children after 40

[bivenator]

I have a 16 yr old daughter from a previous marriage and a 2 1/2 from my current marriage. My wife would like another child. I'm not convinced this is what I want. She really really wants another and we had discussed two or more when we were getting started but now the reality has set in and I've got cold feet. With my oldest starting college in 2 years and a job change looming in late August, world politics, lack of intimacy (both physically and emotionally) due to busy lives that we both lead, I'm bummed on the prospect of another child. I love both my children and wife wholly and completely but am reluctant to start again. I just hit 40 in July and am wondering if any other have had a similar experience. I told her about a week ago my feelings and she was very hurt. This will be messy for a long time. See what the Pelican brotherhood comes up with.

[ErVikingo]

I turned 40 a week ago and have a 17 month old boy and a girl being born in 2 days......

Its hard (as you now much better than me) but, the rewards (at least so far) are so great.....

[jriera]

Married at 34, due to some complications we did not had our first son until I was 41 and our second two years later, now I'm 47.

It is difficult both physically (we are getting old) and personally (used to the 'other' life). For me is worth it, but knowing what I know now I will not do it again.

[IROC]

I feel for you. Interestingly, I am in almost the exact same situation as you. I have a 16 year old son from a previous marriage and a 2 1/2 old daughter with my wife now. I'm turning 42 next week. We talked early on (my current wife and I) about having two kids. That was kind of the plan all along. In a strange twist of fate, though, *she* is the one that has decided that we should stop now. She doesn't want any more. I'm fine with that for all of the reasons that you're citing for not having any more.

I hope you can work this out as I *know* the friction this could cause. Have you explored the reasons why she wants another? Is it for her or so that your 2 1/2 year old will have a sibling? Many people have told my wife and I that we need to have another one so our daughter will grow up with a brother or sister. I say baloney. Our view is that you have kids (or more of them) because *you* want them - not because you feel pressure to have them or feel guilty.

Good luck.

Mike

[Moses]

You're not going to like my answer.

When a woman wants a baby, it's not the same as wanting a new car or a new house. It can be a visceral longing. To deny a child to a woman who wants one badly is sewing seeds of discontent. When I got married, I was in grad school planning a career as a professor. Somehow I got a burning desire to switch gears and go to med school. That meant eight more years of poverty and a lifetime of 80 hour work weeks. NOT what my wife signed up for. In her wisdom, she recognized that it would be wrong to deny me my dream, even though it meant a lot of sacrifice on her part.

At the age of 43, with two healthy kids age 9 and 11 my wife told me she wanted another baby. I went through all the same feelings you are having. Every damned one. In the end, I could not deny my wife the baby she needed. Our daughter is 5 now and I cannot imagine our lives without her. We have been blessed beyond measure.

[azasadny]

Originally posted by Moses
You're not going to like my answer.

When a woman wants a baby, it's not the same as wanting a new car or a new house. It can be a visceral longing. To deny a child to a woman who wants one badly is sewing seeds of discontent. When I got married, I was in grad school planning a career as a professor. Somehow I got a burning desire to switch gears and go to med school. That meant eight more years of poverty and a lifetime of 80 hour work weeks. NOT what my wife signed up for. In her wisdom, she recognized that it would be wrong to deny me my dream, even though it meant a lot of sacrifice on her part.

At the age of 43, with two healthy kids age 9 and 11 my wife told me she wanted another baby. I went through all the same feelings you are having. Every damned one. In the end, I could not deny my wife the baby she needed. Our daughter is 5 now and I cannot imagine our lives without her. We have been blessed beyond measure.

Moses, You're a wise and blessed man!

[Rodeo]

I think Moses gave you your answer!

[jyl]

Funny, I'm the one who would like another kid (10 and 7 y/o's now). My wife is iffy about it. But at 45, the risks seem significant.

[gaijindabe]

Originally posted by bivenator
.....and a 2 1/2 from my current marriage.....

Living through the "terrible twos" might be influencing your decision. I do think in the long run - another kid might make your life a bit easier. One kid can be very demanding and two or more can keep each other busy. Siblings (and future Aunts, Uncles and Cousins) are a good thing. Good luck.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Great wisdom in this thread although maybe I'm a bit more stubborn. I wouldn't do it. I'm 35, no kids here and every time the subject comes up from my wife, I very matter-of-factly point out that we discussed this before we ever got married and she knew (supposedly) what she was getting into. You have to put your foot down - hard - if you want to get the message across on this one. I've always viewed kids as the death of me and MY life, which I have built for myself at great personal toil and expense. I'd hate to see a "mistake" ruin all that since I'd simply resent the kid for it, which isn't really fair to them or to me. . . She always "gets it" when I put it in those terms and the subject lies dormant again for several more months.

Point is - it's YOUR life. You owe nothing to a child you don't have. Decide what's important to YOU and nobody else. Don't let anyone bully you (or guilt you) into sacrificing what you want out of life. This ain't no dress rehearsal and you only get one go-around. If you don't want another child I really think you've got to grow a backbone, stand up to your wife and tell her firmly (but kindly and gently) in no uncertain terms that it isn't going to happen - it simply wouldn't be fair to you. In this manner you turn it around on her, so that SHE is the one faced with the choice to make - be unfair to you or "selfish" with her own desires. Dirty tactic perhaps, but being on the giving side of a guilt trip is better than being on the receiving end of a guilt trip as I look at it.

If she really makes an issue of this, quietly prepare your finances for a divorce fight. I think Moses' words are wise. I'm very fortunate in that my wife and I did discuss it before we got married and that she knows it and wouldn't be so unfair as to place her "change of mind" before what we'd already decided and that I'm clearly against. I hope you can get into the same situation. Good luck.

Or just go get the "big V", don't tell your wife, enjoy lots and lots of supposedly "procreational" sex and when she doesn't get pregnant just shrug and say "I dunno what's wrong". Evil, I know. . . >

[Par911]

You can feed them dog food nowadays....kids practically raise themselves.

[notfarnow]

Originally posted by Porsche-O-Phile

Or just go get the "big V", don't tell your wife, enjoy lots and lots of supposedly "procreational" sex and when she doesn't get pregnant just shrug and say "I dunno what's wrong". Evil, I know. . . >

Could backfire... Make sure you purge the pipes first!

[nostatic]

This thread directly speaks to me, but with a slightly different twist. I have a 9 year old (who was not planned) who came along when I was 35. Since ending the marriage, I've been dating, and had two long-term relationships (5 months and just shy of a year). The first ended and the second has been shaken, in no small part, due to them wanting to eventually start a family and me saying, "sorry, btdt, and it wasn't pretty." (I'll be 45 in Sept) Now I know there are deep seated psych issues behind my not wanting to have kids, but the reality is that I could follow some other foilblies and cave into my partner and have a kid just to please her. But I only started getting my life back the last few years. It could be due to the fact that I functioned as a de facto single parent for the first 6 or so years as my ex was doing 80 hour weeks. Or maybe I'm just a selfish b@stard. Either way, while I have at least learned to never say never, the thought of having another baby just makes me recoil in fear.

I've been around all sides of this, and with my last g/f we recently split over this issue, are now back together, but it is a murky pool right now. There aren't really any negotiations I can find...it is a digital decision. And Moses is spot on...this is biological for a woman. When I go to the playground with my son I see some of the young kids and think they're cute and occasionally will get a paternal twinge. But that is about it. No waves of desire to father a child. Maybe that will change as I work on some other things...time will tell.

So maybe you don't have to hit the divorce attorney yet. Maybe give yourself some time and/or see a shrink and try to get at what your issues are around the kid thing. Best of luck...this is one of the stickiest decisions/situations that couples face imho.

[Moses]

Originally posted by Porsche-O-Phile
... every time the subject comes up from my wife, I very matter-of-factly point out that we discussed this before we ever got married and she knew (supposedly) what she was getting into.

Wow. You are tough. Your "prenuptual" agreement assumes that lives, feelings and needs never change. If your wife just tosses around the idea of having a baby, that's one thing. If she has a heartfelt need to be a mother, that's different. I guess the question is, would you reconsider fatherhood if it meant a great deal to your wife?

If your wife is feeling that primal drive to have a baby, all prior agreements are invalid. Life changes. I'm not at all suggesting that you should relent and father a child when, by your own admission, you would likely resent the child forever. What I'm saying is that your situation could be more complicated than you ever imagined.

For some women, having a baby is fundamental. The thought of growing old without children and grandchildren may leave some women with an emptyness that no husband can fill.

Just something to think about.

[Dueller]

One key bit of information I don't see is your wife's age. Her "life stage" (and your willingness to adapt) may be a critical issue for the survival of this relationship.

[TerryBPP]

Women over the age of 40 have a much higher chance of birthing a child with retardation, down syndrome, ADD, and many other birth defects.

Have her talk to a doctor before you go off half cocked (pun intended). The doc might talk her out of it.

[charleskieffner]

nostatic, im in a similar position. have 36yr old drop dead goodlooking girlfriend. built like....well you know! she has never been married. college educated, own home, own biz. WE GET ALONG UNREAL THRU SOME TESTY THINGS. ie. scuba diving, camping in torrential rains and lightning, forest fires(half her place is toast), flash floods after fire(2 ft from here door-wall of water at least 8 ft) some real crap including p-car breaking down and a KAT getting nailed by harris hawk and my older son now in jail! some real crap has landed on our plates and we have gotten thru it.

i told my ex wife of 23 yrs and mother of my 2 kids on 9/11/99 "to get the FUCH out or get some help!" due to her double dosing prozac,drinking day and night, valium,claritan, and pot. it was a train wreck! a really bad bad bad TRAIN WRECK! i have managed much like the phx bird to arise from the ashes. i should have been of fricking prozac!!!!!!! my kids took it on the chin badly. i have joint custody, no child support, no spousal maint. my house was free and clear along w/all my toys and hers. we owed the measly sum of $2500 to the world! the american dream!!!! i had to take a note on the house to satisfy ex's remodel, after the divorce became final.

anyway my ex managed a .254 BAC AGG DUI with injuries! the worst case you can have. it is actually cheaper in the long run to kill someone drunk than to injure them(go figure). needless to say the white flag of surrender went up and i basically called all the shots. thank god i saw this train wreck coming and canceled her insurance when she split. i have mentioned this story before. my ex was not white trash. daddy was ex CEO of fortune 100 company. i loved her but could NOT LIVE WITH THE DYSFUNCTION! and it still continues 7 yrs after the fact.

my point being i have found someone else i love.............ALOT! she wants to have kids. i'm 48 shes 36. i have told her i would if we plan it out. i love her that much and want her to have in life the joy of motherhood. i did enjoy being a father, a family man, coach, etc. with my kids. believe it or not I ENJOYED BEING MARRIED MORE THAN BEING SINGLE! yes being single affords you less responsibility. the means to dump mass quanities of cash into your p-car, and other toys. date multiple women. screw your brains out etc. but is that what life is all about????? i also have a friend who is 54 with a 27 yr old latin bombshell. they get along great, but she wants kids. he has fought w/this decision for over 2 yrs. he finally gave in and asked her to marry him. he has realized he loves her more than life itself, and he has decided the same as i that when you do something the second time, you ALWAYS DO IT BETTER! sure theres sacrifice, beeny-weeny night instead of $100 suishi night. you dont get to go out to the track as much, dont get to scuba dive as much etc. you just have to make the decision what you want to do in life thats all. sounds simple doesnt it? but the reality is what makes YOU happy. if YOUR NOT HAPPY HOW CAN ANYONE AROUND YOU BE HAPPY!

the only thing we get to leave is our legacy, for good and for bad. and our children are the mirrors of our souls for good and for bad. all any of us get is an "ATTA BOY" and a grave stone, when its all said and done. i no longer subscribe to be the richest person on the block, the one w/the most cars etc. what i have learned is happiness comes from within and sharing that with someone you love. love is fleeting. some people nail it on the head the 1st time, some dont and have been married /divorced multiple times. some never find love!

i actually wondered years ago if i would ever fall in love again. i have been blessed this time, more than i realize. think of the love of your lifes, concern about you going to the track and the sacrifice she makes for you and your interests. its a 2 way street and both parties have to sacrifice to make it work. i became self centered after my divorce, and did things that made me alone happy. probably to mask the pain of my divorce. which the only way i can describe was a MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN MY PARENTS PASSING AWAY. but i finally realized and it took time, enjoying things by myself wasnt what i yearned for. i yearned to share my enjoyment no matter how small, big, cheap or expensive with someone else. i have finally found someone else to share my joys/conquests/ups/downs/in-btwns etc. and that in it self is EQUAL to finding a brand new 917 in pristine shape buried in some barn!

good luck with this. its a tough call. remember you cant take it with you, and there are NO LUGGAGE RACKS ON HEARSES!

[bivenator]

Good and varied responses, as expected on the Pelican. My wife is 34. She is currently able to stay at home with the 2 yr old. If another child comes along then I will have one in college and two not yet in school. A fine mess and a financial mess. Wifey would need to work most likely, will she do this? Not sure, can she make enough to cover day care for two, hmm. Divorce is not an option, however the situation could go nuclear and I can't do another divorce. Moses has a pretty good angle on what she is feeling. I understand her needs in this area. My wife will sometimes make decisions that have no basis in reality. She makes commitments with her time in which she has none to spare forcing me to pick up the pieces. Her sister will have a baby in Oct. and my wife will watch the baby after her sister returns to work. This may factor into the decision for another for us as my wife will see what is takes to have two on hand. Wifey was hoping to be preg by Nov.

[bivenator]

Somehow, charleskieffner makes sense in a meth type frenzy of typing. way to go ck

[charleskieffner]

i learned how to type fast, doing 35 page college papers the night before they were DUE! the nuns at jesuit high school had a way of getting your attention with those freeking rulers also! BIG TIME! LOL!

but back to topic. i was B***CH SLAPPED like no tommorow after my divorce. my ex and my kids all went down the bad road. i have figured out in this time period you can only control yourself not others or their actions. and when it comes down to substance abuse be it booze pills coke heroin perscribed or illegal drugs, LOVE WILL ALWAYS be second! every single damn time! just getting someone into REHAB is a freeking MIRACLE!

i believe or not in the last 7 yrs have dated 2 women that drank and were on anti-depressants! when i found out, you could NOT TIE A BIG ENOUGH ICBM ROCKET TO MY ASS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE! talk about once burned twice shy! when it comes to any relationship you have to ask yourself "CAN YOU LIVE WITH IT?" nobody is perfect male or female. if having a kid is your wifes answer to making the marriage better, you have a problem. having a kid will compound the problems the relationship already has and more than likely lead to its demise.

both parties have to agree on having a kid.........PERIOD! it takes alot of time money caring etc. as any of us know raising kids. when i got laid off in '97 i WAS "MR MOM"! that was the hardest damn job i ever had in my life and i have been working since i was 12! that movie WILL FOREVER be etched in my mind! that was ME! plain and simple. our kids are sponges dont ever forget that. if i have ANY regrets about raising my 2 boys, it would be dirt bikes. and i have been riding all my life. it wasnt the times we rode together, it was the times they got on someone elses bike and tried to imitate a freestyle stunt they saw someone else do. man i had my share of mayo clinic scares. broken wrists, broken leg(2 plates), fractured vertabrae etc. watching your kid in agony will change you.................BELIEVE ME!

my key before i was married was to live with my ex for 2 years. we got along great. we got married had kids. 1st was planned 2nd was a surprise. a happy one but none the less a surprise. we sacrificed and we did it, very well up til her substance abuse . when everything went to hell. after 2 years of living w/someone you know the ups/downs etc. and how you will get along. but there is no telling how either spouse will change in years to come in the relationship. any relationship is nothing more than a CRAP SHOOT!

having kids or having more kids will test the both of you like never before, for good and for bad. i was told by some other parents that if your kid reaches the age of 20 and is not dead, addicted to drugs or in prison...................YOU HAVE BEEN A GOOD PARENT! well neither of my sons are dead(thank god), neither is addicted to anything at this time(got through that one by the skin of my A$$!) and neither is in prison! the older one is spending 30 days in jail(tent city) due to continued stupid sh*!. nothing violent, just being with the wrong group who just happened to be in possession of some stolen golf clubs!!!! we call it the "GREAT GOLF CLUB CAPER!" along with numerous traffic violations ie. riding dirt bikes on side walks etc. crap we did but just never got caught! so in ending................having more kids nostatic will make you gray early, allow you less track time, you will work harder and longer hours, you will have moments of sheer terror, you will sleep less, you will party less, you will go on less vacations............................but you will have the joy and pride of something YOU DID AND YOUR WIFE that money cant buy!