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Others in this post mentioned a baseline: did he know the ramifications of his grades? The fact that you are working through this says all anyone needs to know, including your son...hopefully sooner rather than later! All the best on your collective journey. |
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On one hand he is old enough to comprehend actions and consequences. On the other hand he needs support. In order to give him the right form and level of support, you need to make sure you understand his real motives and feelings in the present situation. And he needs to know that you know. Only then will you reach a level of communication where you will be able to help him motivate him self. Punishment may have a short term effect but a far more negative impact than positive, motivational support. He will feel more adult and trusted.
Hypothetically the reprimand strategy could create better result, but in the long run its not worth it IMO. Empathy and positive motivational support will arguably enhance the maturation process globally. If, eventually, the result still do not fully live up to your expectations - at least he did his best for the right reasons. Not only because what was expected and demanded. Donīt get me wrong I am all for a 'take control parenting' and I am never soft with my kids when they behave ill. But positive encouragement will beat punishment most days IMO. Good luck - I canīt wait till my four kids reach your boys age. ;) |
Make him cut his own switch...
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Is the threat of grounding him going to get him to excel once he's in college? What about the rest of his life?
Don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not saying punishment is out of place in parenting. If anything, I think parents wimp out too often when it's time to dole out some punishment. I grew up (not too long ago..I'm 26 now) with spankings etc., and I see no problem with punishment as an essential part of parenting. Punishment is best to discourage behaviour, not encourage alternate behaviour. You're not going to be able to punish him to the point of motivation. |
Tabs, your advice sounds good.
That said, I don't see what all the hype about a driver's liscence is. I insanely loved driving/racing, and I didn't get my liscence until two months before my 19th birthday. I see lots of people describe things as being natural to an age group, but I think that often, that is because we describe as being natural, they assume it is normal. Its natural for me to want to jump out of my lane into incoming traffic and strike an oncoming car. (I'm serious, I see one coming ,and think about it, I never do it). Natural does not always mean good. I keep retyping this next paragraph. And retyping it. |
You can't lie to your children they see every fault and virtue you have...by being open and honest about yourself you set the stage for them to be honest and forthcoming with you.
The hard part is expressing your fears, doubts, worries and short comings... Simply sitting down and listening to what they have to say and not hearing only what you want to hear... or jumping to conclusions and making judgements is the most supportive thing you can do.. If only I could have said it better! |
Ohhh also don't forget the hug and kiss...
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I believe my mother was too easy on me. If I made a bad grade, she'd say I guess you did your best. B.S. I wasn't doing my best and it hurt me later in life.
If my 11yo son gets a C, he's grounded until his next progress report or until he brings home a letter from his teacher saying that he raised his grade. If he gets more B's than A's, he gets half grounded. I limit the time he can play WoW. |
My kid's a sophomore in HS this year too. I have noticed that she has "eased off the gas" a bit this year too. The teachers have all mentioned that she should be doing better. I've had a couple of heart to hearts with her and have concluded that she's just more interested in socializing than school at this point in her life. She's got to want to work up to her potential, I can't really do anything to make her do it. Punitive measures probably won't help in our situation, but I have scaled back on doling out the goodies. She knows how I feel and why I think it's important, now it's up to her.
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Both of my kids have gone through/are going through this.
Bored/shmored. Boredom is an internal response to stimuli. I don't care if my daughter wants to slack off. Either she does the work assigned, to the demonstrated level of her ability, or she loses out on telephone, computer and social privilidges. If more parents held their children to their obligations regarding the opportunity they have to get an education, the school system wouldn't be 'dumbing things down'. (By the way, my wife has taught for 27 years and she says there is nothing she hates to see more than a student who can do the work, but couldn't be bothered. On top of that, she is not fond of parents who don't want to be parents to their kids. She is the kind of teacher who has had students come back to her years after they have gone through her class to thank her for making them do what they could.) Stay the course. Les |
Tell him you'll give him the Porsche if he gets straight A's ;). It could be a lot worse. One senior from my school had a 0.5 GPA and he got kicked out and had to get his GED. The other kid (also a senior) may have too low of a GPA to graduate. The irony is that one drives a '98 BMW M3 and the other drives an '02 BMW M3.<------- WTF?
