How the Grinch Stole Sturgis

[Jeff Higgins]

With Trailer Week now over in Sturgis, I thought some of you might enjoy this classic. This has been around for years; circulating under "author unknown" in many versions. Well, its author finally stepped forward with his original version, written in 1994 for a now defunct biker rag. This take on the Grinch does the best job I have ever seen of describing the demise of Sturgis; formerly the best bike rally going.

How the Grinch stole Sturgis by Terry “Author Unknown” Roorda


Every tramp down in Scootville loved Sturgis a lot,
But the Grinch who lived just north of Scootville did not!

And so every summer for 53 years,
Amid a great thunder and crunching of gears,
The Tramps rode the Black Hills—those pagans and trolls
Like salmon returning again to their shoals.
And the Grinch would turn bitter as coffee turned cold,
And could not be approached, and would not be consoled.
The Grinch hated Sturgis! The whole Sturgis deal!
And if you’d ask why that’s the way he would feel,
Well, it could be his attitude wasn’t just right,
Or it could be his truss bound his buttocks too tight!
But I find that the likeliest reason of all
May have been that his balls were two sizes too small!

But whatever the reason—his truss or his balls—
The Grinch hated Sturgis, flat hated it all.
Flat hated those Tramps with their swaggers and airs,
And hard miles of pavement that showed in their stares,
Of storms in the mountains and wind on the plains,
Of wrenching on roadsides in pouring down rains.
He hated those chicks with their pectorals bare,
And their T-back bikinis and tattoos like Cher!
He’s seen all their pictures at home in his chair,
He’s read Easyriders and wanted his share!
Yes, the very word Sturgis sent Grinch on a tear,
But what irked him the worst was he couldn’t be there!
The Grinch cried to the sky, “Am I really to blame?
Can I help being frightened by rides in the rain?”
And he moaned and he whined, “Must I shoulder this shame? ”
And he grumbled and scoured his cowardly brain
Until inspiration, at last, to him came:
“I could trailer the bike! Why, it’s almost the same!”

And thusly encouraged he returned to his town,
And called to the Trailer Trash,“Gather ye round!
For I’ve had an epiphany! Brothers, take note:
You can trailer a bike, like you trailer a boat!
We’ll park out on the outskirts, offload the machines,
And pretend that we rode in from, say, New Orleans!”

So the Trash loaded trailers and cried, “What a hoot!
We’ll dress just like bikers in leathers and boots!
Festoon them with conchoes and feathers and such!
So what do you think? Is this eye-patch too much?”

And they dialed up the AC, and punched in the cruise
Voila! Now to Sturgis, without the abuse
The abuse that two wheels are rumored to give!
No, we live to trailer! And trailer to live!
The Trash swarmed to the Black Hills, Their purpose well-focused:
To drown the small town like a plague of caged locusts!
To balloon the run’s turnout to three hundred grand!
Till the few real bikers had nowhere to stand!
And the Grinch grinned and giggled to see what he’d done
Now Interstate 90 looked like 101!

Now those Tramps out of Scootville were not so dim-witted,
They saw who was there, and they saw who there fitted!
So one said to the Grinch, “Who are you foolin’, Jack?
Your jeans reek of Downy! Your scoot’s too immac!
You’re spoiling our party with trailer poseurs!
What’s the name of your outfit? Satan’s Chauffeurs?”

But the Grinch grumbled back, “Now it’s our party, too!
We invited ourselves, just like you did to you!
Just show me the sign that says only some bum
Who rides motorcycles is welcome to come!
And we’ll load up our trailers and start our RVs,
And head for Laconia or Daytona Beach!”

Now the Tramp out of Scootville was taken aback;
No such sign existed—had ever, in fact!
Such things were unspoken—all part of the lore—
No such sign had ever been needed before!
The Tramps had to concede and withdraw from the field,
The Grinch and his ilk were unwilling to yield,
And flooded down Main Street of Sturgis by night,
And by day lined the highways in lines out of sight!

