When grief runs things

[WOODPIE]

I was flipping around the TV after dinner, and came upon a program, it was on PBS, about a woman who took her little dog around to hospitals and hospices and such, to visit with the elderly, ill, and infirm. It was an unlikely dog for such a task, a black and white Shih-Tsu, but it did it's job of giving comfort perfectly well. The program showed visits with scores of afflicted, mostly elderly, as I said, each circling the drain in their own fashion. The dog had a calm demeanor, never really even wagging its tail, but happy to take treats from the patients and wander around on their sick-beds, exchanging looks more timely than words and more valuable than cure.

So I'm watching all this, thinking, "Well, isn't that a nice thing to do for folks," when my wife blurts out, "You need to change that GD channel or I'm going to the bedroom to read. I can't stand to hear all that."

Well, to be honest, I knew right away what she was getting all upset about, and maybe deep down inside me I was running a test of sorts, for my own benefit, as I watched this otherwise innocuous show. My father-in-law passed away about eighteen months ago, losing his battle with cancer and renal failure. We made many, many trips to his bedside during that time, and have visited his grave a gracious plenty since.

Some of you might not see a problem here, but I do. I don't think she is in denial, or anything like that, but I suspect she is getting pleasure from the pain, if you know what I mean. Or am I a cold-hearted SOB?

This was her first loss of a close family member, and that might account for some of it, but, if so, I dread to think of her mother's passing, who she is even more emotionally tied to. As for myself, death has been always there, from a very young age, so I'm sort of "over it". Family comes, family goes.

Anybody else here have a wife with unwanted emotional baggage? How long should I be expected to avoid death-bed scenes on TV?

Ed

Oh, yeah....

[island911]

Originally posted by WOODPIE
. . .I suspect she is getting pleasure from the pain,. .. ..

Not likely . . . you cold-hearted SOB!

Watching a loved one die is bad enough. Add the 'in the hospital' element . . -- f'ing obscene.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

You must be a girl. The only people I know who like to watch sad stuff on TV are women.

They all watch stuff like "The Jane Smith Story--One Woman's Fight Against Terminal Pituitary Gland Overactivity and Her Subsequent Growth to Epic Proportions Before Exploding" and such crap on Primetime and 20/20.

Now, men? We like comedies and blowing ***** up. That's it. Oh, and T&A.

That must be why your wife is pissed. She just realized you're a girl.

[id10t]

When my dad died (he had ALS and had a massive heart attack) I beat the ambulance to the hospital. I also happened to work at the hospital, so I got the "pleasure" of seeing him brought off the ambulance and worked on for close to an hour. This was almost 10 years ago.

To this day, I cannot watch the CPR scene from "The Abyss" and I have a hard time watching anything with Patrick Steward (Cpt. Picard from star trek) in it since he is the spitting image of my dad. I also have this strange desire to call him and let him know when good racing is on TV...

In short, she'll learn to live with it...eventually.

[Sarah]

For what it is worth....I have learned that everyone grieves in their own way at their own pace.

My dad, a brother and several others close to me have passed away. I have a very large family and can tell you that everyone seemed to deal with it in a different way with a variety of feelings and emotions that may be a factor of that caused / lead up to the death and the person's relationship (good or bad) to that person.

Maybe your wife would consider joining a group for grief counseling to help her deal with everything she is trying to process.

Good luck......Sarah

[Moneyguy1]

At my age, most people have lost parents, friends, even sometimes a child. Most people "get over it". Some never do, holding on to something I cannot even identify.

Some feel true loss and some, believe it or not suffer from simultaneous relief and guilt. Relief that "their" ordeal is over and guilt because they feel that way.

Death is a normal part of living. It comes in many ways; my dad a massive coronary in the back seat of the car; my mom from dementia. Friends (brother-in-law)in accidents where I was the one who had to make the ID. When my time comes, if I am hospitalized for a long time, I hope two things: That friends and family treat me just as they always did, not fawn, get upset or refuse to visit because they "want to remember me as I was", and second that there is a nice person with a little dog so I can take pleasure in a simple lick on a cheek.

My Dad, years ago, gave me this piece of wisdom>

People weep at funerals for one of two reasons:

1. For all the things they once did with the deceased and will never be able to do again

2. For all the things they could have done and never did.

Your choice.

[Moses]

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[Burnin' oil]

Blue, I appreciated your response - properly callused and cold. But then I remembered your whining about a cat with kidney problems, a fungible cat that should be shot and replaced. What gives? Your emotional inconsistencies suggest that perhaps you are a girl as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that . . .

[M.D. Holloway]

Everyone's got baggage - some of it is in good shape and often used. I use my Moms death from time to time to get some sympathy!

