Personal help......genuine feed back needed!

[likemystoppie?]

Almost 9 months ago I met this girl on the internet via Match.com.

She's from the UK, and we started off talking just as a fluke. She's a gorgeous girl with much success, very ambitious, vivatious, and geniune. We seemed to hit it off really well, infact, incredibly well. We would exchange emails about 5-7 pages long everynight just learning about eachother. On Feb5th, we actually spoke on the phone.

I fell in love with her that moment. Her voice was exactly how I imagined it.

Fast forward....Still madly in love with her, I've never felt this way about a person in my 32 years, nor have I felt so loved. We met in Boston when she flew over to finally meet me. It was incredible. We had a great time. But something was wrong ......she wasn't 'exactly' as I expected 'physically'.

I'm used to cute to gorgeous girls with great bodies. She's gorgeous........but her body is something that I'm having real issues with. She's not fat, but she's not inshape, and I dunno why..but her skin is not firm, I think at one point she gained and lost weight really quickly and now has stretch marks. Infact, she doesn't have any physical attributes that I find sexy......




I realize how superficial this all sounds.....and I know some of you must think I'm really horrible. I mean this when I say that I'm horrified at my own superficial attitude. But I'm 32......and physical attraction is important to me.......and I love certain types girls and their bodies.........But I'm seriously In Love with her. I've never met anyone that makes me feel what I do as I do with her....like I said.......she IS gorgeous.......gorgeous face ...........but she needs a lot of work on her body........

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? I really need help to sort out my brain.................

Please don't flame me.....I'm being serious.............how do I cope with this? I really want to spend the rest of my life with her........but I want to enjoy all the 'physical' benefits as long as possible...........








HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Chris


My girl...........

[masraum]

To consider a lifetime commitment of which a physical relationship is a part I also need physical attraction. If it's not there then it's just not there. The only thing that I can think of is that you can try spending more time with her. Usually love makes people more attractive. But it may never be there and that's likely to be a problem later if not sooner.

Good luck.

[Superman]

Run screaming away. Women are from the fiery gates of hell.

[vash]

let her off easy now....you dont want to go forward. i can read it in your writing. and 99% of the time the body will get worse, not better. my little bro is the exact same way. he was dating this absolutely hot woman. ex model, law school. i thought she was the one, until he came up to me, and asked, "hey cliff, do you think nora's ass will get any bigger?" i gave her mom a quick check, offered my honest educated opinion/guess, and they broke up shortly.

me, i am different. i go for the entire package. i have dated girls so effen hot. way hotter than "my package" can expect to troll. but there was nothing there cept the sex. i like cute, and smart.

[IROC]

Well, while I fully agree with the comments above, I think it is also important to remember that - in the end - strong relationships are not built on physical beauty. My ex-wife was a model when I met her. Now I can't stand to look at her. :>)

I've met many girls that I thought were hot until I got to know them better and then their personality actually made me see them as not quite so attractive any more. And vice versa - I've met many girls that I didn't think were very attractive to begin with and the more I got know them, the more "attractive" they became.

Having said all of that, I would not go forward with this relationship unless you feel 100% committed. It's a shame, though...

Mike

[Schrup]

Considering the distance between you, if you have doubts, I would move on. Like already stated, even if a woman gets into shape for you, they almost always revert back to their original form.

On the other hand, I see guys with champagne tastes on a beer budget. They expect a 9, but are only capable of getting a 6. After many women, I decided on the complete package, I lived with a woman that people could perceive as a solid 8.5, but she was a complete basket case. After that relationship, looks became less of a priority, although a smokin body was still high on the list. I didn't want a but'er face, but wanted a well rounded (figuratively) person.

I actually made a list of what I was looking for & their priorities. When I met my wife, she fit the bill. After about a year, I was thinking of bailing before we moved in together. Just before I was gonna call it off, I happened across my list. While I read it I realized she was still exactly what I was looking for & that I just had to accept her short comings, nobody's perfect.

I have a good friend that was dating two women, one was super hot, but pretty shallow, the other was cute & a little over weight, but an awesome person. He married the latter, it's only been a couple of years, but they seem real happy.

[vash]

oh, you didnt fall "madly in love"....maybe madly in "LIKE". love is blind.

sorry didnt mean to sound so GAY!

[john_colasante]

First of all, I think you made a mistake falling in love over email. But that's a different story. Men are wired to value physical appearance much more so than women. This is probably something you cannot overcome. It does not mean you are a bad person, or shallow. Only you can decide if it's a "show stopper" or not. Good luck.

[kach22i]

Originally posted by john_colasante
Men are wired to value physical appearance much more so than women.

True.

And on a lighter note: This thread is useless without pictures.

[notfarnow]

AGHK... having a flashback... 2001... she flew up from Tampa...






The horror! The horror!

[likemystoppie?]

Originally posted by kach22i
True.

And on a lighter note: This thread is useless without pictures.

Pictures NOW available.....scroll up.




I am feeling horrible. I keep on thinking about this situation, and I run the scenario of this:


I break things off. Then, one day, in about 3 years I see her in the Airport.......and she's STUNNING. Lost the weight, curves to kill...........and it's all my loss and someone else's gain.


I don't want to be that person to give something up so special. And to be truthful, I can't go into a few paragraphs let alone a few pages about how much this girl means to me. I absolutely adore her.


I just wish she'd hit the gym........But keep the comments coming....thanks..............

[Rot 911]

You are not in love with this woman. You are in love with a fantasy.

