Commandments Of The Garage

[Robert Coats]

From another board...

Commandments Of The Garage - By Matt Farr

1.The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.

2.The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.

3.Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.

4.Honor thy rags.

5.Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.

6.Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position.

7.Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends dropeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.

8.Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.

9.Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.

10.Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.

11.Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?

12.Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway.

13.Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.

14.Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.

15.Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.

16.Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air.

17.Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.

18.Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.

19.Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed.

20.A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand.

21.Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged.

22.Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.

23.I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

24.Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.

25.Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.

[Oh Haha]

That is hilarious!!!
My wife and I just had a "discussion" over the kiddie toys that seeme to be encroaching on my garage sanctuary. I do believe I won the "discussion".


Don't tell her I said that

[KevinP73]

Originally posted by Oh Haha
I do believe I won the "discussion".

I'll bet she let you think you won the discussion. The true cost of that victory will reveal itself later when least expected.
But you know your boys will there for you.

[Moneyguy1]

Time to build a backyard combination playhouse and storage shed.

[Oh Haha]

Thanks for the support , guys. One deal we had when we bought our house is that the garage is "mine". It isn't fancy but it is my workshop for the vehicles as I do 99% of my own maintenance. I can't stand clutter, in the house or out in the yard. We have a big shed that I keep most of the yard tools and whatnot in but even that now has been invaded by some blow--up pool thingy. I mean, how many toys does an 18 month old really need?

[Robert Coats]

You could toss all of the commandments but this one, and I'd still be happy...

23. I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

[KevinP73]

Originally posted by Oh Haha
I mean, how many toys does an 18 month old really need?

It depends.....boy or girl?

[kach22i]

Great rules, all seem to be true. However I've thrown out my big sheet of cardboard in favor of those foam rubber interlocking 2ft x 2ft floor tiles. You can knell on them too.

[Jared at Pelican Parts]

"23.I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage. "

Very true...

[Oh Haha]

I have a boy.

Air tools are great!!

I spoke to my wife today and we are going to compromise on the toys and where they are stored.
I love her so I am going to try this compromise thing.

[zymurgist]

Originally posted by Robert Coats
You could toss all of the commandments but this one, and I'd still be happy...

23. I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

In the immortal words of Tim Allen: Arrh arrh arrh!

I was pulling the engine and transmission from a friend's 914 last Saturday, and she marveled at the air compressor that I have for running my impact wrench. It's just a $400 Home Depot 60 gallon single-stage, but it does the trick. (I bought it because I needed a big tank for sandblasting on the Corvette project.)

We had the rear of the car waaay up in the air and she asked me how I ever expected to get the &*$^ lug bolts loose... I just grinned and picked up my I-R impact wrench. That sweet, sweet sound brought smiles to two faces that day.

[KevinP73]

Just an opinion but I think boys need more room for toys. Especially when they become motorized toys. I mean seriously, you need a ton of Barbies to fill a closet, and who needs a ton of Barbies?

[Dan in Pasadena]

I don't swim in OT waters often so I just found this old thread - classic. Thought I'd resurrect it and ad a commandment or two of my own:

- Placeth Not the pink handled hammer from thy inside-the-home, ahem... "tool kit," in the Man's Garage for it is a Holy Sanctuary of Manly utensils.

- Use Not the handle of a screwdriver or the side of a pair of pliers as a hammer lest the Man smite thee, hip and thigh.

[pwd72s]

Originally posted by KevinP73
Just an opinion but I think boys need more room for toys. Especially when they become motorized toys. I mean seriously, you need a ton of Barbies to fill a closet, and who needs a ton of Barbies?

Barbies??? Evren's girls don't need no stinking BARBIES! I send 'em hot wheels. They love making the boy cousin jealous with their hot wheels cars & tracks collection.

[cstreit]

Truer words were never spoken...

[nostatic]

Originally posted by KevinP73
I mean seriously, you need a ton of Barbies to fill a closet, and who needs a ton of Barbies?

Tabs?

[Z-man]

Originally posted by Oh Haha
I spoke to my wife today and we are going to compromise on the toys and where they are stored.
I love her so I am going to try this compromise thing.

**cough** hen pecked **cough**

Let me tell you - when it comes to making decisions, especially in regards to MY garage - MY WORD is the FINAL WORD. My wife has NO SAY in MY FINAL WORD. That's right. When I put my foot down, she better be listening. And obeying MY WORD.

-Z-man.

Disclaimer: Please don't tell my wife I said that - I'd be in the dog house soo fast, I wouldn't know what hit me...

[Porsche virgin]

"21.Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stopeth for a beer when discouraged."

This happens every weekend at my house!