Others have baggage that is never used and hidden because it is torn or in bad shape. That maybe the case with your wife.

Others have lost baggage that they forgot they have. They only relize it when they see the same bag pop up on baggage claim while waiting. Thats the worst - that could be a girl friend that was abused and she pushed it out to forget.

I think your wife has to put some duct tape on her baggage and use it for once rather than tuck it away. Bad experiences are painful if you make them that way. Use them positively somehow and the ill affect gets negated. It all depends on how you choose to understand it or rationalize it.

Or, shoot a bunny with a pancake on it's head! They make for good eat'n...

[BlueSkyJaunte]

Originally posted by Burnin' oil
Blue, I appreciated your response - properly callused and cold.

I'm callused and cold? I'm not the one "testing" my wife 18 months after her father died.

[sundaypunch]

On one level I'm sure the show brings her painful memories of her fathers battle with cancer. On another level, who wants to watch a show with sick old people being licked by a tiny dog? I'm not grieving a lost loved one but my wife would lose her remote control privlidges if that show was on for more than a few seconds.

[pwd72s]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by WOODPIE
as I said, each circling the drain in their own fashion.

Or am I a cold-hearted SOB?

Haven't figured it out yet? ALL of us are circling the drain. Some are only going to go down it sooner than others.

And yes, you're a cold-hearted SOB. I suppose it takes one to know one...

[WOODPIE]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts....I think they are all well considered reactions to my original post, including those questioning my manhood and my mother's marital status. I can honestly see how a couple things I said could sound cold-hearted and SO*****y. And I do like Shania Twain's "I Feel Like a Woman"; it's got a good beat and is easy to dance to. How-and-someever, I think the callous sound of what I said is more attributable to my own "black (gallows) humor." Humor is hard to convey to strangers in the written word sometimes, without using emoticons, and I sort of hate those, and use them sparingly. Maybe I need to rethink all that.

Yes, I was testing my wife 18 months after her father died. It makes no sense that I should feel like I am walking on eggshells when something comes up in the general day-to-day to remind us both of our loss. I am guilty. I wanted to know just how far she has come in her grieving.

But here is a funny permutation of my wife's emotional associations. Some of her favorite TV shows routinely show the sick and the dead, and, afaIk, she's not bothered at all! Does her most-human mind tell itself, "This is a work of fiction, and I choose to not let it upset me." As opposed to, "This is a documentary concerning people I don't now, or will ever, know personally. I will shed tears." Huh?

Sarah, you know, that is a really good suggestion, and a good idea. I've spent time in group myself, and there are benefits to be had from it. My Suz is a pretty rough-and-ready, independent sort, and I can't envision her in group for a problem she prefers to burden on her own. But maybe...

Finally, back to that program that made my wife yell at me......
As much as I could gather in the few minutes it was on, this woman and her dog were on the island Manhatten on 9-11, pretty close to the towers. As she joustled her way through and with the chaos, dog in her arms, she was often stopped by soot-and-smoke covered people, who five minutes earlier were running for their lives, but at this point wanted nothing more than to hold and pet a small bit of life and love. This is what inspired her to begin visiting hospitals and such. That is what the story was. It wasn't about my wife's daddy.

Thanks


Ed

[Moses]

Woodpie. She's working it. That doesn't mean she is evil, but she's working it.

In terms of interpersonal relationships, men tend to be stupid and women tend to be disingenuous. That's just the way it is. Get over it and move on. She feels the need to work you a little bit. Let her. Doesn't mean you're a tool or she's a b!tch. It is what it is.

[Moneyguy1]

Fer crying out loud...Let it go!!!!! Working on it? If 18 months have gone by and she still feels so strongly, some counseling is required because of pent up feelings!!

Why do people hold on so long to things, especially dead things?

It has to be guilt. I cannot think of any other reason.

Of course, it's late and I am really beginning to think that most of us are petty and so concerned with how things affect us that we are too busy to look at the bigger picture. (The following number is on the safe side) In 150 years everyone on the planet at this moment will not longer exist. Accept it.

I also sense a fear in some posters of being old. Maybe that's why there are "nursing homes". Out of sight out of mind. We took care of my Mom until she required 24 hour attention. Prognosis was 6 months or less. Her only surviving sister would not visit her in the home because "I want to remember her like she was". She lasted 4 months and besides my wife and I, only one of her other relatives (a niece) came to see her.

[sundaypunch]

Man, this is depressing. I'm going to stick to the threads about that kid from "Malcom in the Middle" when I drop by the OT forum.

[BlueSkyJaunte]

I prescribe more Grid Girls therapy for you young man!

Hmm...the phrase "physician, heal thyself" comes to mind....see ya over there.