The Tramps knew the end of their era was nigh,
And a breeze blew among them—a general sigh.
Their spirits were trampled, a mist filled their eyes,
Until suddenly someone yelled, “Wait! Here comes Clive!”
And the Cycle Lord moved through the bikers downcast,
And boomed, “Cheer up,Brothers! We’ve not seen the last
Of our noble degenerate lifestyle pass!”

And Malcolm popped open a cold can of beer,
And stared at the Grinch with a leer and a sneer!
He shook his head slowly and hacked his throat clear!
Then preached Brother Malcolm, “That’s not why we’re here!
It’s not for the pin or the patch or the gear!
It’s not for the babes with the tits out to here
—(OK,maybe the babes—ahem, and the beer!)
See, the Sturgis we love doesn’t happen in town,
Isn’t drag pipes and paint jobs, or pulling tops down!
The Sturgis we love, friends, is always around!
It’s the sunset you saw from a bike broken down!
It’s the story you tell of the hail in Cheyenne,
The dust storm in Julesburg, the chill in Montan!
This town serves as only a place we all go
To tell all those stories to people who know!
To tell those road tales of deluge and drought
To crazies who know what we’re talking about!“

And, yes, there are trailers, and more every year,
And guys who just ride under skies crystal clear,
And pull into town in a Jeep Wagoneer,
And the sign may say ‘Sturgis’…“
But they’ve never been here! ”

[304065]

That is an absolute freaking masterpiece. Bravo.

[speeder]

Yes, that's genius. Two thumbs up.

There is definitely a blood irony deficiency amongst modern Harley owners. Sturgis is about as real as Las Vegas, in fact they should just start having it there. More convenient, and better accommodations for the 300k "lone wolf/rebels" who are all dressed exactly the same w/ the same motorcycle, etc...

[Drago]

Better watch it there JH...yer' gunna make the 1%er's cry.

[Eric 951]

I don't "get" the entire Harley thing. I am not putting down anyone who enjoys Harleys, but a few weeks ago I ventured into the new Harley shop in town(very nice 2 floor facility) to inquire about tire tubes. What I was most shocked about was that over half the building was dedicated to clothing and "boutique" accesories. Then while attending "bike nights" with my buddies I notice the attitude of certain Harley owners. One of my buddies has an S&S groundpounder, the other has a Yamaha Royal Star. The S&S gets some respect (it should--the thing is fassst) but my buddies' Yamaha(which he has already logged close to 40K on) gets sneers. He bought the bike because it was what he could afford, and it has been stone-cold reliable, but I have seen guys in harley shirt/gloves/bandanna/vest with every surface of their bike covered in a chrome piece reading 'live to Ride" flat out comment "Piece of *****". I thought biking was about having fun on the open road, not putting down fellow enthusiasts.

[pwd72s]

Sounds like a Porsche Parade....

[island911]

Originally posted by speeder
Yes, that's genius. Two thumbs up.

There is definitely a blood irony deficiency amongst modern Harley owners. Sturgis is about as real as Las Vegas, in fact they should just start having it there. More convenient, and better accommodations for the 300k "lone wolf/rebels" who are all dressed exactly the same w/ the same motorcycle, etc...

No Denis; really, I think they will all still be way cool, trailered in to Sturgis . . . just as long as no Black BMW's ride in and park there.

[Jeff Higgins]

Trailers at Sturgis used to be worse than black Beemers at... never mind. Now they have taken over. The "boutique set" have very much moved in. Hell, they should just give the bikes away - kind of like a plant starter from the nursery. It will grow from there; these idiots spend more on chrome and "motorclothes" than gas and beer. H-D could make a fortune giving away bikes anymore.

Now that H-D has finally gotten their act together, it has been a very mixed blessing. When I started this game, you rode with tools and expected to use them. Big rides had a chase truck with tools, parts, and beer. We stopped regularly to dig into all three. Nowadays, the bikes are as reliable as any car. Any dip**** can ride one with no idea how it works.

I guess in the end that is really o.k., but it has changed the flavor of these big rallies forever. These people showing up for a "wild" time have NO idea what "wild" is when bikers get together. It would scare every single one of them back into their motorhomes.

[kycarguy 935]

Harley probably makes more money on "clothing and "boutique" accesories" then on the bikes themselves, kinda like Ferrari.

[motion]

I have a Harley Road King and enjoy it immensely. Its great at what it does - putt down the road at 45 mph to get me and my girl to the coffee shop or down PCH on a Saturday afternoon. I love it for that. I have other bikes for racing, touring and off-road. We usually ride around town with shorts and sandals and novelty helmets. We're putting at 45mph in a safe town, remember.

That said, I want nothing to do with the "typical" Harley types out there. The whole thing is rather disgusting. As others have said, they're all clones trying to get the same sort of gratification from their chrome trains and their "brothers".

And its getting worse... a few weeks ago I had to listen to 10,000 of them riding through Teton National Park while I tried to enjoy the beauty of the Tetons while camping. Instead, I had to listen to most of them with straight pipes stinking the place up. The straight pipe fad is going to kill it for all these boneheads, and I will be very happy when it happens.

Didn't see many trailers heading to Sturgis, though... but then again, didn't see many bikes with tents/slepping bags and clothes packed on. Chase vehicles must be the new, stealth way to get to Sturgis.

[911boost]

I live right near the I-25 and I-80 intersection, so I see lots, I mean Lots of people heading to and from Sturgis every year. I would say that a vast majority of the reason for trailers is the popularity of this whole "chopper" craze. Unless you want permanent spinal damage and your boys scrambled (sorry ladies, can't figure out the appropriate term for you, smile) I would trailer the thing too, if I had one, which I never will... and before anyone gets all worked up, I have ridden one, I have a buddy with one.

With that said, I also saw lots of folks riding up there on bikes, with tents and you name it. What I like to see is the fact that intermixed with Harley's and crusiers were sport bikes, BMW's, even a couple of Guzzi's.

Will I ever go to Sturgis, probably, some year in the fall or spring. the riding is great in the Black Hills. I doubt I will ever go there during the great ralley, but thats just me. I have gone to some other smaller local ones to check out the bikes, I can appreciate the craftsmanship, I just don't think sitting on my motorcycle in August temperaturesfor 2 hours, to go 2 miles, sounds like fun.

Bill

[gatotom]

motion............well said.

[scottmandue]

LOL
Consider this cut. pasted and emailed to all my bike riding friends.

One buddy emailed back that if I wanted to get a bike he would join my for babes and beer. (Ride from Californa!?!)

I emailed back only if we fly to Orlando and rent bikes to ride in

Hmmm is it really true what they say about Harley's and chicks? Could two old fat middle age dudes get laid just because they own a certain kind of bike?


I appreciate all the work/art/craftsmanship that goes into these choppers but not my kind of bike. Much rather have a BMW/Triumph/Ducati if I was going to spend that kind of money.

[84CAB]

Hmmm is it really true what they say about Harley's and chicks? Could two old fat middle age dudes get laid just because they own a certain kind of bike?

Absolutely- The only problem is most of those types of women are a little less than attractive...

[Drago]

Chromo-sexuals

[Jeff Higgins]

Originally posted by motion
That said, I want nothing to do with the "typical" Harley types out there. The whole thing is rather disgusting. As others have said, they're all clones trying to get the same sort of gratification from their chrome trains and their "brothers".

They are all trying to live a very screwed up vision of "brotherhood" brought to them by an equally screwed up sociopath from the '50's and '60's. This modern "biker lifestyle" that the part-time posers are trying so hard to live up to is the result of this one man's influence. Pretty hard to believe, but one screwed up drop-out unemployed violent drug-pushing loser has shaped this lifestyle for generations to come. He has become a cult hero as some romantic "outlaw" figure and now all of these wannabes feel they have to emulate him to be accepted as a biker. What a joke. There are those of us in the biker world that steer well clear of this crowd and the image they try so hard to portray. And we ride our bikes; just not to Sturgis.

By the way - I love my Road King too; it sees an average of 15k miles a year. My old Ironhead Sporty sees about 5k a year. Both are relatively quiet and unnobtrusive. Most who meet me would never guess I'm a lifelong biker. These wannabe FNG's seem to feel the need to advertise - long hair, tats, loud pipes, attitude - but on sunny weekends only.

[Drago]

Originally posted by Jeff Higgins
Most who meet me would never guess I'm a lifelong biker.

I can attest to this...when I first met I thought you came across as a lifelong Boeing Engineer!

Now, where's my motorhome...I've got a biker rally to attend.

[pwd72s]

Originally posted by Jeff Higgins
Trailers at Sturgis used to be worse than black Beemers at... never mind. Now they have taken over. The "boutique set" have very much moved in. Hell, they should just give the bikes away - kind of like a plant starter from the nursery. It will grow from there; these idiots spend more on chrome and "motorclothes" than gas and beer. H-D could make a fortune giving away bikes anymore.

Now that H-D has finally gotten their act together, it has been a very mixed blessing. When I started this game, you rode with tools and expected to use them. Big rides had a chase truck with tools, parts, and beer. We stopped regularly to dig into all three. Nowadays, the bikes are as reliable as any car. Any dip**** can ride one with no idea how it works.

I guess in the end that is really o.k., but it has changed the flavor of these big rallies forever. These people showing up for a "wild" time have NO idea what "wild" is when bikers get together. It would scare every single one of them back into their motorhomes.

Like I said...sounds like a PCA Porsche parade...you who weren't there in '71 don't know what you missed. I'd be curious to know how many drove their concours entrant car to the pea-raid this year. Bottom line? Those with money move in, those who were/are enthusiast types move out. Doesn't really matter the brand of the machine. What did I do for fun today? I was the only P car at a street rod cruise in. Oh yeah, there were some who weren't friendly...treated me like the semi gate crasher I was. Others were friendly, actually thanked me for coming. But then, I was allowed to be there. Imagine trying to enter a PCA gathering driving a '69 Camaro. BTW, I had a great time BSing with a long time PCA buddy at the cruise in. Had no idea he'd be there...in his black Z-28. He still has his Porsche, just doesn't find it to be as much fun as it once was. Food for thought, eh?

[techweenie]

Jeff, that's a classic.

Years ago, I did some work for Super Cycle magazine and got an earful of the attitude toward "RUBs."

Of course, So Cal being years ahead, the Harley craze took hold here bigtime 10-12 years ago, and we ended up having to deal not only with RUBs, but wussy-RUBs -- you know, the guys who never rode fast enough to need to know how to countersteer? They'd just putt up to a corner and start to drop the bike and roll on the throttle just a touch in order to get through the corner. That meant they were holding up traffic in the hills all the time. But they didn't have the sense to pull over. Eventually, most of 'em parked their bikes in the garage. The veteran bikers looked forward to buying the nice new rides at fifty cents on the dollar when the wife finally put her foot down.

I never did understand the Harley thing. They always seemed like the Buick of motorcycles to me.

[speeder]

Technologically speaking, they are like the 1952 Buick of motorcycles. (That has been tweaked quite a bit). Not that there is anything necessarily wrong w/ that, they are really cool and fun to ride in certain iterations. (IMO).

I agree with your observations, Tech, except that I would peg the beginnings of the "Harley craze/RUB/etc." thing 10 years further back; in the mid-'80s it was in full swing w/ every posuer actor/musician/whatever and stockbroker buying Heritage Classics or softails and making noise out there on the street. As for Sturgis, I once heard someone joke that Harley should just make a bike w/o wheels for all of the fockwads who only need to sit at the curb revving the engine and looking cool.