[EdT82SC]

Chris,

I think you are reacting the the difference between the fantasy of long distance vs. the reality of in person. Before you met face to face everything you knew about her was exactly what she wanted to show you. Now you have had the chance to meet her in person, and you get to see everything: the good and the bad. Until you spend significant time with someone in person you don't get to know them.

I also agree with you that physical attraction is important. I am in love with my wife AND I love to see her nude. If she turned me off physically there is no way I ever would have married her. My advice is move on. And for your own sanity keep it local.

[JavaBrewer]

Agree with Kurt, you don't love this girl so stop saying that you do. Re-read your original post. If you honestly think you love her then you don't understand what the word means. Not trying to flame you in any way, physical attraction is very important, especially for the men, but very few solid relationships are ever founded by guys with shopping lists (not you but others I've read).

She's not fat, but she's not inshape, and I dunno why..but her skin is not firm, I think at one point she gained and lost weight really quickly and now has stretch marks.

This sounds insanely critical to me. You better hope your future wife does not hold you to the same standards as you get on in life. My wife and I are very active and work out alot, but firm skin... You don't live in Hollywood do you?

[Schrup]

Originally posted by dmoolenaar
but very few solid relationships are ever founded by guys with shopping lists.

I don't know if your comment was directed at my post, but having a list is a good idea! A therapist is the one who presented me with the idea to help me avoid some of the pitfalls from my past. It worked great, I eliminated about a dozen women & it helped me stay focused on the long term. I didn't get caught up in love or sex & was able to keep fairly objective. I believe I have a choice in who I fall in love with. I'm a little old for "Love at first sight".

I'd be curious what you base your opinion on.

[Hugh R]

If you have doubts, time to move on. At age 32 you must have other options in Tampa.

[lendaddy]

I'm sure you're a nice guy and you sound just like a lot of my close friends, so I'll give you some sage advice. Grow the fukc up!

Watching my friends and family in some cases lead horribly depressing lives because of this same mentality, I am angered by these pathetic sentiments. It's not that I'm upset with you.....or my friends....rather I'm upset with my inablity to communicate how and why your thought process is so screwed up and thereby help you.

The bottom line of most of this is that you simply don't know what happiness is, either on your own or in a relationship. You have lived or been near the vain lifestyle soooo long that it is now normal to you. You place your own happiness beneath the need to live that lifestyle. You don't know you do it, like I said...this is your "normal".

The truth is: you're not uncomfortible with her body so much as you're uncomfortible with how you'll feel when "presenting" her before your friends and other inhabitants of vainville. The thoughts of what they may say or think about her body haunt you. Just sad.....

I'm sure you'll think I'm projecting some of this to you, and it's possible that you're right....but I doubt it. You sound EXACTLY like the guys I'm working with on this. And no...I'm not saying "date ugly chicks" which is usually the first comment after my diatribe

Oh man I could go on and on about this, so I'll give it a rest for now or I'll not get any work done

If I am wrong, I deeply apologize...seriously. If I'm right...work on it and fast.

Edit: I am NOT telling you to pursue this girl OR not to. I have no idea if she is good for you. I was commenting only on the criteria you listed as important.


Another reply is usually... "I refuse to settle" or some other bunk.

[john_colasante]

Originally posted by lendaddy
The truth is: you're not uncomfortible with her body so much as you're uncomfortible with how you'll feel when "presenting" her before your friends and other inhabitants of vainville. The thoughts of what they may say or think about her body haunt you. Just sad.....

It sounds like you're the one doing the "projecting". It's simple, he's not attracted to her. She doesn't turn him on. He doesn't get a woodie from her. Psychobabble aside, it's that simple.

[lendaddy]

Originally posted by john_colasante
It sounds like you're the one doing the "projecting". It's simple, he's not attracted to her. She doesn't turn him on. He doesn't get a woodie from her. Psychobabble aside, it's that simple.

If that's how you see it, great. I disagree, I'm willing to bet he is plenty attracted to her. So Chris, are you attracted to this girl?

[likemystoppie?]

Considering that I just moved here, not much for options from what I've seen. Sure, pleanty of girls look good, but how many actually 'aspire' to be a better person, and work towards acheiving goals. I'm very driven, and require my partner to do so. Looking good doesn't work for me, and frankly it's always disgusted me how some great looking women just slide through life on their looks............that is until their husbands trade them in for someone 15 years younger and better looking. Looks only go so far.


I'm not living in a fantasy, I'd not have commited to this relationship if I 100% didn't feel it in my heart. I do know what love is, but we've not had the benefit of being in eachothers presence like most people do. Having been in love once before, I know whole heartidly that you don't just 'choose' to fall in love with someone. It either happens or it doesn't.

K means more to me than anyone or anything in my life. She inspires me and makes my heart melt.

Aren't I just being foolish here? Can't I just work with her and help her workout more and be more physically active? It's not like she DOESNT want to, but rather from what she's told me, she's not been trained properly. I work out 4-6 days a week, but I do it for me and my partner. I want my body to be something my partner is proud of as well as me. Maybe something wrong in that, I mean, I really primarily do it b/c it makes me feel good. And looking good makes me feel good.


She does have some insecurities, and i feel that some of those stem from her physical state. Like I said (and that picture doesn't do her justice TRUST me) she's gorgeous........and I am in Love with her, ****, I can't imagine my life w/o her. Or what my life was like before her. I feel if I walk away from her I'd be foolish.


Isn't something worth the commitment worth sticking it out and helping the situation? Nothing wrong in being supportive is there? Are you guys saying that no amount of gym or work towards that physical goal is going to change my views?