” Quilin said coolly, calmly and matter-o-factly.

“What are you saying? Was there a match? Am I the King’s loin product or not! Juan screamed. His face was a fiery bright red. Beads of sweat began to form on his forehead. He began to shake. First from the inside out, then from the out side in, then he just shimmied a little and his feet started a simple little dance that was reminiscent of a River Dance piece that PBS outlawed. The others looked on rather curiously at first.

“The sample from your happy shot, when compared to the sample provided by the Pastor Pete hair lock proved that there is a 1 in 1,000,000,000,000 chance that you are not his offspring, now mid you in an infinate universe there are infinate possablities but what the heck – welcome to the fold my boy!” Orvis said with his arms spread open. Accepting the new rightful owner of a pink caddy and a…

Swedish death metal band. Orvis looked on in awe. There was his new swedish death metal band. His own entourage able to sacrifice goats and bust out insane metal riffage at his command. Orvis could hear it now and picture the ....

...image of Napoleon Dynamite rocking out to the sweet licks while nailing an awesome jump on Pedro's bike...

Juan turned to Quinlan and said "I hate modern metal, it all sounds the same, let's go get a beer."
"Right you are, matelot, have you heard what the goat did in Hicksville with.........................

"Heard about it? I was there! The most disgusting thing I ever stood still for. It was three days before I could eat without puking my guts out and it took me a week to wash the smell away."

"Say, isn't that the same koolaid man on the corner? It is. It's payback time!!!! Lets......................

rock his world like he has never experienced before! I'll start and you join in. The first thing we'll do is.....

steal some whiskey and get tore-up and then pass out in the hot sun and then ...

figure out how we got tossed in jail again......geezus, this jail cell looks familiar.....damnation, see that mark? We were here last month!

Oh oh.....there's Ben Dover, the jail house welcome wagon......is that really.....

...Martha Stewart with a spatula and egg beater? Maybe SHE can give us a recipe for chocolate pudding that doesn't require....

pudding OR chocolate. Just prunes, raisins and.....

Tossed salads - ah yes, those crazy months in the sub. Things always got a bit crazy when we went under the polar ice caps. Aside from the steam leaks, about the only thing a guy needed to fear was...

pulled head studs.

The End.

References & Acknowledgements: