Personal help......genuine feed back needed!

[JavaBrewer]

Originally posted by Schrup
I don't know if your comment was directed at my post, but having a list is a good idea! A therapist is the one who presented me with the idea to help me avoid some of the pitfalls from my past. It worked great, I eliminated about a dozen women & it helped me stay focused on the long term. I didn't get caught up in love or sex & was able to keep fairly objective. I believe I have a choice in who I fall in love with. I'm a little old for "Love at first sight".

I'd be curious what you base your opinion on.

Hi Paul. Your post did trigger the list issue however from your entire post it sounds like it was a good list. It's the guys/gals that carry those extreme lists who are doomed to fail, as you alluded to -

On the other hand, I see guys with champagne tastes on a beer budget. They expect a 9, but are only capable of getting a 6. ... After that relationship, looks became less of a priority, although a smokin body was still high on the list. I didn't want a but'er face, but wanted a well rounded (figuratively) person.

We all have our own "lists" though I would not advise keeping one written down with grades on the current mate I grew up with a guy in Santa Barbara who had impossibly high standards (no makeup yet must look like a model) yet was no ringer himself. Last time I checked he's 40+, single, and becoming a bitter old guy. Folks seem so torqued over physical appearance that they miss out on what it really means to love someone.

"Is her ass going to get bigger?". Let me save you the suspense - YES.
"Are her boobs going to droop?". YES.
"Are we going to have sex 4X a week after we get married?". Maybe, but most likely NO.

Are these bad things? Not if you're in love.

[john_colasante]

Originally posted by lendaddy
I'm willing to bet he is plenty attracted to her.

Well if that's the case then I agree with you. But he wrote "doesn't have any physical attributes that I find sexy". It's hard to misinterpret that.

[techweenie]

John is right. I generally find that lust is a key component in forming a relationship. Without that basis of desire, you can't go through the normal ups and downs of being emotionally intimate with someone.

Paradoxically, I have found sexual attraction is not perfectly linked to physical attributes. I dated a couple of centerfold types that did nothing for me, but one or two women most of you guys would rate no more than a "6" drove me crazy.

On the other hand, you have to be honest that the issue is between you and her -- not between you and what you think the world's perception of you will be. If the latter is the case, you are not ready for a real relationship.

[likemystoppie?]

Originally posted by lendaddy
If that's how you see it, great. I disagree, I'm willing to bet he is plenty attracted to her. So Chris, are you attracted to this girl?

Yes I am. She does turn me on, we've no problem having sex..............although...........I find myself 'fantasizing' about other types of girls more with her than I have in the past........


However, she does turn me on a great deal. And I think you might be closer to the truth on what you said earlier. If line up my ex's they all very.........but they go from stunning to 'cute' to stunning' to 'cute' ect ect ect.


I do prefer girls with huge boobs though......(and I hate that I do) but that's something I can work on. (sorry, stupid comment)

To answer you: Yes. She does.

[wludavid]

Attraction is attraction - if something's missing for you then chances are good you're never going to find her super-attractive. IMO it's not shallow be concerned with appearances as long as that's not the only thing you're concerned about.

UNLESS (and this is important) you are being too critical. Unless you're being George from Seinfeld where you have a woman who is beautiful and wonderful and you're still unhappy. That can't be diagnosed over a internet forum so I doubt we can help much in determining if that's the case.

[lendaddy]

Originally posted by john_colasante
Well if that's the case then I agree with you. But he wrote "doesn't have any physical attributes that I find sexy". It's hard to misinterpret that.

I agree, but to a point. A also agree with Tech who said basically the same thing "lust is a key factor". Totally correct, but to what end?

Regarding this, you must want to have sex with her, that is lust and it is good. That's it though, she does not have to be your mental vision of perfection to maintain this lust. If she is a great woman you will lust for her as much or more as time goes on regadless of what time brings physically. I have been with my wife (and only my wife) for almost 15 years and I speak the truth.