In my opinion, don't ground your kid, but give him a good incentive to get good grades and have him realize the importance of it. I have a 3.3 GPA but am always trying to up my grades as much as I can. What kind of friends does he have? Maybe they are a bad influence on him? |
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talk to my pops at sears point in a couple weeks at our track day. he raised me, it was a battle of wills, and we battled to a draw. i pretty much made my own way after slacking in high school, got a few breaks that i took full advantage of to get where i am today. decent income, terrible speller, and a cross between street smarts and book smarts that has helped me get by.
i today consider my pops one of my very best friends, and i could not say that until my late 20's. the more he tried to get me centered the more i went the other direction. seems like you kid was waaayy better than i was, but really, its the end result that matters? |
My son is/was exactly the same. Does he spend lots of time on myspace.com? my son does. You can get the school to hand out weekly performance sheets that he has to pick up and bring home on Fridays (CA requirement that they be available). I put my son on restrictions to not punish, but get back on track, couldn't go out until homework done and shown to us. Friday and Saturday night out OK once the mid-semester report shows he's getting back on track. My son MIGHT get into a CA State, not UC school.
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BTW, i hope 125shifter is joking or at least exhaggerating. |
No behavioral modification? What the heck is that?
Without some form of positive guidance, firm, consistent and fair, you will have raised a little savage with no core and no moral compass. In addition, if he is "bored" doing his current job (getting educated), how long before, in the real world, he gets "bored on the real job" and is out on his butt? Adults (well, most adults) have a job. They work, and are rewarded with a paycheck. This allows them to go out, buy stuff, own a car, all the nice things which are rewards for contributing to society. Socializing is important to a teen but it is a privelege that should be earned. And the way such priveleges are earned is through following the rules established by the father and the mother who are footing the bills. (tabs can ignore this part) When I was about 15, many years ago, I challenged my father. He calmly said: "You will do what I tell you for one of two reasons. Either you fear me or you love me. It's your choice". He has been dead a long time but for the years that followed, I counted my dad among my best friends. He set limits and showed me the consequences of different kinds of behavior. And, he never had to lay a hand on me. Consistency, gentlemen, consistency. I STILL favor the mutual written agreement spelling out duties, responsibilities and priveleges. Yes, society has changed in the last 50 years or so, but basic acceptable social behavior has not, only the enforcement of some type of standard. It is still wrong to hurt others, take their stuff, and murder them. A look at the national news can easily serve as an example when young people are permitted to do whatever they want with no limits. |
You are doing the right thing by taking the first step...if you were to do nothing, i dont think his grades would go up.
I'd get grounded by my parents for a month at a time, and not for being a criminal...just for school work and chores.....yeah, i was a slacker, B average. But It was a good lesson to learn... |
OHHH BTW...U do not want to incur the wrath of TABS either...the key words of mine.....the EXPECTATION that the kid works to his potential..and if his best is a steady stream of As then thats what he should be getting. To kids in HS socialization is important, because now they are looking outside the family to see where they fit in society. Yet they still need to be reminded that they are still part of this family, and what goes on with Joe Blows family isn't the way it is done here, for better or worser.
Maybe this kid needs to be checked on more regularily to be right on his tail...Johnny did you get your homework done. lets see it...and why isn't it done...in other words to make his life miserable, so that it is easier to do the work than U harping on him. The mere fact that this kid said he "miscalculated" shows hes smart, and know how to work the system. My response would be DON'T miscalculate again. When I was in Junior High I was over at a friends house. My friend got mostly As with a few Bs.. in one class he got a C his Mother called him on the carpet in front of me, and told him whats this a C you can do better than this, I expect you to do better than this...at the end she almost had him in tears, he felt so bad...needless to say there were no more Cs. Well Boyz now U got me to thinking.... |
What is it to gain the world if you have lost your soul
What is it to have success in the world if your personal life is a failure...it is essentially meaningless. So for me the outward appearence of success doesn't mean much what has been important has been achieving an inner harmony. To that end self knowledge is key and to be able to forgive yourself for your failings....and the key to forgivness is the knowledge that you LOVE. To know that you are a loving being. That is the saving grace. |
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