Tell me if I'm being too strict with my son
 

My son is normally an A student but lately he's been getting Bs in the classes that really matter and a C is science. He's a sophomore in HS and this is the year he really needed to start buckling down not slacking off.

And that's just it, he is slacking off. I went to his last HS open house and all his teachers say he should be a straight A student. His test grades are A's but his homework grades are C's. He figured out that he really didn't need to do his homework completely and still get a B (he miscalculated on science, he says).

I've decided to ground him until the end of the school year. He's going to be missing a couple of sweet sixteen parties. He will not be allowed to take the written driver's test until the C is gone and there are more A's than B's in his report card. I will not teach him to drive until then as well.

Besides chores at home, his only real job is to help me pay for college through scholarships. Unlikely to get anything with grades like that. He has a lot of other things in his favor such as community work, athletics, other extra-curricular stuff but competition for entry into the University of CA system is stiff. He will be up against kids with > 4.0 GPA and all the extra-curricular stuff to boot.

Am I being too strict? Some of his friends are getting Cs and still have all their liberties. Why do some parents set such a low standard?

By the way, I do not suspect him of doing drugs or drinking. This is just pure laziness on his part.

Have you givin any thought to maybe he's bored? Maybe he needs to be more challenged on a scholastic level.

I think you are doing the right thing, first, you show that you care and do keep an eye on his progress. My parents were very strict with me, and in the long run, I thanked them for it. You might want to have a bit of flexibility though, in case he has his eyes on a little cuttie:cool:

Get him out of HS and into a dual enrollment program. Here in Fl, students can do their junior and senior highschool years at a community college (like where i work), and they actually graduate with an AA or AS about 3 weeks before they finish high school....

You're being too strict.
You're right to take your son to task about his diminishing performance, but punishing him for it is not going to get you the desired results.
The real question is: why is he slacking off?

It sounds harsh until you realize the school year ends in a couple of weeks. I would add some incentive/reward to the mix. If you pulls it out, offer him something nice. Give him something to work for....

Have you stressed the scholarship angle to him?
Does he understand he is blowing off a big chunk of change by being lazy?
Maybe get some pictures of University cheerleaders and ask him do you want to go where these are or do you want to go to community collage?

Catch more flys with honey. :D

It's a question of motivation. If he busts his ass, and bumps up his GPA, he still doesn't get any tail. Where's the motivation? I'll tell you - it makes you do just enough to not get grounded.

My Dad did the same thing to me. I turned 16 in March, and got my DL in June, at the end of the school yeah when my grades had improved. The only difference was that he still taught me how to drive, so I had real motivation, since I knew how to drive, but didn't have a DL because I was being lazy.

I wouldn't say he is being punished (except for missing the parties etc), but positivley rewarded. My dad also said if I kept the grades up I'd get a car of my own for my 17th birthday. I made him keep his word, and I still have the 1966 Mustang we picked out together.

I have a 3 year old daughter and my wife is due any day with a boy, and I think in general a lot of parents are pussies now a days. I see a huge difference between my daughter and friends kids that are not strict at all with their kids. My daughter has always been very well behaved.

Just me thoughts.

I think what you are doing is fine, the only other option would be to somehow get a daily list of his homework, projects and papers to make sure that he's getting it done.

Kids at this age don't know what's best for them or what they need, it's our job as parents to enforce certain things. He may not like this stuff now, but it'll be best for him in the long run and years from now he'll know that it was a good thing.

You are NOT being too strict. You're being a good, caring and responsible parent!

Hmm, I don't know, since when I was in HS sophmore year was the last "free" year to screw around and not really worry about the GPA.

However, since he is looking for a full-ride scholarship--there should be no "screw-around" time--they will evaluate all 4 years.

As has been mentioned--the key is "why" he is slacking off. He may feel pressured and just be blowing off steam. He may feel bored. He may be rebelling with typical teen angst--and this is his way of doing it. He may be looking forward to spending more time with the ladies.

Since you have already laid down the punishment--maybe talk to him, and find out the reason behind the slack-maybe approach it with the idea that depending upon the reason behind him slacking off, you will cut him some slack on the remainder of the punishment.

A full-ride scholarship is a very valuable thing.

2 thoughts:

1) Your punishment: did he know that would happen (specifically) if he got the grades he did? I don't think it would be right for a cop to pull you over and give you a ticket for a speed limit that wasn't posted or stated.

2) I graduated HS with a 2.7GPA. I now have a Ph.D. (in psychology...specialties in kids and education...pm me if you want)

I like folks suggestion for figuring out the problem first...

My kids are in their 20's now so I have been there and done that. The biggest lesson I have learned is that the kid has to want it for himself, meaning "he" has to come to the conclusion that he needs to improve or it will never happen. Making them come to that realization is not something they will do while they are mad at you.

The taking away of liberties works for small short term gains, but it will not get you though the remaining years of high school with out it being a constant battle. Having said that, I do believe that there needs to be repercussions for certain behavior, but you may be surprised that taking away liberties may have no affect on motivating him.

Tell him about your concerns for his grades and future, ask him why if he is not working up to his potential and ask him what he needs to get his grades up, maybe something like tutoring.

You are right about California Universities being tough to get it. My son had a 4.1 GPA and a bunch of AP credits and he didn't get in to his first 2 UC choices.

What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if he were offered some kind of increased allowance. Would that do anything for him?

I dont think any modern American parent is "too strict". I have yet to meet one...

Communication is a good thing. It is good to find out what is going on behined the scenes. The no-party thing is tough, you are only that age once, but the driving thing is a good place to apply pressure.

How about work for the summer? Loading trucks and landscaping made a better student out of me! Good luck.

My dad tried to get me to do the same thing in H.S. His dream was for me to go to UCLA, and I didn't really give a crap about doing well in high school. All my friends were going to go to junior college and I wanted to go to junior college too, so I just slacked off, didn't get into any worthwhile schools and went to junior college for a couple years then transferred down here to UCSD (got into UCLA too, decided it was more my dad's dream than mine) which shut my parents up pretty good.

As long as you're not noticing any behavioral changes, which could signal the use of hard drugs, try to let him be himself. It's obvious you have a bright son if he's getting As on the exams without trying on the homework, he'll find his way eventually as long as there aren't any exogenous shocks.

If you insist on pursuing this actively, I would suggest presenting him with a proposition, whereby he'll be priveledged in some extraordinary way that he wasn't before, rather than depriving him of things that are already coming his way.

good luck.

Some of the arguments against it mirror the attitudes of the country that annoy me the most...Ask nothing of the child, expect no co-operation, do not punish and above all, do not hold the individual responsible for his or her actions.

My kids are grown now and thank me for "holding their feet to the fire" during their teenage years. Carrot and stick, yes. But, there were consequences for not holding up their end of the deal.

Besides, in the teen years, the "job" is to get educated. No more, no less. Learning discipline is key to a successful career attitude in the future. It is difficult to instill a positive work ethic after, say, 18.

Talk it out, make absolutely he understands the consequences and seriousness of the situation, and perhaps write up a "contract" between the two of you.
Just my thoughts. Yours may and probably will vary.

Re: Tell me if I'm being too strict with my son
 

Your missing it..."He miscalculated" he says..I go with bored and not challenged...its tooo easy for him....HS has been DUMBED DOWN to accomodate the lowest rung on the ladder. Talk to him by asking about how easy it is for him and a whole new perspective will emerge between the two of you. You will find out things you never knew. He will tell you how stupid the classes are...which they are...tell him no matter how dumb they are you need to go from point A to point B to get your ticket punched and that you know he is capable and that you expect him to work to his potential to be professional at whatever he does. By listening you provide support that someone cares about him and how he does.

Then Get him in the AP Classes or over to the Community College..

I started in my Senior Year with a coupla classes, I wish I had started earlier but didn't know I could...

With the little headstart and by taking courses in the Summer I never had to take a heavy load and was able to graduate in 3 1/2 years from the University of CA ....The rest of the time I was a LSD Trippin, Bong Hittin, Free lovin, Anti-war, parents blaming, long haired Hippy Bum...in other words an Irresponsible Boomer....and according to Mother still am....

I think tabs has hit the nail right on the head.

Well said...as a parent I constantly monitor my kids progress and try and find the right mixture of carrot and stick, tailored to each, now, young teens.

Others in this post mentioned a baseline: did he know the ramifications of his grades?

The fact that you are working through this says all anyone needs to know, including your son...hopefully sooner rather than later!

All the best on your collective journey.

Which would be the carrot part...motivating them to do a good jod and learning?:rolleyes:

On one hand he is old enough to comprehend actions and consequences. On the other hand he needs support. In order to give him the right form and level of support, you need to make sure you understand his real motives and feelings in the present situation. And he needs to know that you know. Only then will you reach a level of communication where you will be able to help him motivate him self. Punishment may have a short term effect but a far more negative impact than positive, motivational support. He will feel more adult and trusted.

Hypothetically the reprimand strategy could create better result, but in the long run its not worth it IMO. Empathy and positive motivational support will arguably enhance the maturation process globally. If, eventually, the result still do not fully live up to your expectations - at least he did his best for the right reasons. Not only because what was expected and demanded.

Don´t get me wrong I am all for a 'take control parenting' and I am never soft with my kids when they behave ill. But positive encouragement will beat punishment most days IMO.

Good luck - I can´t wait till my four kids reach your boys age. ;)

Make him cut his own switch...

Is the threat of grounding him going to get him to excel once he's in college? What about the rest of his life?
Don't get me wrong here guys, I'm not saying punishment is out of place in parenting. If anything, I think parents wimp out too often when it's time to dole out some punishment. I grew up (not too long ago..I'm 26 now) with spankings etc., and I see no problem with punishment as an essential part of parenting.
Punishment is best to discourage behaviour, not encourage alternate behaviour. You're not going to be able to punish him to the point of motivation.

Tabs, your advice sounds good.

That said, I don't see what all the hype about a driver's liscence is. I insanely loved driving/racing, and I didn't get my liscence until two months before my 19th birthday.

I see lots of people describe things as being natural to an age group, but I think that often, that is because we describe as being natural, they assume it is normal. Its natural for me to want to jump out of my lane into incoming traffic and strike an oncoming car. (I'm serious, I see one coming ,and think about it, I never do it). Natural does not always mean good.

I keep retyping this next paragraph. And retyping it.

You can't lie to your children they see every fault and virtue you have...by being open and honest about yourself you set the stage for them to be honest and forthcoming with you.

The hard part is expressing your fears, doubts, worries and short comings...

Simply sitting down and listening to what they have to say and not hearing only what you want to hear... or jumping to conclusions and making judgements is the most supportive thing you can do..

If only I could have said it better!

Ohhh also don't forget the hug and kiss...

I believe my mother was too easy on me. If I made a bad grade, she'd say I guess you did your best. B.S. I wasn't doing my best and it hurt me later in life.

If my 11yo son gets a C, he's grounded until his next progress report or until he brings home a letter from his teacher saying that he raised his grade.

If he gets more B's than A's, he gets half grounded. I limit the time he can play WoW.

My kid's a sophomore in HS this year too. I have noticed that she has "eased off the gas" a bit this year too. The teachers have all mentioned that she should be doing better. I've had a couple of heart to hearts with her and have concluded that she's just more interested in socializing than school at this point in her life. She's got to want to work up to her potential, I can't really do anything to make her do it. Punitive measures probably won't help in our situation, but I have scaled back on doling out the goodies. She knows how I feel and why I think it's important, now it's up to her.

Both of my kids have gone through/are going through this.
Bored/shmored. Boredom is an internal response to stimuli. I don't care if my daughter wants to slack off. Either she does the work assigned, to the demonstrated level of her ability, or she loses out on telephone, computer and social privilidges.
If more parents held their children to their obligations regarding the opportunity they have to get an education, the school system wouldn't be 'dumbing things down'.
(By the way, my wife has taught for 27 years and she says there is nothing she hates to see more than a student who can do the work, but couldn't be bothered. On top of that, she is not fond of parents who don't want to be parents to their kids. She is the kind of teacher who has had students come back to her years after they have gone through her class to thank her for making them do what they could.)

Stay the course.
Les

Tell him you'll give him the Porsche if he gets straight A's ;). It could be a lot worse. One senior from my school had a 0.5 GPA and he got kicked out and had to get his GED. The other kid (also a senior) may have too low of a GPA to graduate. The irony is that one drives a '98 BMW M3 and the other drives an '02 BMW M3.<------- WTF?
In my opinion, don't ground your kid, but give him a good incentive to get good grades and have him realize the importance of it. I have a 3.3 GPA but am always trying to up my grades as much as I can. What kind of friends does he have? Maybe they are a bad influence on him?

nice Office Space reference...classic :)

talk to my pops at sears point in a couple weeks at our track day. he raised me, it was a battle of wills, and we battled to a draw. i pretty much made my own way after slacking in high school, got a few breaks that i took full advantage of to get where i am today. decent income, terrible speller, and a cross between street smarts and book smarts that has helped me get by.

i today consider my pops one of my very best friends, and i could not say that until my late 20's. the more he tried to get me centered the more i went the other direction. seems like you kid was waaayy better than i was, but really, its the end result that matters?

My son is/was exactly the same. Does he spend lots of time on myspace.com? my son does. You can get the school to hand out weekly performance sheets that he has to pick up and bring home on Fridays (CA requirement that they be available). I put my son on restrictions to not punish, but get back on track, couldn't go out until homework done and shown to us. Friday and Saturday night out OK once the mid-semester report shows he's getting back on track. My son MIGHT get into a CA State, not UC school.

YOUR KID IS GONNA HATE YOU! Please don't subject your child to this kind of drastic behavioral modification. Our society has changed a lot over the last 50 years even though many things remain the same. Grades are important, college is important, but what do you need college for? What is he going to study? What kind of work will he be interested in? At 16 this kid needs goals for his life. Not knowing why you are doing something hinders your motivation and he simply need to be motivated.

BTW, i hope 125shifter is joking or at least exhaggerating.

No behavioral modification? What the heck is that?

Without some form of positive guidance, firm, consistent and fair, you will have raised a little savage with no core and no moral compass.

In addition, if he is "bored" doing his current job (getting educated), how long before, in the real world, he gets "bored on the real job" and is out on his butt?

Adults (well, most adults) have a job. They work, and are rewarded with a paycheck. This allows them to go out, buy stuff, own a car, all the nice things which are rewards for contributing to society. Socializing is important to a teen but it is a privelege that should be earned. And the way such priveleges are earned is through following the rules established by the father and the mother who are footing the bills. (tabs can ignore this part)

When I was about 15, many years ago, I challenged my father. He calmly said: "You will do what I tell you for one of two reasons. Either you fear me or you love me. It's your choice". He has been dead a long time but for the years that followed, I counted my dad among my best friends. He set limits and showed me the consequences of different kinds of behavior. And, he never had to lay a hand on me.
Consistency, gentlemen, consistency. I STILL favor the mutual written agreement spelling out duties, responsibilities and priveleges.

Yes, society has changed in the last 50 years or so, but basic acceptable social behavior has not, only the enforcement of some type of standard. It is still wrong to hurt others, take their stuff, and murder them. A look at the national news can easily serve as an example when young people are permitted to do whatever they want with no limits.

You are doing the right thing by taking the first step...if you were to do nothing, i dont think his grades would go up.

I'd get grounded by my parents for a month at a time, and not for being a criminal...just for school work and chores.....yeah, i was a slacker, B average. But It was a good lesson to learn...

OHHH BTW...U do not want to incur the wrath of TABS either...the key words of mine.....the EXPECTATION that the kid works to his potential..and if his best is a steady stream of As then thats what he should be getting. To kids in HS socialization is important, because now they are looking outside the family to see where they fit in society. Yet they still need to be reminded that they are still part of this family, and what goes on with Joe Blows family isn't the way it is done here, for better or worser.

Maybe this kid needs to be checked on more regularily to be right on his tail...Johnny did you get your homework done. lets see it...and why isn't it done...in other words to make his life miserable, so that it is easier to do the work than U harping on him.

The mere fact that this kid said he "miscalculated" shows hes smart, and know how to work the system. My response would be DON'T miscalculate again.

When I was in Junior High I was over at a friends house. My friend got mostly As with a few Bs.. in one class he got a C his Mother called him on the carpet in front of me, and told him whats this a C you can do better than this, I expect you to do better than this...at the end she almost had him in tears, he felt so bad...needless to say there were no more Cs.

Well Boyz now U got me to thinking....

What is it to gain the world if you have lost your soul

What is it to have success in the world if your personal life is a failure...it is essentially meaningless. So for me the outward appearence of success doesn't mean much what has been important has been achieving an inner harmony. To that end self knowledge is key and to be able to forgive yourself for your failings....and the key to forgivness is the knowledge that you LOVE. To know that you are a loving being. That is the saving grace.