[likemystoppie?]

I guess I misstaded what I said earlier.........my apologies....she DOES have attributes that which I find 'sexually appealing'. She does. In fact, my personal gut instint is that a little gym time (with me supporting her) and help with her whole regimine she'd be F***ing hot. I mean, she get's hit on all the time. And I've seen it. I HATE this ABOUT myself. I hate it. I just have always imagined myself with a rather voluptluous girl, big natural boobs, great legs...ect..........


but as I look back, the one time i was in love, everyone was like "Chris, she's nothing like you've dated before. She's 'ok', but you've done WAY better'. Indeed I have, but I did fall in love with her. And in time, she was the SEXIEST girl I've ever seen...................Until I met K.

But I feel I'm just not giving it enough time here..........for us to be 'physical' together to go thru the ups and downs......out of that creates or destroys a relationship yes?

[john_colasante]

Originally posted by dmoolenaar

"Is her ass going to get bigger?". Let me save you the suspense - YES.

This brings up a very interesting side topic that I find fascinating. That is, "older" couples that have been in love for a long time still find eachother sexually attractive despite their bodies fading. For example, it is not uncommon to find a guy in his 70's who has been married say 50 years still finds his wife very hot, like when she was 20. Somehow he "sees" her this way, where others may just see an older, wrinked, grey woman. This is a cool phenomenon.

Edit: Before this gets misinterpreted, I want to be clear. This is *physical* attraction that the old man still feels, not just "love" for the good woman he has. This is his brain tricking him - in a good way.

[john_colasante]

Originally posted by likemystoppie?
...my personal gut instint is that a little gym time (with me supporting her) ...

OK, at first I thought this was simple. But now it's getting complex and maybe weird. I don't know about this. Maybe lendaddy has to handle this after all...

[likemystoppie?]

Geeeez what did I say? What did I say? Is it wrong of me to think this way?

[JavaBrewer]

Now at 40 with 2 kids my wife is hotter than when we were married.

Don't take my comments to mean that married folks should accept their spouse giving up on their personal appearance. I just think folks need to be reasonable in their expectations. A few wrinkles, sags/droops, etc... as the years go by are normal and should not be an issue. Adding 100 lbs might be.

[lendaddy]

Originally posted by likemystoppie?
I guess I misstaded what I said earlier.........my apologies....she DOES have attributes that which I find 'sexually appealing'. She does. In fact, my personal gut instint is that a little gym time (with me supporting her) and help with her whole regimine she'd be F***ing hot. I mean, she get's hit on all the time. And I've seen it. I HATE this ABOUT myself. I hate it. I just have always imagined myself with a rather voluptluous girl, big natural boobs, great legs...ect..........


but as I look back, the one time i was in love, everyone was like "Chris, she's nothing like you've dated before. She's 'ok', but you've done WAY better'. Indeed I have, but I did fall in love with her. And in time, she was the SEXIEST girl I've ever seen...................Until I met K.

But I feel I'm just not giving it enough time here..........for us to be 'physical' together to go thru the ups and downs......out of that creates or destroys a relationship yes?

Chris, you are indeed the spitting image of the guys I was talking about. I'm NOT saying that makes you bad or any other crap. In fact I wish I could find the culprit that makes men feel/act this way (denying ourselves happiness). In the end that's what you're doing. Again I'm not telling you what you should do with this particular girl either way. You couldn't possibly give us enough info to say. What I'm trying to say is..strip away the superficial BS and ask yourself if she makes you happy and if you make her happy. We've already established that lust exists, so move on to the other stuff.

[john_colasante]

Originally posted by likemystoppie?
Geeeez what did I say? What did I say? Is it wrong of me to think this way?

Well, at first it sounded like you were saying "I fell in love with a woman over email and when I met her I found I was not physically attracted to her. Am I a bad man?" And we all said no you are not bad for that, move on.

But, now you are saying that you *are* attracted to her (lust) so I'm not sure what's wrong. And the thing about you helping her in the gym just doesn't seem right at this stage in your relationship. I don't know...

[livi]

A lot of good advice here.

I just have one comment:

If you have issues/doubts from the start, there is a real risk they will grow stronger.

Like they said in med school : If in doubt - cut it out !

[wludavid]

Originally posted by lendaddy
In fact I wish I could find the culprit that makes men feel/act this way (denying ourselves happiness). In the end that's what you're doing.

Male insanity syndrome - no matter how great we've got it or how beautiful our lady is, a reaction is - "I got this girl; I can probably manage to trade up a little." Men and women do this to different extents and for different reasons, but most of the time one should suppress the thought.

[lendaddy]

I want to make crystal clear, I do not claim to have all the answers here. I simply feel it is a VERY common mental problem these days among young men. I think it is based mostly in thier insecurity and the insecurity they project unto or assume others also have. I'll bet Chris thinks something like this "Man I just know it kills her to be seen with her body all flabby like that, I know I can help her..then she can be happy".

Edit: In other words he doesn't understand how someone/anyone could possibly be happy or unashamed of a less than ideal appearance. Because that is the root of happiness in vainville

[likemystoppie?]

Originally posted by john_colasante
Well, at first it sounded like you were saying "I fell in love with a woman over email and when I met her I found I was not physically attracted to her. Am I a bad man?" And we all said no you are not bad for that, move on.

But, now you are saying that you *are* attracted to her (lust) so I'm not sure what's wrong. And the thing about you helping her in the gym just doesn't seem right at this stage in your relationship. I don't know...

You're correct, and my apologies.......I'm VERY appreciative of all of your feedback. I had to restate to give a better picture.....I'm sorry if I misspoke.........

Originally posted by lendaddy
Chris, you are indeed the spitting image of the guys I was talking about. I'm NOT saying that makes you bad or any other crap. In fact I wish I could find the culprit that makes men feel/act this way (denying ourselves happiness). In the end that's what you're doing. Again I'm not telling you what you should do with this particular girl either way. You couldn't possibly give us enough info to say. What I'm trying to say is..strip away the superficial BS and ask yourself if she makes you happy and if you make her happy. We've already established that lust exists, so move on to the other stuff.

Try the porn industry for one. I look at that crap probably way too much........and for the most part it's all a 'certain' type of girl......


But moving on.....stripping away all the superficial BS........all I can think of is how much she really fills my life with love, caring, support......intellectually challanging........makes me want to be a 'better person' she's amazing....really.........

And as for the gym comment.......I guess........I just like someone as fit as I am.....it's not that she doesn't like the gym, just that she get's discouraged easily when she hit's a slump. We all do physically, but it requires commitment...........which is what I feel that i should do with her.....commit to her.......

I hate that I'm even blurbing this ***** out on the net, but I wanted as much input as possible..........WHY DO I THINK LIKE THIS???

Sex sells. Great bodies sell. But that get's old..........REALLY quick......(i know i need help I know.......) have I answered your questions properly?

[likemystoppie?]

Originally posted by lendaddy
I want to make crystal clear, I do not claim to have all the answers here. I simply feel it is a VERY common mental problem these days among young men. I think it is based mostly in thier insecurity and the insecurity they project unto or assume others also have. I'll bet Chris thinks something like this "Man I just know it kills her to be seen with her body all flabby like that, I know I can help her..then she can be happy".

She's VERY insecure about her body. And needs reassurance......and I know I'M NOT helping..........the first time she visited, I admited to her that she wasn't what I expected........I know....horrible..........but I was being honest......she asked me...........I can't lie to her. Or anygirl......why suger coat?

[notfarnow]

I think Lendaddy has hit the nail on the head.

[TerryBPP]

You are concerned with a womens looks but you meet them on the internet. You're a very confused man.